Lies upon Lies
by theHidden1
Summary: Shaehari- or Shae- is a fighter. She even teaches martial arts at a local gym. When unfortunate circumstances lead to her being shot she wakes up in a familiar game world that shouldn't be real. Another problem is that she wakes up with pointed ears and only speaking elven. To avoid suspicion, she lies. Because who else would know ancient elven but an ancient elf?
1. Chapter 1

I grabbed my duffel bag and angrily threw it over my shoulder, taking a long pull from my water bottle. I yanked the wrappings from my hands as I stormed out of the gym, leaving Pablo gaping behind me. _I knew that he would do this again! Ugh. That stupid man couldn't take a hint!_

I headed down the sidewalk toward my house. It was late and I wanted nothing more than to get home and forget this day ever happened. I glanced around. The street lamps were flickering in that horror movie kind of way, and the drunks leaving the bar across the road were cat-calling, as per usual. I passed a few shady guys hiding in the end of an alley who looked like they were the mugging type. One look at me though and they thought better of it.

I smirked a little, taking joy from that fact. I was a short woman, but I had been fighting and training all my life. I was a black-belt in martial arts, and had all the muscles and awards to prove it. And if you were from around here, you knew who I was. I was a trainer at the local gym where all the boxing and martial arts went on. I had been doing it for years and it showed. I ran up the steps to my small ramshackle house and stuck the key in the lock.

Just as I was about to open it, I heard running footsteps behind me. Rolling my eyes and sighing heavily, I turned to see Pablo. Of course.

"Wait Shae! Please, I'm sorry!" Pablo leaned forward, grasping his knees to catch his breath. "I won't do it again, I promise!"

I glared. He always did it again. And then he would always came crawling back to me and begging for me to take him back. And then when I turned him down he would get ugly and try to force me. But he was no match for me, and I was sick and tired of it.

"This is what? Promise number three? Four? I'm starting to lose count, Pablo. You know, I will throw you on your ass if you try that again."

Pablo finally caught his breath and moved a little closer. I glared harder at him, putting all my disdain into it. _You better not think to get too close you little shit_.

"I know. I'm sorry. I... I love you, babe. I just want to be with you."

I sighed again, annoyed beyond belief, and closed my eyes. But he continued. He always was a persistent bastard.

"I can't stop thinking about you. Jenny was a mistake. It was torture. It made me realize how much I love you! How much I want you back!"

He looked desperate now. He walked up the last few steps until he was right in front of me. I studied his dark face, his brown eyes and curly dark brown hair. I had once been very attracted to him. He was so handsome. But now I hated his face. It was just a reminder of his lies.

"Pablo, I'm so over your shit. You lied to me. You cheated on me. How could I ever trust you again, huh? I will never go back to you. You lost me. And stay away from the gym from now on. You know Dustin doesn't want you there, and now I don't want you either. Find a new place and stay the hell away from me."

I turned on my heel and walked inside, slamming the door in his shocked face. "Ugh!" I threw my duffel bag down beside the door. I heard Pablo take the last remaining steps to the door. _You better not try to force your way in here, you asshole. You'll regret it_. But he just stopped close to the door. I could hear him breathing hard.

"You'll regret this, you bitch!" He almost growled at the door, and then heavy footsteps, down the stairs and away. And then quiet.

I chuckled a little. _Pablo threaten me? That's almost funny._

I taught the punk how to fight and he wasn't even very good. We met because he came to the gym to look cool and I thought he was kinda cute. And nice. Turned out I was wrong about that one. But I could always toss him around in a match. And as a 26 year old, tiny white girl, that was pretty impressive.

I bolted the lock, chained the door, and moved into the living room, falling heavily into my favorite spot on the couch. I just laid there for a bit, thinking about my day, and stupid Pablo, _that cheating bastard_. My stomach grumbled loudly and I groaned into the cushions before pushing myself off the couch and heading for the kitchen and sustenance. The fridge was sadly bare but for a couple beers and a half empty jug of milk. I sighed _again_. _Cereal it is then._

I grabbed a box of whatever chocolate cereal I had in my cabinet and poured out the bowl, enjoying the soft crackling sound as I poured in the milk. I grabbed a spoon and went into living room, settling back in the couch. I flipped on the TV and the Xbox. It was really the only expensive thing in my house. Everything else was cheap or second-hand. I didn't have much of a salary working for the tiny gym down the street. But I was happy with my life (except for Pablo) of martial arts and gaming.

I turned on Dragon Age: Inquisition, crunching on my cereal as it loaded up. It was my obsession for these past few months. I had done three play-throughs so far and was definitely planning more. Currently though, I was playing my Inquisitor Sean Trevelyan. He stood there glancing around Skyhold as he waited for me to direct him. I smiled at the screen where he was standing in his silly tan pajama outfit. _Seriously Bioware? You couldn't have given them something a little more interesting to wear?_ I shook my head at the strange design and settled in to enjoy the remainder of the night with some quests. Even after everything, I was going to make it a good night.

* * *

I woke up suddenly, pulled from a dream that was gone from my memory as soon as my eyes snapped open. I don't know what woke me but my heart was pounding in my chest and I felt apprehension. Something was wrong.

The controller slid from my lap as I shifted, clattering to the floor. The game was still on. Apparently, I had fallen asleep while wandering the Hinterlands on the quest What Lies Dormant. I glanced around instinctively, my eyes looking in the shadows of the room. I still couldn't figure out why I had woken up or why my heart was racing. Closing my eyes, I listened. There was a dog barking madly outside. Nothing else.

But then... I heard the sound of screeching tires on pavement. I tensed. I lived in a bad neighborhood, on a bad side of town. I hoped it was just some stupid teenagers street racing and not something more sinister, like a gang fight or drive by. I gasped as I heard the popping sound of gunfire. I rolled down onto the floor in the practiced fetal position and hoped that I, and my house, would be spared whatever violence was occurring. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. Hopefully someone had already called the cops and they were on their way. I just had to wait.

The crack of gunfire ceased. I barely raised my head from the floor, listening if it was safe to rise again. I heard the tires screech again and an engine rev. It sounded like they were turning around and coming back down the street. I pulled my head back down just as the gunfire burst open again, this time peppering the walls of my house. I grit my teeth, furious in my helplessness. It seemed like they stopped in front of my house and continued to open fire. Bullets ripped through my walls, showering me with plaster, glass, and insulation. Luckily, the turn of the couch kept me from catching any bullets myself. _What the hell is going on?_

The gunfire stopped again. I could hear sirens wailing in the distance but they were obviously still a ways off. I glanced up in the living room, looking at the damage to my walls, and furniture. Miraculously, the TV was undamaged. _Should I make a mad dash for the kitchen? It would be safer there, but if they open fire again, I'm dead._ I heard yelling from outside.

"You dead yet, bitch?"

 _Pablo? Are you fucking kidding me!?_ I clenched my teeth so hard it hurt. _If I live through this, I am so testifying against you in court, you fucker._

Of course, I should have known better than to get involved with a wannabe gang banger. I could hear a couple of other guys yelling, urging him to leave, nervous of the cops quickly approaching. _Now is as good a time as any, and if Pablo happened to get the right angle he could still hit me here on the floor._ I pushed myself up and made a dash for the kitchen.

Unfortunately, that was right when Pablo let off a final few rounds that entered my back and tore out my chest. I stumbled and fell to my knees. My chest was burning, I couldn't breath. I gasped, and my lungs gurgled. I felt like I was drowning slowly. I looked down and saw where my flesh was torn open in two spots, red staining my shirt in flowering patterns until they dripped to the floor. _Pretty._ My vision tunneled, and I leaned heavily against the wall as I heard the tires outside peel out again and drive away.

I don't know how time was passing then. It all seemed to blur together in long drawn out moments of pain and bubbling air. I blinked and there were flashing red and blue lights coming in the shattered windows.

Blink.

A cop was kneeling beside me, his hands on my chest, pressing hard. It was so painful I wanted to push him away, but my limbs were too heavy.

"Stay with me! Hey! What's your name? Tell me your name!"

My head was pounding as I tried to focus on him.

"Shae." I whispered. Blood bubbled from my lips and I choked on it.

He nodded, still pressing on my wounds, trying to slow the blood that was pooling in his fingers. "Good Shae. Keep talking to me."

Blink.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him close, amazed at my own strength that seemed so out of reach a moment ago. His face was blurring in and out of focus.

"It was... Pablo Rodriguez." I choked out. My mouth felt numb. But he heard me. He nodded. _Good._

Blink.

EMTs traded places with the cop, applying pressure and sticking me with an IV. I couldn't feel it, I couldn't feel much of anything anymore. Just pounding in my head and my chest, and cold. So cold. I watched people rush about above me.

Blink.

 _What is that sound?_ I turned my head. It was the greatest effort I had ever put forward to move.

The TV still happily played the music of the Hinterlands and my Inquisitor, Sean, looked around. Still waiting for me to direct his movements. I chuckled but it turned into a cough and more blood leaked from my mouth. I could tell the EMTs were concerned. They were yelling, but I couldn't really hear them anymore.

Blink.

 _Why was it getting louder? What is that whispering?_

Blink.

I saw a bright flash of green.

"We're losing her! Get her in the ambulance! Now!"

The pressure was fading and the light was growing behind my eyelids. It seemed to grow behind my eyes. I didn't fight it anymore. I was so tired. So cold.

 _It's OK. I'm OK with this._

The light got brighter and seemed to pull behind my eyes. I felt my body stop. Like a wind up toy that hadn't been wound, I no longer pulsed with life. And I _felt it._ The light continued to get brighter in my mind. _Is this the light at the end of the tunnel crap we always hear about? I never thought it would be green._

And then... I was torn apart. I felt my consciousness split into a billion different pieces and rearrange. If I could scream, I would, at the top of my lungs. All the while the green light was blinding. But I wasn't seeing it with my eyes, it enveloped my consciousness, flooded my mind. I was no longer in an ambulance. I was no longer anywhere. I was nothing. I was dead. But then... I wasn't.

My life sparked and I felt my body change around me, a billion pieces rejoining. It was subtle but it shifted. I was thrown forward. Toward the green light. I couldn't help the scream that came from my throat as I fell through it. I landed hard on stone, and pain shot through me. All my nerves were on fire and my skin burned. My mind wasn't processing anything. System overload. I heard strange sounds around me. Screams, fighting, some kind of electrical buzzing.

I squeezed my eyes shut and didn't move. I was dead. I shouldn't be hearing anything. I had even given in. I didn't fight anymore. Then, with an electric crackling and a flash of green light I could see through my closed eyelids, the fighting stopped. Everything went silent except for the sound of breathing.

"Well shit. Who's that?"

I couldn't help but open my eyes. I know that voice. I blinked and pulled myself up gingerly into a sitting position, just a pounding headache remained of the blinding pain I felt only moments ago. I looked around, my mind not quite comprehending what I saw.

In front of me stood what looked like Sean, my human Inquisitor, holding his giant two handed sword, Dorian, Solas, and Varric. All were eyeing me suspiciously, weapons at the ready. Varric had spoken, and I knew his voice so well from the game that I couldn't be mistaken.

Blink.

 _What the hell?_

"Who are you?" Sean asked with his lilting accent. _Shit is right, Varric._

I tried to stare at them, or even to blink away the fantasy, but the ringing in my ears and pounding in my head was growing, and I couldn't fight it anymore. My shaking limbs no longer held me as I collapsed to the ground, and blackness welcomed me with open arms.


	2. Chapter 2

Edited 7/12/16

* * *

I woke uncomfortable and I shifted, silently cursing my bed for being so damn lumpy when I heard the rustling sound of paper. _What?_

I jolted and my eyes shot open and I noticed was I was not in my bedroom back home, as evident by the stone ceiling. _Huh?_

My head snapped around as I shot up in the bed. It was a small room and I was on a cot in the center, covered in a coarse blanket. Solas was in a chair to the side of the bed, closing his book and grabbing his staff which glowed a little as he eyed me cautiously. I stared at him- at SOLAS!- as my brain completely failed to understand.

"How are you feeling?" He asked in his recognizable voice.

I felt my eyes go wide as I stared, completely taken aback. This couldn't be real. The last thing I remember was being shot, dying, and then collapsing in front of a bunch of fictional characters. Remembering the gunshots I looked down at my chest. I wasn't wearing what I remembered, but a pair of old and dirty tunic and leggings that could have been purple once. Yep. Definitely not the tank top and sweats I remember putting on.

I pulled aside the collar and saw two twisted red scars, right where I had been shot. I blinked. _What is going on? How can this be happening?_ I couldn't stop my breath from quickening. I was beginning to feel a little hysterical. _Clearly, I have lost my mind._ I scrambled from the cot, quickly backing away from Solas, my eyes darting around the room. I was going into full-on panic mode.

 _What the hell!?_

Solas clearly saw that I was panicking. Which really didn't help because fictional characters shouldn't be able to see your panic. _They shouldn't see anything!_

I backed away from him till I bumped the wall, my breath coming in rough gasps that seemed to echo through my head. He held up his hands in a peaceful gesture.

"I won't hurt you. Please remain calm."

I continued to stare at him. _What could I tell him? I am Shae from another world where we play with your lives and I know all about you?_ Panic continued to rise in my throat and I could feel my heart racing. I had to get out of here. My rational thoughts were telling me that it was probably a dream; that I would wake up soon and not to panic. But this was like no dream I had ever had before.

The panicking side of me pushed aside my logic, and all I knew was that I had to get out of here _right now_. I gasped and bolted for the door. Solas grabbed my arm tightly and tried to pull me back but my instincts kicked in, and my elbow connected sharply with his face. He grunted and let me go in shock. Without turning to see what kind of damage I had done, I ran.

Yanking open the door, I was faced with two surprised guards who blinked owlishly at me. I grabbed them both by the collar and slammed their heads together hard. I jumped over their slumped bodies and sprinted down the hallway. I didn't know where I was going but I was going there now.

 _Am I in Skyhold?_

I turned a corner in the darkened corridor, ignoring the shout behind me. I pushed open another door and skidded to a halt, unable to keep my mouth from falling open as I stared around me. I was in Skyhold's courtyard, near the tavern and Cassandra's practice dummies. Seeing Skyhold, real and in front of me, sent a new wave of panic through me and I couldn't hold back the strangled cry that ripped from my throat. People all around stopped and stared at my outburst. I couldn't bear it. I started running again, straight for the gates. I had to get out of here. Away from these people that shouldn't be real. Away from this place. I heard a shout behind me. Suddenly guards were rushing me, to try and stop my escape. As they came at me, my years of training kicked in like instinct, and I welcomed it.

They seemed reluctant to use their weapons on me, but I could disarm them anyway. My martial arts was a part of me. As my mind reeled with panic, my body responded immediately and effortlessly to the threat. I kicked and punched and dodged my way through the guards. Some I just shoved away from me, others I managed to incapacitate. I couldn't think, and only had one goal in mind: to get away.

The gate loomed above me when I felt huge hands grab my arms and shove me hard to the ground, and a knee pressed into my spine.

 **"Let me go! Let me go! I have to get out of here! I should be dead! This isn't real!"**

I felt tears streaming down my face into the dirt as I struggled but I couldn't move, or even see who was holding me. I gasped and stopped struggling. It was no use. I tried to just breath, resting my forehead in the dirt with my eyes closed, my hair falling smoothly around me. I focused on my breath. _In and out._

I had to regain my composure.

"What the hell? Isn't this the one you found in the Hinterlands?"

I could hear Iron Bull's voice above me, and even feel the rumble of it through his body. No wonder I couldn't throw him off.

"Yeah. Damn. Maybe we should take her to the dungeon, Bull. And by we I mean you." Sean. My Inquisitor again.

 **"Please let me go."** I said again. Still just barely managing to control my panic.

"What language is she speaking?" Bull asked.

I twitched a little at the question. _What?_

"Sounds sort of like elven. Maybe? Anybody seen Solas? Ah, There he is."

I turned my face slowly out of the dirt. My hair was all over the place but I could still see somewhat through the strands. Sean was standing in front of Bull and I, and around us soldiers were slowly picking themselves up with groans and glares in my direction. Sean had turned to the side and I saw Solas walk into my view next to him. He was wiping blood away from his face with a cloth, but I couldn't see any wounds. _Maybe he healed himself?_ I had forgotten about my shot to his face.

"She got you too, huh?" Sean held back a grin as he teased Solas, who smirked a little.

"Yes, she was very fast, and I honestly didn't expect any violence from her." Solas said. Bull laughed and shifted slightly above me.

"Well yeah. Look at her. She's tiny." I shifted against his hold and grumbled quietly, calm enough to feel a little insulted.

Bull tightened his grip and I winced as he wrenched my shoulder, and his knee ground into my spine.

"Hey hey. No movement from you, lady." He said with warning in his tone.

Irritated and embarrassed at this conversation being held around me while my face was being pushed into the dirt, I couldn't help but speak again.

 **"Let me go."** I didn't yell this time, but even I heard the note of desperation in my voice, and I'm sure they did as well. I saw Solas's eyes widen slightly in surprise, and Sean looked to him.

"Is that elven? I mean she is an elf. Can you understand her?"

I froze. _An elf? What the hell? I was human last I looked!_

"Yes, that is elven. She said 'Let me go.' I'm surprised. Has she spoken any common?"

Sean shook his head. "Not that I heard. Of course, she hasn't said much of anything."

I turned my face back into the dirt and closed my eyes again. I was calmer now, but the stress was beginning to get to me. I noticed I was trembling.

"What should we do boss? I can't sit on her all day." Bull shifted above me again and I couldn't help struggling a little, and his grip tightened again. I would have bruises later.

"Hmm. How can we safely get her into the dungeon? Can you knock her out?"

I gave an indignant grunt into the dirt that I'm not sure if they heard.

"Yeah I can. No guarantee I won't cause brain damage though. Takes a hard hit to go unconscious." Bull chuckled.

"I can put her to sleep. That way we can transport her safely." Solas always had all the answers. Even in crazy afterlife dreams.

Sean seemed to like that idea though.

"Alright, Solas do that, and we will question her after we have cleaned up this mess she caused. Anyone know the damage?"

I kept my face in the dirt trying to keep my breathing calm as I knew I was about to be put under. I could hear Solas walking towards me.

"Six are unconscious. All total, she made it past eleven guards before she was stopped, My Lord."

Whoever told the Inquisitor this had a nervous wobble to his voice. Not pleased to be delivering the number that one small girl had blown through easily. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face, even pressed into the dirt.

"Shit. She sure is fast." Bull said incredulously with a chuckle.

"Indeed." Solas sounded annoyed or maybe apprehensive.

 _Why?_

I didn't really have time to consider it as I felt Solas hand on my head and the unyielding pull of sleep dragged me into blackness once more.

* * *

I gasped and sat up quickly. I woke with no illusions of reality this time. I remembered where I was and what had happened, as if I had just closed my eyes for a moment. The cot beneath me creaked ominously as I shifted, and I examined the barred door that led out of my cell. The waterfall was loud outside my door and I shivered against the chill. I was alone. There were no guards in sight and no other prisoners. I sat cross-legged on the cot and tried to focus my breathing. Panicking was helping no one, and if I knew the characters, which I did, there would be an inevitable interrogation soon. I pushed my hair out of the way and closed my eyes. I placed my hands facing upward on my knees and just let them relax. It was an old meditation trick I had learned when I was a teenager, struggling with anger issues and raging against the world.

Focusing on my breath, I sat still, clearing my thoughts until I was calm. When I felt that my heart was under control and I wouldn't panic, I considered what was happening.

 _Let's for a moment consider this is real. I was shot. I remember being in the ambulance and then I died. Ok. Breathe._

 _Then I died or fell unconscious or whatever -maybe I'm in a coma?- and then I was pulled through a rift. I was remade. I felt that part. My body felt like it was broken into a billion tiny pieces and then pushed back together._

I reached up slowly and touched my ears which were now long and pointed, before gently laying my hand back on my knee. _Breathe._

 _I fell through the rift and I am now in Thedas. With my Inquisitor and his companions. It could be a dream. Maybe I'll just wake up._ I had never fallen asleep or unconscious in a dream though. _Maybe I am in a coma and my mind is processing ways to keep itself busy while my body recuperates. What if I am dead though, and this is heaven? Or Hell? Breathe._

 _No matter what it is there are a few things I know. I am still me. I feel mostly the same other than the ears and the scars on my chest. I can speak and think and I remember everything clearly. So that's good. Why are they saying I'm speaking a different language though? I have only ever spoken English, which they seem to refer to as common. But Solas said I was speaking elvish? Elven? Breathe._

I thought about what I knew since I had played the game several times. Maybe I could use that to my advantage. Seeming like a crazed lunatic and fighting off all their guards definitely wouldn't help my case. Maybe I could play along until this dream ended. _Breathe._

I heard the door open but I didn't open my eyes. I stayed very still in my meditation and just focused on my thoughts and my breath. If they wanted to talk to me, they could initiate. I wouldn't seem desperate. I had my pride.

I listened to the footsteps approach. I guessed three people based on the sound. They stopped in front of my cell. I didn't move a muscle.

"Hello. Nice to meet you."

I heard Sean speak in his slightly casual manner. Since I apparently couldn't speak common I would pretend I couldn't understand it, so I remained silent and still. I had to fight off a smirk though. I had designed him to be funny and carefree. He was doing a good job of it, so far. They stood in silence for a moment, waiting for some kind of acknowledgement from me.

"What is she doing? Is she asleep?" Sean asked in a loud whisper.

"I believe she is meditating." I heard Solas respond at a normal volume.

So, they bring the translator huh? I still ignored them.

"Solas, you should try talking to her. She might not understand common. We need to find out who she is and where she came from." Leliana. That soft Orlesian accent couldn't be anyone else. She was the other I would have guessed would come for an interrogation. After all, she was the ruthless spymaster. I heard Solas sigh quietly.

 **"Greetings, Lethallan. May we speak with you?"**

I understood him perfectly even though I could hear the distinct change in his words as he switched to elven. I opened my eyes and looked straight at him, still not moving. I think it creeped Sean out because he shivered and cringed away from the bars.

 **"As you wish."** I listened to my own voice and heard the words come out as elven. Ma nuvenin. _Breathe. Don't think about it._

Solas nodded. **"What is your name?"**

I looked down at my lap. _Should I tell them my real name? I suppose it wouldn't hurt. Maybe I should hide it though. But what would be the point of that?_

After a pause I looked back up at them. Leliana looked suspicious, Solas and Sean both curious, though Solas seemed more passive than anything.

"Shaehari." I said it simply. I don't know why I decided to give them my full first name. I normally went by Shae. Only my grandmother who died when I was six, called me Shaehari. _Whatever._

Solas looked to Leliana, who was staring at me with sharp, intelligent eyes. I had no doubt she was looking for something from me. A tell. A clue. Anything she could use to find out more.

"Ask her where she came from." Solas turned to me and repeated the question. That might get old. Having to wait for a translation even though I can understand.

I looked down at my lap again and couldn't help the worry that I knew changed my expression.

 **"I... don't know."** I kept my eyes on my lap as, after a pause, Solas translated for me.

They shifted on their feet, uncomfortable with my ambiguous non-answer.

"Does she have any association with Corypheus?" Leliana asked.

She was focused completely on me, so she probably didn't see Sean roll his eyes slightly. Solas translated her question again.

I pulled my eyebrows together, feigning confusion at the name. If I showed any recognition Leliana would never trust me. Not that she would anyway, but there was a clear difference between being wary of me, and trying to have me executed.

 **"I don't know any by that name."** I replied. I didn't want Leliana to think me a spy. I knew for a fact that she wouldn't hesitate.

 **"Are you Dalish?"** Solas asked without a prompt from Leliana. I looked at him with confusion again and shook my head no.

 **"What do you remember?"** He asked. I could see the curiosity behind his eyes, though his face remained carefully blank.

I decided to be as honest as I could be so that the lies would come easier. A trick I had learned a long time ago. I raised my hand without thinking and touched the scar that was just barely visible above the collar of my clothing.

 **"I remember... dying. I felt myself die. I was pulled apart into nothing... and then I saw a bright green light that pulled me forward. I fell through it, heard fighting and screams and then nothing. Then I woke up here. I panicked. I'm... sorry... about before. I hope I did not do any lasting damage."**

Solas eyed me carefully before turning to translate my words to the other two.

"Well at least she is talking... but it doesn't seem to be about much." Leliana sighed almost bitterly, and seemed to consider the options.

Solas continued. "She says she is not Dalish, and I'm inclined to believe her. She has no Vallaslin and she is beyond the correct age for application. But no city elf would have this kind of knowledge of the elven language- or even a Dalish for that matter. She speaks fluently, like it is her first language."

Both Leliana and Sean were eyeing him, considering this information.

"What does that mean?" Leliana asked.

"I am unsure. Would you let me speak with her alone?" Solas asked, "It will be simpler if I don't have to stop to translate every sentence. I will report everything I learn back to you both, of course." Leliana eyed him with suspicion, but Sean seemed pleased with the idea. He was so trusting of his companions. _Too bad, really_.

"Yeah, that sounds great! Just write up a report and get it to us and we will figure this out from there. Don't let her out though. I don't want to let a crazy elf loose on my poor men again." He chuckled at his own joke, while glancing at me, seemingly to make sure I wasn't offended.

 _Not very funny Sean._ I studied them with curious eyes. They were just as they game portrayed them, only more _real_. They didn't have the small flaws that come with the gaming physics. It was so weird. Leliana and Sean walked off to the door, and Solas watched them go. I studied him closely. He was more handsome in person, and I remember clearly from my first play-through where I had romanced him. _Sigh. Stupid Fen'harel. Oh... I just remembered that I know his darkest secret. Well now._

He turned back at the sound to face me, his eyes curious once again. He had his hands behind his back, standing straight in his normal stance. I smirked a little at seeing it.

 **"Are you of the Elvhen?"**

The smirk fell quickly from my face, and he watched it fall. _Was he asking me if I was an ancient? Like Abelas was? I wasn't. But, on the other hand, how could I know some of the things I knew if I wasn't._ I glanced away from his gaze, choosing not to answer. _Let him assume what he wants._

 **"We mean you no harm, Lethallan. We only brought you back here to care for you. You were unconscious for days. We were afraid you wouldn't wake."**

I considered what he said, not meeting his eyes. I knew Solas was a manipulative bastard. He was trying to get me to open up to him, to trust him. And I had to make him trust me without letting him push too much. And he had a couple thousand years of experience more than me.

 **"I thank you, Lethallin... I am just overwhelmed. I awoke from death and came to a strange place with strange people. I am sorry I struck you when I first woke up."**

Solas nodded, dismissing my apology, still studying me closely. I remember comments about Arlathan falling because of a war. I put my face in my hands as though remembering and distressed, and made a dangerous gamble.

 **"I remember Arlathan. I remember the wars, the fighting. But I don't remember how I died. I don't know how this happened. I barely remember who I am."**

I touched my scars again. Pretending to be an ancient was probably a bad idea, but it was the only way to explain my fluent use of the language. But the whole 'I don't remember' part would be hard to swallow. I needed something to convince him I was legit. I glanced at his face. He seemed to be considering, a his face revealing nothing of his thoughts.

 **"Are you afraid I will reveal your identity to the humans? I notice they do not call you by your name.** " Solas froze.

I may have overplayed my hand, but it was one thing I knew that a Dalish or city elf wouldn't ever know. Ancient elf would be the only logical explanation. And I would let him assume. I stood and turned my back to him, hiding my face, trying to play a part.

 **"I won't betray my kin, Dread wolf."** Ouch, not a good comment to say to the betrayer. **"Your secret is safe with me. But if I may ask... What happened to Arlathan? I remember the fighting. How was it resolved?"**

I traced my scars again, feeling the knotted skin. It was becoming a habit. Speaking of Arlathan made me very sad. I wasn't sure why, but I felt so much loss just speaking its name. Probably because I was speaking to someone who was actually there. Who would actually have felt its loss. I heard Solas breath catch in his throat.

 **"It was destroyed."** His voice sounded strained.

I turned back to him and nodded, not having to fake the sorrowful look on my face. We stood in silence for a moment.

As Solas was reminiscing, I was plotting. _How do I make this work?_

 **"What should I call you?"** Solas blinked, startled out of his reminiscing.

 **"I go by Solas."** He said, back on topic.

I nodded again. **"Where are we?"**

He stared at me for a moment.

 **"We are in a fortress in the mountains called Skyhold."**

He said the word Skyhold in common. I remembered the word spoken in the game for its elven name.

 **"Tarasyl'an Te'las."** Solas looked surprised that I knew but nodded.

I looked down, thinking. I had to be so, so careful.

 **"I spoke the truth. I do not remember how I came to be where you found me. I was dying. I felt myself die."** I couldn't stop the hand that reached up and touched my scar again. Solas noticed, his eyes darting to my fingers.

 **"How did you get that scar? Do you remember that?"**

I continued to trace the ridges that marred my skin. I considered. _Well, I can't tell him I was shot._

 **"I don't remember how it happened. I remember blood. And pain. I felt myself pass into the void."**

Solas shook his head.

 **"Somehow we pulled you from the fade. How did you end up there? Did we somehow pull you through the fade from the battle?"** His questions were somewhat rhetorical as he thought about the possibilities.

I shrugged. I turned my back on him again. I was trying to talk my way out of this cell. If this was a dream I didn't want to spend it locked up. And if it was anything else well... I loved this game. Maybe I could just enjoy being involved in it for a while.

 **"Who is this human you follow?"**

 **"He is the Inquisitor. Leader of the Inquisition."** I turned back to him and studied his face. He was once again a blank mask of indifference.

 **"And what is the Inquisition? What does it stand for that you follow it?"**

I let the weight of my knowledge rest behind that. He knew I was asking why the Dread Wolf would follow a human. I knew already. But he didn't know that I knew, and I was going to keep it that way. Solas held eye contact with me, carefully choosing his words.

 **"It is a long story... but we are fighting a monster who believes he is a god."**

I nodded and narrowed my eyes at the ground.

 **"Where are the People? I didn't see any outside. Have they joined this fight?"**

I was playing the ancient elf who wouldn't know what had happened to the elves. Hopefully this wouldn't bite me in the ass later. But how else was I supposed to explain the fluent elven? Solas sighed and looked depressed again. _Poor guy._

 **"Arlathan wasn't the only thing destroyed. The people were scattered, and, over the generations, have become a shadow of what they were. They are not unified."**

He sighed. I sat down on the cot again, resting my elbows on my knees, contemplating where to go from here. But Solas spoke again.

 **"They are split into two groups. There are Dalish, who are nomads in the wilderness, and the city elves who live in alienages in human cities. They are not of the people anymore."**

I broke eye contact and looked to the floor, sighing heavily as well.

 **"What of the rest of the Pantheon?"** I tensed slightly as I asked, but what kind of ancient elf wouldn't ask that?

I was afraid of how he would respond to that question. I went with the story in my head that somehow when I had "died" it was before the fall of Arlathan so it must have been before Fen'Harel locked up the gods. Solas was completely silent for a moment, his sharp eyes on me. _He is probably thinking 'What am I going to tell her? That I betrayed her gods? Locked them away? What does she know about the war? Did she believe in us as others did?'_ That's what I pictured going through his head anyway. I glanced up at him again and met his intense gaze.

 **"They are gone. To end the war... I had to lock them away."** I stared at him for a moment, shock on my face, and then looked back at the ground.

I wasn't really expecting that answer. But the more I thought about it the more it made sense. After all, the first Dalish I spoke to could tell me of Fen'Harel's betrayal, and probably would with all of their Dread Wolf cursing. I was quiet for a long time, and very still. I knew Solas was watching me closely, maybe a little nervously, but I just contemplated my situation. I rubbed my hands over my eyes and exhaled in a loud gush of air. I stood and walked closer to the bars.

 **"I would like to help you. Sitting in this cage doing nothing is not acceptable to me, and I could be of assistance to you and this Inquisitor. Will you speak with them and see if they would accept my assistance?"**

I looked Solas straight in the eyes as I said this. He was a head taller than me though so really I was looking up at him. He looked surprised at my lack of comment on the situation with the Pantheon, but he considered my request.

 **"I will speak with them. The Inquisitor can always use good warriors. But I am going to have to tell them who you are. They are not idiots and will probably have made some connections to your speech already. Do you know any common?"**

I thought about it. I probably could, but I wasn't sure. So I shook my head. I was nervous though. _What if I couldn't speak common? What if I could understand it but never actually get the words out? Yikes_.

 **"Hmm. I will have to teach you some. No one speaks elven anymore. No one but us.** "

He smiled a little sadly at that.

 _I bet you are thinking it's nice to speak it again, huh Solas?_ I couldn't help the small tug at the corner of my lips as well. Solas turned without a word and exited the dungeon. I sat heavily back down on the cot. _What have I gotten myself into?_ I absentmindedly tucked my hair behind my ear, but my hand caught on the unexpected pointiness. I fingered my ears, tracing the new shape. _So weird. I wish I had a mirror. Have other things changed?_ I pulled my long hair over my shoulder. Still a strawberry blonde. I tossed it back behind me and cupped my chin in my palm, my elbow on my knee. _I wonder what else has changed? Hopefully not much. The only thing that would be cool is if I got magic. Oh shit! What if I do have magic?_

I looked down at my hands, slightly unsure how to check. _How would I even know? Hmm._ I tried to think of fire. I pictured it in my hand, focused all my will on it. I closed my eyes and pictured it there, with heat and light. I felt something tug and opened my eyes. There was a small pool of flames in my hand. I almost screamed and accidentally put my hand down on the bed in my instinctual reaction to get away from it. The blanket caught fire and I smothered it with my hands. _It must not burn me because I created it? Huh._ I spent the rest of the night trying to get familiar with using magic and remembering all I could about the ancient elves.


	3. Chapter 3

Edited 7/12/16

* * *

I woke up irritable and scowling, due to getting very little rest. Probably from the roaring waterfall not twenty feet from where I slept. Or maybe it was the fact that I was sleeping on a spindly cot with a thin wool blanket, in the middle of a dungeon in the mountains. I groaned as I pulled myself up. _I would kill for a hot shower, and some food. I would have thought the Inquisition would take better care of their prisoners. Whatever_. My bitter thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a heavy door opening and someone walking toward me. I stood up and watched warily as a soldier approached. He wasn't someone I recognized, just a random NPC guard. He approached and set a bowl and spoon on the floor by the bars, before backing away quickly. I lips twitched at his nervous mannerisms, but I scowled again when I saw the slimy goop in the bowl that was undoubtedly some kind of oatmeal. _I hate oatmeal._ The guard quickly left the room, the door closing loudly behind him. I cringed at the messy breakfast, but ate it quickly. It was not amazing, and it sat like a stone in my stomach. _But hey, it's food._

I slipped the empty bowl back through the bars so someone could grab it when they came back and I decided to do some yoga. It was my normal morning routine anyway and it would help with this rock of breakfast that I was trying to digest. Besides, it would probably be a while before I got any more visitors. I had always done yoga in the mornings to keep my muscles limber and strong in ways that my martial arts wouldn't. Plus it was calming, and a complete contrast to my normal style, which made it all the more valuable to me. I tore a thin strip off the blanket to tie my tangled hair back in a messy bun and I settled into the slow movements, using the blanket as a makeshift mat against the rough stone floor.

About thirty minutes later, I was surprised when I heard the door open again. I was in the middle of a complex pose though (astavakrasana), so I didn't move or look up as I heard multiple footsteps approach. I just continued to let my body relax and stretch into the pose. I had been doing this for years, so I didn't even shake in effort anymore holding this position.

I was perfectly still. I listened closely and was able to hear two different footsteps. I ignored them when they stopped in front of my cell. I was aiming for the personality somewhere between a distant Solas and an aloof Abelas, since those were the only ancient elves I had met- in the game world anyway. Other than Mythal. But I didn't want to emulate her at all. She is badass and terrifying.

"Er... what is she doing now?" Sean sounded a little incredulous as he whispered loudly enough for me to hear. I heard Solas chuckle quietly and I smirked, but they couldn't see it, since my face was parallel to the floor. I slowly pulled myself out of the position, balancing perfectly, and gracefully stood to look at them, my face once again blank. Sean looked a little flabbergasted. He whispered again at Solas.

"Is that an ancient elf thing? Because that just looked physically impossible." Solas smiled slightly at him but didn't answer. Instead he turned to me, transitioning once again into elvish.

 **"Good morning, lethallan. We have discussed your proposal. He is willing to let you assist us on a few conditions. We are in the midst of a war, so we need to test your fighting skills, and we need to eliminate the language barrier. They want you to learn the common tongue as soon as possible."**

I blinked. _Of course I would have to learn common. I would be attached to Solas's hip otherwise. Not that I would complain about that, he was Solas, for goodness sake._ I was also positive that there were more conditions to this. For example, I had no doubt that Leliana would be watching me very closely.

 **"I would accept those terms. I am glad to see that my previous actions did not..."** I considered my words, **"taint the possibility of cooperation."** _Geez, talking like you are a thousand years old is tricky._

Solas smirked like he heard my thoughts. _God, I hope not._ He turned and relayed my answer to Sean, who had been watching the exchange closely.

"Wonderful! Let's go then. We can test her now... If she is up for it?" Sean glanced from Solas to me.

Solas translated and I sighed. I couldn't wait to "learn" common so I would be able to stop hearing comments twice.

 **"Yes, I would be very glad to get out of this cell."** I couldn't help the note of frustration that sounded in my voice.

After Solas relayed my words, Sean went and got a key from a guard and opened the door. They were both a little tense as I stepped out beside them, but I purposefully remained relaxed and unthreatening. I followed Solas up the stairs out of the dungeon, Sean bringing up the rear. When Solas pushed open the heavy door and I stepped out into the courtyard, I looked around for the second time. Admittedly, my first visit here had been a little rushed, not to mention panicked. I hadn't gotten to see much of the scenery. It was beautiful. I took in the sights, trying to keep my face a blank slate, while Sean walked toward the sparring ring. I followed at a slower pace, trying to observe everything, with Solas staying beside me.

Sean called to Cassandra who was speaking with a soldier, and I could see Leliana leaning again the post of the sparring ring. The guards practicing there dispersed at our arrival, a few throwing glares at me, probably still sore from yesterday. I stood with my back straight, and my hands clasped behind me- the normal Solas pose- as I watched Sean arrange a sparring match. _It seems like he wants me to fight Cassandra. Makes sense. She is one of the better fighters and she has experience fighting almost any kind of enemy. I wonder if that will apply for martial arts?_

Sean jogged back to us, Cassandra following behind him, hefting her sword and shield and eyeing me. _She sure does look intimidating._ But I wasn't afraid. If anything, I was eager. I knew warriors were big and slow, at least comparatively. All I had to do was use my speed to get the upper hand fast. I will admit I was a little nervous though. I mean, we are talking about Cassandra Pentaghast, Right Hand of the Divine, and so many other titles.

Sean stopped right in front of me, his expression eager and kind.

"What kind of weapon do you use?" He asked me, seeming to forget that I didn't speak the language. I turned to Solas for a translation.

 **"Weapon?"** He asked me. _Hmm. I prefer to fight hand to hand but they probably wouldn't think it was fair unless I was at least armed. I do have some experience with knives._

 **"I suppose I will use daggers."** Solas raised an eyebrow at my wording, but relayed the information to Sean, who promptly grabbed some daggers and a holster from some guard standing nearby. He didn't look thrilled to have his weapons taken, but was reluctant to deny the Inquisitor. I strapped on the holster and drew the blades, feeling the weight in my palms. They weren't amazing, but they were pretty well crafted and surprisingly comfortable. I spun them in my hands, an impressive little trick I had learned, and nodded. Solas chuckled, and I glanced at him and smiled slightly. He blinked at me, as though shocked, but I ignored it for the moment. I walked forward into the ring where Cassandra was waiting, and watching. I wasn't sure how an ancient elf would treat this situation, but as a martial artist I decided to do my normal thing when sparring. I faced Cassandra and bowed, my body parallel to the ground, and then rose quickly. A hush fell over the small group watching us. She looked a little surprised and glanced to the side at Solas, who just smirked at her.

I spun the blades one more time, and slide smoothly into a starting position. As soon as Cassandra saw I was ready she charged. I was expecting it though, the straightforward attack that should have pushed me back. I smoothly sheathed my blades as she ran at me, and I saw her eyes widen in surprise, but I didn't give her a chance to stop her charge. I dodged her swing, ducking under her arm and spinning in a blur behind her. I grabbed her sword arm with one hand, wrenching her shoulder back as I yanked on her blade with the other, while my leg swept her feet back out from under her. In very few seconds, Cassandra was on her back with her sword in my hand and pointing at her throat. I stood there absolutely still for a moment, staring into her dark eyes that were both shocked and furious. The silence from the people around us was astounding.

After holding for a second, I pulled the blade away from her neck and held it casually at my side. I offered her my hand to help her rise. She glared for a moment, but then grasped it as I pulled her up and returned her weapon hilt first. I looked around at those watching us.

Sean had his mouth hanging open, and others seemed to be in a similar state of disbelief. Solas was the only one who didn't, and he looked somewhere between pleased and apprehensive.

Cassandra spoke from next to me and I turned again to face her.

"I have not been laid flat like that in a very long time, and never so quickly by someone unarmed. I am impressed." I knew I wasn't supposed to be able to understand so I gave no recognition of her words, just watched her silently. Sean walked towards us.

"Well, that was awesome. I have never seen anyone move so quickly. And to do that to you? Unarmed? Wow. But we didn't really get to see her fight." Sean glanced at Solas, and Cassandra nodded in agreement. Solas walked closer to me, speaking in elven.

 **"Lethallan. They wish to see how you fight, not how you win."** He smiled at me and I couldn't help smiling back.

 **"Very well. I will not disarm her. I can draw out a fight if I need to."** Solas nodded curtly to Cassandra.

At this point, more people were starting to gather. Apparently someone had run into the tavern and spread the word, so people were coming from all over to watch the fight. I saw Iron Bull and Krem, Blackwall, Cullen, and Varric join the crowd of onlookers. Along with other random soldiers and occupants of Skyhold. NPCs my mind said, but I pushed that away. They don't look like NPCs.

We settled into our stances again. This time I drew the daggers and planned to keep them out.

Cassandra lunged at me, attempting to draw me into a clash of blades immediately. I danced out of its path and stalked around her, sinking into a low stance. I let her come at me again and I met every swing of her sword easily. I seemed to notice more. I was faster than I remembered. _I wonder if that's part of the whole elf thing?_ I could also see more clearly. I could see the shift in Cassandra's body that told me she was going to swing left, feint, or lunge. Everything just felt so natural to me.

I remained on the defensive for a while, blocking her attacks. She was quick on her feet as well and I became more and more pressed as she attacked. She pulled back for a moment, panting. My breath had quickened as well, but not as much. As the opportunity arose, I went on the offensive.

I jumped forward and lashed out in a flurry of blows, sharp and concise. Cassandra followed most of them, but I saw spots in her defense where she was just too slow to keep up with me. In those few moments I would strike with the butt of my dagger, letting her feel the moment I made it past her defenses. Each time she grunted and came at me with renewed focus. She kept shifting though, forcing me to adjust to her new position. I soon figured out why when I had the sun directly in my eyes and I struggled to adjust to the bright light. I hesitated, squinting against the light, and Cassandra took advantage. I saw the thrust of her shield as she closed the distance and I held up my hands, instinctively flashing fire with my newly discovered magic trick, just to create light, not do any damage.

It worked though, as Cassandra blinked and stumbled back, no longer at the advantage. I swiftly kicked her arm, which caused her to drop her sword, rolled under her shield arm and held the knife to her throat from behind. She froze. I figured I had put on enough of a show at this point.

"I do not think my pride will recover from this." She glared at Solas. "You could have told me she was a mage."

I removed the blade from her throat carefully and stepped back. She turned to face me, and I smiled and bowed again.

 **"You honor me."** I said to Cassandra. It was an awesome fight and I was buzzing on adrenaline. And honestly, the only reason I think she lost is because she didn't know my fighting style. She didn't know how to counter it, and I was too fast to overwhelm with her strength. She looked quizzically at Solas, who translated my words for me and then she let out an exasperated sigh and a short chuckle.

"I suppose it is good to be humbled every so often." She nodded her head to me, smiling softly.

"Shit Seeker. I have never seen you so totally outdone!" Varric laughed when Cassandra glared venomously at him. I stood there a little awkwardly, unsure of what to do. I couldn't contribute to the conversation as I supposedly don't know what they are saying. Thankfully, Solas stepped forward, standing next to me.

"Are you satisfied with your test, Inquisitor?" Solas asked, and Sean glanced to Leliana who nodded, and he turned back to us with a big grin.

"Now we just need to teach her some common, and then she can be a regular member of the Inquisition!" Sean beamed.

My lips twitched as I watched him. I was still trying to go for stoic ancient, so blatant smiling was to be avoided.

"I'm starving. Let's get some food." Sean said to the general populace, and turned and walked away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Solas look at me, but I was watching Sean. I was still reeling over the fact that _my Inquisitor_ was just talking to me. _I designed his face!_

 **"Very impressive, Shaehari."** I glanced at him and fought another smile. I liked hearing my name from him. He pronounced it right, slightly rolling the 'r' and with the emphasis on the 'i'. I nodded at him in thanks.

 **"It seems the others are off to get lunch. Should I show you around Skyhold? Or would you like to eat as well?"** Food was very far from my mind at the moment. After all the oatmeal wasn't that long ago, and was massively unappealing.

 **"Actually, I would love to get cleaned up and maybe get some other clothes. Is that possible?"** I tugged lightly on the tunic I had been wearing this whole time. It was dusty and worn, coming apart at the seams. I didn't even want to think about my hair, which was probably a tangled mess. _Crap, I thought about it._

Solas eyed me, seeming to take in my rough appearance, and nodded.

 **"Yes, of course."** He led me over to Josephine, who was standing with Leliana, discussing things that Leliana quieted with a gesture as soon as we approached. Leliana observed me, her eyes too sharp, but Josephine looked excited to see me.

"This is the ancient elf? Oh, you must introduce me, Solas!" Josephine stared at my face, her expression eager and curious. _I wonder why?_

 **"This is Josephine."** He said to me, and then switched back to common. "This is Shaehari. She asked to get cleaned up and a change of clothes."

"Oh certainly! I can absolutely do that for her!" I'm pretty sure at the mention of new clothes, Josephine's whole day was suddenly brighter.

"I can take care of her for a while, Solas. I'm sure we can work around the language barrier."

Solas nodded and explained to me that Josephine would be helping me, and he added to Josephine and Leliana that he would be in the rotunda if there were any problems that arose.

* * *

Josephine chatted away about the Inquisition as she led me around. Since I supposedly couldn't understand anything I was left to just awkwardly follow her. It seemed she talked to fill the silence. It only really got uncomfortable when she starting talking about me like I couldn't understand. Which she thought I couldn't.

"I can't believe you are an ancient elf! That's so... impossible. And incredible! But here you are. And you're so pretty!" She looked up at me for a moment and smiled. "I know I'm babbling and you can't even understand me, but it's actually kind of nice to talk to someone without worrying about being polite or anything." She laughed. I barely returned her smile, but she saw it.

"It's Shaehari, right?" She butchered the pronunciation. I couldn't help but wince a little at the mutilation. This is why I gave people my nickname.

"Shae." I hated when people messed up my name. Not their fault but still incredibly annoying.

She stopped walking for a moment, staring at me. "Shae?" She repeated it back as a question. I nodded and gave her the tiniest smile, and she grinned back at me before moving forward once again.

Josephine led me into a part of Skyhold I had never been to in the game. In fact, I didn't think it existed in the game. I studied my surroundings as we moved. It's kind of like a dormitory, or maybe a barracks? When we went inside I saw long hallways with stairways at the ends and doors lining the hall on either side. It reminded me of college.

Josephine headed down the hallway to the last room on the right. She opened the door gesturing me inside. I slipped in past her and saw a large bathroom. It had a bronze tub filled with steaming water, a mirror propped on a side table with a bowl and pitcher for washing hands.

"Please feel free to take your time. Though I suppose you don't know what I'm saying. I had someone bring clothes and a towel here for you when you are finished." She patted the pile of clothes and I barely glanced at them. I was already beginning to peel off my clothing. I wasn't a modest person- I had been in way too many locker rooms for that- so I didn't even think about it until Josephine gasped a little, went very red in the face, and rushed out the door. I laughed as it clicked shut behind her.

I was planning on taking my time as she offered. I finished stripping out of my clothing so I was completely naked. I approached the mirror and studied my reflection. I saw some subtle changes from the me I remembered the last time I saw myself in a mirror. The ears were the weirdest change. I tugged on the tips, as though they would come off. I felt up the ridges, coming to the sharp pointed edges. _So weird!_ I studied my face. It looked generally the same. My eyes looked maybe a little bigger, but I couldn't really tell.

I tilted the mirror down and studied the scars on my chest. The higher one was just under my collarbone on the right side. The other was in the valley between my breasts. The red twisted skin looked like an old healed scar, maybe from years ago. I turned and craned my neck and saw that they were mirrored on my back. I stared at them for a while, remembering the pain, before I sighed and turned for the bath.

I sank into the blissfully hot, clean water and just relaxed. There was a bar of soap and a small collection of oils in a box beside the tub. I grabbed the soap and scrubbed myself clean, going over my whole body and lathering my hair. Looking through the oils revealed that I recognized a few of the names: embrium, andraste's grace, black lotus, and vandal aria. There were many other names that I didn't recognize. I opened each and sniffed at the oils, ignoring the names after a time. I found one that smelled like pine, which was a scent that made me think of my parents home up in the mountains. They had died years ago in a fire, but I always smiled with fond memories when I smelled pine.

I rubbed a few drops of the oil in my hands and ran my fingers through my hair. When it dried it would be soft and shiny. I relaxed in the water for a little longer. I considered what was next. Language. I needed to 'learn' to speak common soon so I could get over this language barrier. I thought about it. I thought I was speaking common when I first came here. But I was speaking elven. But I could understand common just fine. So maybe it's just a matter of focusing on what I really need to say.

I thought about a phrase. Thank you. Ma serannas. I focused on 'thank you' hearing in my mind the way it should sound in English, or common. I opened my mouth and focused hard and said, "Thank you." I heard my mouth form the words. I smiled. So I could speak common. I just had to really focus to get the words out. Good. At least I didn't have to worry that it was impossible.

I stepped out of the now dirty water and toweled myself dry. I slipped on the smalls from the pile of clothes and grabbed the main garment. I was expecting a shirt or a tunic, but what I held up was a dress. I scowled. Dresses were not my style. I couldn't fight in a dress, and I was never very feminine either. I glanced at my discarded pile of clothes, considering donning that again to avoid the dress. But they were filthy and torn. Plus it would be rude. I was not pleased.

I slipped the dress over my head and it fell loose over my body. I looked down and glared. It dipped just low enough to show my scar clearly. I turned in the mirror and saw that the back was low as well and showed the mirrored scar there. I growled a little in frustration. I hated dresses and now this one would be showing off my scars to the world. I was not really ready for that kind of staring. I decided to leave my hair down to at least cover the one on my back.

I opened the door and saw Josephine sitting on a bench outside. She looked over my clothing, smiling, seeming pleased with the dress until she saw to my face. Her smile fell and she looked worried. I couldn't wipe the scowl from my face. She jumped up.

"Is there something wrong? Oh right you don't understand me." I turned away from her and began quickly walking back the way we had come. She trailed along behind me making worried sounds. When we got back out to the courtyard, I stopped, unsure if I was supposed to know where I was going. Josephine continued past me.

"Come, I'll take you to Solas." I followed silently behind her as she walked up the familiar steps into the main hall. Varric looked up from his table as we passed but he didn't say anything. Josephine opened the door for me and I walked in. I still couldn't let go of my irritation, and I crossed my arms and walked to study the beautiful fresco panels that covered Solas's walls. I saw that the Winter Palace hadn't been painted yet. I hadn't looked at Solas as I came in, but I could hear Josephine practically run to his desk where he was sitting.

"Solas. I fear I insulted her somehow. Everything was fine until she came out of the bath and then she seemed upset." I heard Solas stand from his desk and walk over to join me. When he reached my side he looked down at my face. I was glaring at the walls. He raised an eyebrow and spoke in elven.

 **"I believe I have a guess, but would you mind explaining why you are upset? Josephine seems to think she offended you."**

I cringed a little and huffed. I was acting like a child. I'm pretty sure I saw Solas smirk a little at me, and I managed to resist the urge to glare at him.

 **"Please apologize for my behavior. I am pleased with her assistance. But if at all possible I would like pants, and a shirt."** I absentmindedly touched my visible scar, covering it with my hand. I couldn't help the blush that spread across my cheeks. I don't know why I was embarrassed. It was a twisted and ugly scar though and I felt some shame at it being visible. Solas glanced down at my hand and then back at my face. He turned away from me back to Josephine, but remained at my side.

"Shaehari is not offended, Josephine. She thanks you for your help. But she would like some leggings and a tunic, rather than a dress. It would not be conducive to her fighting style." I turned to face Josephine, trying to at least look less irate. I managed a small smile.

"Oh. Right. Thank you, Solas" She scribbled something down on her ever present writing board, and turned to leave.

"Josephine, if you would try to find something with a little higher collar." Solas added as a last note. Josephine stopped and looked over her shoulder at him. The confusion on her face evident as I'm sure she was wondering why Solas would care. I almost laughed. Solas had noticed my embarrassment and was looking out for me. _So nice._

Solas subtly turned his head to look at me, directing Josephine's gaze as well, and I stood still for her to see me. She looked at my collar and I blushed as she saw the scar above the line of the dress.

"Oh!" I saw color flood her cheeks as well. "How insensitive of me! I haven't been thinking lately. Please apologize for my ignorance. I will get her something else to wear as soon as I can!" Josephine practically ran out of the room.

Solas chuckled and turned to face me. The strange transition from common to elven, and having to keep track in my head of what I could and couldn't understand was starting to get on my nerves.

 **"She says she will bring you something more suitable as soon as possible."** I nodded, a small smile coming to my face again.

 **"Will you teach me some of this language, Solas? I appreciate your translating, but it is getting old fast."** Solas laughed, and I couldn't help but smile at the sound, and nodded.

 **"Yes, of course. Would you care to join me in the main hall? I know it has been some time since you last ate."**

I felt my stomach twist at his words, reminding me that I hadn't eaten since early this morning in my cell. And it had been _oatmeal._

 **"Yes, thank you."**

We walked out into the main hall and he led me to an empty table that had some simple food laid out on it. We sat alone at the end of a table opposite each other, slowly eating as Solas began to teach me useful phrases and words in common. It was frustrating because I already knew all the words. But it was good practice for me to focus on actually speaking them.

 **"You are a quick study."** Solas smiled kindly. He seemed to be enjoying our lesson as much as I was frustrated by it. But I was picking it up fast. _Of course_.

"Thank you." I said in common, smiling softly back at him.


	4. Chapter 4

Edited 7/18/16

* * *

My language lesson was interrupted when Josephine returned carrying a carefully folded pile of clothes. I smiled at her in appreciation and said thank you, once again practicing common. That earned me a grin from Josephine.

"Solas, I was planning on assigning her the empty quarters next to yours, unless that would be disagreeable to you?"

"No, that would be fine. I can show her where they are, as well. Thank you Josephine." Josephine nodded at him, and smiled again at me before she excused herself.

I considered asking him to take me there now. I really hated this dress. I opened my mouth to speak, but stopped when I saw Varric sit next to me and just watched him. He looked back and forth between Solas and I for a moment before laughing.

"Well, Chuckles? Are you going to introduce me to the scary elf? Or will you leave us to use awkward sign language to communicate?"

Solas rolled his eyes. I decided I wanted a direct conversation for a change, so I spoke first, keeping in mind the few words Solas had taught me so far.

"I am Shae." The words came out a little strange sounding, like an accent, but passable. Varric smiled at me.

"And I am Varric Tethras. Pleased to meet you!" I nodded. "Of course, I would be pleased after watching anyone knock Cassandra on her ass like that. I will be telling that story for years to come! May even put it in one of my books."

I glanced at Solas. There were words there I didn't "technically" know yet.

 **"He is impressed with your spar earlier."** I smirked and nodded to Varric. I had a thought though. It was getting troublesome to remember what words I "knew" and what words I "technically" hadn't learned yet. Maybe if I had a couple of teachers? I would always have the excuse that I learned something from the other one if I made a mistake with a word untaught. I turned to Solas.

 **"How do you say 'will you teach me' in common?"** His eyebrows went up, a slight frown on his lips.

 **"I am more than happy to assist you in this."** I shook my head.

 **"I appreciate that Solas, but we both know that you won't be able to commit all of your time to this and it will go faster if I can learn from multiple people. Even with the language barrier, just hearing the speech will help me pick it up faster."**

Solas nodded and sighed.

 **"Very well. You will say:** Will you teach me?" He clearly said the words, Varric watching us with interest.

I repeated the words back once. Feeling them in my mouth. They felt clunky. _Why did elven feel so silky smooth? How am I really even differentiating? Wait, don't think about this. You have no answers anyway._

I turned and looked at Varric, who smiled a little, probably suspecting where this was going.

"Will you teach me?" I asked. Varric laughed and glanced at Solas.

"I had a feeling you were getting there. Do you really think it's a good idea for me to teach her anything? I thought you, Chuckles, of all people, would protest."

"Trust me, I did. But she is determined to learn quickly, and she pointed out that I may not have the ability to give all of my time to her."

Varric nodded, considering.

"Alright, Shae. I'll help. What do you want me to do?"

I smiled at Varric and Solas answered for me.

"She will probably just spend most of her time trying to accustom herself to the language. Teaching her certain words will help. But mostly just let her listen and ask questions. I have taught her some basics. Enough to communicate to you."

Varric seemed to consider and then grinned.

"So, what you are telling me is that I just talk to her."

Solas nodded, eyeing his grin with no little suspicion.

"Yes, talk." I smiled at my stumbled words. But hey, I was speaking common. Varric laughed at my slightly pleased expression and pointed across the hall to his table by the fire.

"That's where I'll be most days. Or in the tavern. Feel free to find me anytime." Varric grinned at me and sauntered off. I watched him go before turning back to Solas.

Solas stood then, slipping back into easy elven.

 **"If you would like, I can show you where you will be staying."**

 **"Yes, thank you."**

I stood, grabbed the bundle of clothes Josephine had left, and followed him out of the hall. As we walked he pointed out a few places of note: the stables, the surgery, the tavern, and the armory. I studied everything with interest. Skyhold looked much larger in person than I imagined it. We walked back into the same building I had gone to with Josephine before. Solas led the way up the stairs to the second floor, and turned down the hall. The last door on the right was where he finally stopped.

 **"This will be your room."** He gestured to the next door over. **"That is mine. So if you require anything you know where you can find me."**

Opening the door to my new room, I peered in. There was a bed not much larger than a cot, a small round table and chair, and an empty bookshelf. It was a pretty small room, and most of the space was occupied by the furniture. Pretty nondescript too. There was a decoration I noticed on the table though. A small statue of Andraste, with her hands pressed together in prayer and her face tilted upwards. Raising an eyebrow, I picked it up, turning the figurine in my hands as I studied it. I had never really looked at her closely in the game. She was portrayed here as classically pretty and with a mournful look on her face. Kind of like those Virgin Mary paintings I used to see in churches. I knew Solas was watching me from the door as I studied it. I turned and held it out to him, playing into my lack of knowledge.

 **"Who is this?"**

He chuckled.

 **"I forget that there is much you don't know."** I sighed. **"Why don't you change, and then I will give you a history lesson."**

I nodded and set the figurine back down.

 **"Thank you, Solas. For being so helpful."** He smiled at me and pulled the door shut behind him.

I smiled to myself. I could make this work. _Just don't stumble up and say anything that would give you away._

Shaking out my new clothes, I looked them over and was happy with what Josephine had given me. I removed the dress and dropped it in a pile to be given back to Josephine. Just because I hated it doesnt mean it shouldn't be worn. I pulled the leggings on first. They were dark brown, very similar to Solas's style; skin tight but surprisingly comfortable. I had to wiggle around a few times to get them over my hips but it was just like skinny jeans. The tunic was a soft fabric, and a light blue color. I pulled it over my head, and pulled my still slightly damp hair out of the way. It had long tight sleeves which looked surprisingly good. I inspected the five silver buttons that allowed the wearer to open their shirt some, if desired. I buttoned all but the top one, hiding my scars from view. The tunic was long enough that it fell down to my thighs, but had slits up the side allowing for easy movement. I actually really liked this outfit. It honestly felt like something I would choose for myself.

I combed my fingers through my hair to straighten it and tied it back into a high ponytail using a piece of ribbon from the dress. Once finished, I opened the door and stepped into the hallway expecting to have to find Solas. Instead though, Solas was leaning against the wall in the hallway, and he glanced at me as soon as I emerged. I saw his eyes run up and down my figure, studying my new outfit, and I saw a glimmer of appreciation in his eyes. I couldn't hold back my smirk, which I think he saw, because he turned away. But not before I saw a slight smile on his lips.

 **"Come, I will show you the tavern."**

* * *

It had been two weeks since I had woken up; since Solas had first led me to the tavern. In that time, it had hardly become a place I frequented. I knew I was a very happy drunk. Like the kind to tell everyone how much I love them and possibly make out with a stranger. I hate that bit about myself. So I had not allowed myself to even get tipsy in Thedas. Which really was almost everyone's main source of entertainment. But so far I avoided it if at all possible.

I was lingering in the rotunda, a habit I had these days. Solas taught me how to read common, which was English, so another pointless lesson pretending to be ignorant, and essentially gave me homework. I was reading a few books he had given me on current events. And really by current, I mean, anything that happened in the last four thousand years or so. But hey, to Solas that's current right? At least I enjoyed reading, though this was a little dry. I had grabbed several books I was interested in from the library, and now spent most of my days reading on Solas's couch while he painted, or researched, or whatever he does when he stares off into space.

Currently though, he was away from Skyhold with Sean. They had been gone for over a week in the Fallow Mire, dealing with the Avaar and captured soldiers. I remembered the mission.

I tried to focus on my reading, but was failing miserably today. My mind kept drifting to my complex lie and keeping the secret with the Dread Wolf. _What if he figures it out? Damn._

Solas and I had surprisingly few personal conversations. I had suspected he would pester me with questions about what I remembered, and how I was brought here. But he seemed to accept my story about not remembering. Which was both helpful and worrying. I was concerned that he had doubts or even suspicions about me. Nothing I could do now though. But it had my mind running in circles trying to think of plans and a backstory for myself should the need arise.

I tried to force my focus back to the book, In Pursuit of Knowledge by Genitivi, but I couldn't get there. Sighing, I gave up, closing the pages with a sharp snap. I was irritated. Dorian was up in the library, mumbling and throwing things. I glared in his general direction. It was very distracting. I sighed again, knowing I was just bored and restless. I rubbed my temples as I felt a headache coming on.

I was starting to really miss home. _Don't think about it_. I just needed a distraction. Maybe Varric would want to tell stories again. Or maybe he would finally get a chance to teach me some Wicked Grace. I stood and headed for the door, walking into the main hall but Varric wasn't in his usual place. He must already be in the tavern, so I turned that direction.

I walked down the steps, ignoring the looks from the people I passed. Word had quickly spread through Skyhold that I was actually an ancient elf. Sean and the advisors had tried to keep it a secret for a while, but with the way gossip traveled here, it wasn't kept for long. Though apparently most didn't believe it. I still got strange looks either way.

I pushed open the door of the tavern, and walked into the smell of ale, sweat, and ash from the fire. Not an entirely pleasant smell. The bard singing that song she wrote about Sera and people were milling about with drinks in their hands. It only took a moment for me to be noticed by the Inquisitor's companions in the room. They were gathered at the large table in the center, being the loudest group in the building. The only ones missing were Dorian, in the library, and those out with the Inquisitor: Solas, Cole, and Blackwall. Cole was the only companion I hadn't had a chance to meet yet as he was still relatively new to the Inquisition himself, and was apparently a little shy. I was looking forward to meeting him. I loved him in the games.

"Echo! Come join us!" Varric called. I gave him a small smile and moved to join, sitting in the empty chair between Bull and Cullen.

Varric had given me the nickname Echo during his time teaching me common. I was trying to get used to speaking common, and started just repeating his words back to him. He of course took advantage and starting saying every curse word he could think of. I just pretended I didn't know what was going on, happily repeating some very foul language in the main hall, causing quite the disturbance, until Solas had stopped him. I thought it was pretty funny. Varric agreed.

As I sat, Bull handed me a tankard full of ale, and a hand of cards. I glanced at him in question, still a little unsettled by his hugeness. He just grinned at me.

"I don't know how to play Wicked Grace." I said. Over the last two weeks my common was now very good. I just pretended confusion or hesitation over the occasional word now. It was so nice to finally be able to talk to people.

Bull laughed at me, clearly already into his drinking.

"We'll teach you! Just don't take pointers from the Commander. You'll just end up without clothes on. Not that I would mind if it was you." He winked at me, but I ignored his comment to look at Cullen who was blushing beet red, not meeting my eyes, even though he clearly heard the comment.

"You lost your clothes, Commander?" I asked, gently teasing him. He was so damn cute when he got all shy. I was happily rewarded with a deeper blush and a stuttering attempt at an answer.

"Uh...Well... I..." He glanced around nervously.

I laughed quietly and waved it off. He didn't have to answer me. I already knew it was true.

Bull and Varric taught me the basics, others around the table throwing out pointers now and then. It was very similar to poker, which I had played a lot of in college. I wasn't amazing at it, but I knew how it worked. I usually could walk away without losing much. But right now, I had no money to bet. So, when we started playing, I just played to get the hang of it, not winning anything or losing anything. It was nice. I felt like I was hanging out with friends at home. I thought about my early college days when I had been a party girl. Poker night had been a regular event. The wave of nostalgia that hit me had me starting to relax, and I sipped the ale that Bull had set in front of me. I knew it was probably a bad idea, but I couldn't bring myself to care anymore. I made it through the first tankard as we finished a round. Josephine won, of course.

"Shae, the way you fight. Is that some kind of ancient fighting style? I haven't seen anything like that before." I looked at Bull who was leaning toward me slightly. I was just starting to feel a warm buzz from the alcohol that was making me feel pretty good. Bull pushed a new tankard my direction. _Where did he get that?_ _This will be my fourth? Fifth drink?_ I didn't really think about it too much. I did notice that everyone seemed to be paying attention to me now. Apparently everyone was curious about me. I grinned as I sipped at the froth on the ale.

"Yes. It's Ancient Martial Arts. It's more about observation and speed than it is about weapons." I frowned slightly as I considered. "After all, if I lose my weapon, or I am captured, I need to be able to defend myself without those things. I can kill with just my hands. I am the weapon." I smiled and held up my dainty fingers, wiggling them at Bull's face. He laughed at my antics.

"Yeah, you're kinda different when you're drunk. Not so serious." Bull said.

"Still pretty intimidating though." Cullen murmured beside me. I turned and looked straight at him, frowning. He leaned back, his eyes wide, possibly afraid of my reaction. I blinked slowly at him and then smiled. I tried to make it as relaxed and friendly as I could. Cullen chuckled awkwardly and smiled back at me.

They were dealing the next hand of Wicked Grace. I declined, waving my hand to have them skip me in the deal.

"Done already, Echo?" Varric asked.

I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm done playing. I'll sit and watch for a while though." Varric grinned and ordered me another ale before I was even done with my current tankard. _What a weird word. Tankard._

Pretty soon I was completely drunk but still trying to control myself. _No outbursts for you. And don't make out with Bull or Cullen._ I laid my head tiredly on my arms as the group started telling stories in turns. At one point Dorian spoke up across the table and I glanced up. _When did he get here?_ I was only halfway listening to Varric's story, probably one I had already heard anyway, since he was talking about Hawke again. It made me think of playing the game at home, snuggled on my couch. I felt a wave of homesickness come over me and I almost groaned. I tried to push it away but I couldn't quite think straight anymore. I closed my eyes, laid my head back down, and just thought of home.

I missed everything. I missed being able to shower everyday, watching TV, driving a car. I missed food that would be impossible here: pizza, hamburgers, Kung Pao chicken. Hell even a deli sandwich sounded like heaven right now.

I missed my phone, my computer. The ease of technology and access to information.

I missed living a life that wasn't a lie. I missed the gym. I missed teaching martial arts. I missed Dustin, who owned the gym and didn't _really_ like anyone, not even me.

I pulled my arms off the table and wrapped them around my torso, letting my forehead rest against the table and feeling the grain against my skin. I heard everyone laugh around me, but I wasn't paying any attention anymore.

I missed my family. But they were gone long before I even came here. I could feel the tears pricking my eyes. I shouldn't be here. I should be dead. I remember the bullets. I remember the pain. I died.

I heard a loud yell that brought me out of my downward spiral for a moment. I looked up to see Sean walking in the door, looking tired but with a smile on his face, and Solas following behind him. It wasn't often one saw Solas in the tavern, as he claimed it was too loud. I couldn't bring myself to smile or greet them. Not with the thoughts swirling in my head.

"Hey Boss! You're back! Care to join us for a game?" Bull yelled over my head. I flinched at his volume, and gently laid my head back down on the table. I was too drunk to care. I noticed, though, when it suddenly got very quiet in the tavern.

"Piercing, painful, pressure. I should be dead." I winced again as recognized that voice. I raised my head and turned. Cole was standing right behind me, staring down at me with a sorrowful expression. He continued, almost whispering, but the quiet of the room made his words feel loud.

"My world is gone. Nothing remains. Floating in the air like the ashes of my family." I felt all the blood drain from my face as I stared. I felt Bull shift uncomfortably behind me, and Cullen warily watched my face. I knew the others were probably also in varying states of discomfort but I couldn't see them.

"Cole." Solas had approached and had an edge of warning to his voice. But Cole continued still looking into my eyes.

"Hands on my chest as the blood gushes forth. 'Stay with me, Shae.' Pulled into blackness. Thrown so far I can never go back. Torn, tearing, taken. I am dead."

I stood abruptly and my chair toppled over, the words ringing in my head spoken aloud, and Cole stopped his ranting at my movement. Everyone was quiet now, staring at me. I was shaking, but I couldn't stop. I could feel my hands clenched into painful fists at my side, my nails digging into the flesh, but I couldn't relax them. Solas stepped towards me again, reaching out a hand to place on my shoulder and I flinched away from him. Before I really processed what I was doing, I was heading for the door.

"Shae." I heard Solas, but I ignored him. I broke into a sprint as soon as I was heard the door close behind me. I turned towards the armory, rushed up the stairs to the battlements and ran along the wall. I looked up at the tower that I knew would one day be either a mage or Templar tower. I threw open the door and scrambled up the steps and ladders, finally reaching the hatch that opened to the sky. I pulled myself up and walked to the wall. I wasn't thinking. I just moved. I climbed onto the stones that formed the wall and stood on the edge. I was teetering over a drop that would kill me if I fell. _But would it? Would I die? I didn't before._ I stood there staring down at the ground below, feeling the wind gently tugging at my clothes and hair.

 _I am dead. I know I died._ I stared at the ground. _Why am I alive? Why am I here?_

I felt despair clutch at my chest for a moment, tears started trailing down my cheeks. I looked up to the sky. I could see a million stars above me, along with the two moons. It was so foreign. I had never felt so far from home.

 _So alone._

I shuddered and lowered myself to sit on the edge, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them, letting my forehead rest on them, still just on the edge of the wall. I still could feel the shaking in my limbs. I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything else. But I couldn't get my focus back. The control I normally had was slipping through my fingers like water.

My emotions overwhelmed me. I gasped as I lost the little control I still maintained, and let the shuddering sobs overwhelm me.

 _I am dead._

I heard the footsteps on the ladder after a time, but I didn't look. I knew it was Solas. He walked slowly towards me, and put his arms around me. I still couldn't think coherently, so I didn't fight his grip when he gently pulled me toward himself, supporting my weight and lowering me to the ground inside the stone barrier around the edge. He pulled me to safety. I felt the cold stone on my knees and I couldn't stop my fists from clenching painfully as I held my torso. I leaned forward, pressing my forehead into the cold stone of the tower, curling in on myself. I felt like I was breaking apart, unable to breathe as sobs tore at my throat.

 _I am dead. And so is everything I loved._

I cried for what felt like hours before I felt like I had no more to give. It was then I noticed Solas' hand on my back. He was rubbing small circles and murmuring to me, comforting me.

 **"Hush, lethallan. You are safe."**

I slowly regained control. I hated this. This was not the life I was used to. I didn't belong here.

 **"It's gone."** I whispered, my face still pressed to the stone. **"Everyone is gone."**

Solas pulled on my shoulder gently, encouraging me to sit up. I did, slowly, but turned my face away. I was ashamed. He shouldn't have seen me like this, broken and in despair. Solas' fingers gently gripped my chin and guided me to look at him. I saw no pity or scorn. His eyes were full of a sorrow that reflected mine, and went even deeper. His thumb traced the line of my jaw, back and forth.

 **"You and I are here. It is not truly gone as long as we remember."** He thought I was talking about Arlathan. I nodded slowly and sat back, gently pulling my face from his grasp. I leaned heavily against the short wall behind me. I wiped the tears from my cheeks, trying to get my breathing under control. I shifted into my cross legged position and put my hands palm up on my knees, slowly trying to control my breath with meditation. I felt Solas lean back against the wall beside me. _Why is he staying?_

I focused on my breathing and ignored everything around me, bringing my focus back into myself. I had to fight the distraction that came with my inebriation, but I had a much better grasp of it now that I had released some emotion. I slowly let some of my memories wash over me in waves.

My parents smiling at me as I told them about my day over dinner.

Driving my car in the rain, with the music blaring as I sang along.

Standing in the hot water of the shower for an hour simply because I could.

Receiving a funny text from a guy I was crushing on.

Dustin smiling at me as I left the gym, waving.

Scrolling through Facebook, looking at my friends lives from a distance.

Getting all dressed up and going to a bar with a girlfriend.

Being handed my degree as I finally graduated college, wishing my parents could have seen it.

Riding my bike down the street to the taco truck in the summer.

Sketching in my notebook.

I opened my eyes. I suddenly wanted to draw. I wasn't much good really, my drawings weren't more refined than sketches. But I would give anything for something from home right now, and my memories were all I had. I turned my head and glanced at Solas. He was looking up at the sky, his expression still mournful.

"Solas." My voice was hoarse and I swallowed, trying to clear it. He turned to me and my breath caught. His eyes were beautiful, reflecting the stars. I blinked at him, collecting my thoughts.

 **"May I have a few sheets of paper?"** I said very quietly. He quirked his eyebrow a little in confusion but nodded. He stood and held his hand out to me. I slipped my hand into his, and he pulled me to my feet. I rose surprisingly close to his chest and couldn't help staring into his face, and he looked back. He was so very handsome. The sharpness of his jaw, the line of his nose, the soft curve of his lips. I blushed and pulled back from him, shaking my head. I refused to make a fool of myself in front of him, not anymore than I already had anyway, even while drunk.

He lowered himself down each ladder before me, hovering close to the bottom. I think he was afraid I might fall in my inebriated state. I almost smiled at his concern, but my feelings were still too raw.

We walked slowly back to the rotunda in silence. We didn't see anyone else on the way there. We must have been up on that tower longer than I realized.

Once we reached his desk, Solas pulled open a drawer and handed me a few pages of blank paper. I smiled at him softly in thanks, and he smiled back, his eyes gentle. It was probably the most honest smile I had seen on his face since coming here. I suddenly felt a solidarity with Solas that I hadn't realized before. He had lost his home and everything he had known. He had woken up from Uthenera to find everything was different than he remembered, than he had planned. And he was alone. Just like me.

I reached forward and took his hand, wrapping my fingers around his. He stared down at our hands, seeming confused at the contact. I rubbed my thumb on his skin, watching my own movement. The contact only lasted for a few moments before I pulled away. Without looking at him again, I turned and left the rotunda. He didn't follow me.

I walked slowly back to my room. Once inside, I leaned against the door in the dark, still shaking slightly. I shifted into the chair, lighting a candle with a flick of my wrist and my magic, and dropped the paper on the small table. I grabbed a pencil, which I had borrowed from Solas a while ago and stared at the blank pages.

I pictured my parents faces as they smiled at me. It was the last time I had visited them before the fire. They had been smiling at some story I was telling them about college. I began to sketch them as I remembered, absorbed in my task. When I leaned back, I studied them. It was a passable drawing. I felt tears prick my eyes again as I moved my fingers over the image. My mother smiling with her kind eyes, her hair falling over her shoulder. My father grinning as the laugh lines around his mouth deepened with age. I tried to smile back at them, even just my memory of them, but I couldn't. I still ached.

I stared at them for a while, before I noticed I had drawn them with round ears. I sighed and rubbed out the lines, carefully drawing them to a point, reflecting my ears now. I doubted I would show this picture to anyone willingly, but I didn't want anyone finding it either and wondering why the ancient elf was drawing humans.

I sighed. I left the drawing on the table and fell into bed, unable to keep my eyes open anymore. It had to be close to morning, but there was no light coming in my small window. I didn't care anymore.

I let sleep take me.

* * *

I groaned into my pillow when I finally woke up. My head was pounding, my eyes stung, and my throat was very sore and dry. Rolling out of bed, I stumbled over to the stand, pouring some day old water from the pitcher into a cup. I drank it slowly. It didn't taste very pleasant, kind of stagnant and warm, but it soothed the burn in my throat. I poured the rest of the pitcher into the bowl and splashed the water on my face and neck, cooling my warm skin and easing some of the pain in my head.

I turned and noticed the drawing resting on the table. I plopped down in the chair and stared at my parents, my eyes stinging. _I miss you so much._

Unfortunately, the alcohol didn't take my memory of last night. I still felt so raw from my outburst, and I was embarrassed that Solas had seen me like that. At least no one else witnessed the mental breakdown.

I sighed put my head in my hands. I could go out. I could try to be a productive member of the Inquisition today. But I didn't want to. _If I were at home, I would call in sick today._ I winced at the thought. I wasn't at home anymore. But I couldn't bring myself to care about the Inquisition today, especially since I would probably just be a new point of gossip. Plus my bed looked extremely welcoming at the moment. I stood and pulled off my tunic and shimmied out of my leggings, which didn't help my headache at all. Once undressed, I curled up in bed again, this time just in my smalls, and pulled the blankets over me. I could ignore the outside world just for today.

* * *

I woke to the sound of gentle knocking on my door. A glance at the window showed that the sun was out but it looked like it was maybe later in the day. Another knock. I blinked at it but didn't move or respond. I didn't want to talk to anyone yet. I wasn't ready.

"Shae? Are you alright?" It was Sean. He sounded genuinely concerned for my well-being and I felt bad for ignoring him. I sighed silently, and almost answered him, ready to ask him to leave me be for a while, but I didn't have to. I heard another door open.

"Inquisitor, you should leave her alone for a while. She will come out when she is ready. She just needs time." It was Solas, bless him. I heard Sean shuffle outside my door.

"I just wanted to make sure she was alright. I saw her face last night, Solas. I don't know that I understood all that Cole said, but... she looked devastated." I heard a sigh.

"She is mourning her people. We haven't really given her a chance to do that since she arrived. She was just pulled into our lives, and we swept her along with the activity of the Inquisition, but we forgot that as far as she is concerned, she was pulled straight from her home and deposited here among strangers. Everything she has ever known is gone."

I felt my throat tighten painfully at his words. _I am in mourning._

"Oh. I... suppose we did." I could almost hear the frown in his voice. "So, we just leave her in there?"

"She is strong, Sean. She will come out when she is ready."

"Ugh. Fine. But I feel like I should... DO something. I told Cole to back off a little, but I wanted to help more, somehow."

I could picture them standing in the hall, Sean fidgeting, glancing at my door, and Solas with his hands behind his back, watching him. It almost made me smile, these men looking out for me.

"Cole was just doing what was in his nature. And I'm sure she will let us know if there is anything she needs. For now, let's give her time."

Another sigh and then footsteps leaving and a door closing.

I closed my eyes. _I am in mourning._


	5. Chapter 5

*Bold is elven, italics are internal thought.

Also I mention some elven armor that Shae gets. Picture something like Merrill's. Or you can just google Vir Banal'ras. That is not the armor she has because that is only in the arbor wilds and we haven't been there yet... but that's how I picture it looking in my head. So if you want to know what Im picturing, look that up.

wiki/Vir_Banal%27ras

Leaning back from the table, I rubbed at my neck, feeling the tense muscles. Dropping the pencil on the table, I looked at my work. I had been in my room for almost two days now, not ready to leave and act normal again. I glanced at the window and saw that it was dark outside. The papers spread out before me, sketches on each of them, using up the last of the paper. I had drawn my house, a group of my friends, the gym, and Dustin's cranky old face. I stared at them for a moment, letting my fingers trace over the familiar lines. I couldn't keep these, they might be found. I would destroy them. But seeing them in front of me, even in mediocre sketches was like having a piece of home.

I carefully folded the drawings, except for the one of my parents. I winced as hunger twisted my stomach. I was generally a light eater, but after two days moping in my room I was becoming painfully hungry. I had ignored my body's needs for too long. I sighed.

Standing up from the chair, I pulled on my leggings and tunic. They were a little rumpled from sleeping in them the first night, but whatever. I pulled my hair from the ponytail and ran my fingers through it. Once it was somewhat untangled, I pulled it back up. I really needed a bath at this point, but I needed food first.

Quietly, I opened the door and peeked down the hall. I saw no movement, or heard anything. So I grabbed the folded drawings, and I crept down the hallway, and down the stairs, bare feet barely making any noise as I padded by the many doors.

Once outside, I looked around. It was very late, or maybe very early. The only movement I saw was the soldiers patrolling on the wall. I walked slowly toward the main hall. I knew it would be empty and I thought to burn the drawings in the fire place there. I needed to make sure they were completely destroyed. I had my secrets to keep.

Walking into the huge, empty hall was strange. It felt a lot bigger when there weren't a dozen nobles milling about, gossiping. I twitched a little when I saw a flicker of movement over my shoulder and resisted the urge to turn. _Hello, Shadow._

I had seen her for the first time a few days after I first joined the Inquisition. At first I had thought she was just a servant. She was a Dalish, darker skin with light vallaslin of Ghilan'nain, and dressed like one of the kitchen staff. I noticed her too often though, and she seemed to avoid my attention but always somewhere relatively close by, doing strangely nothing. It didn't take me long to figure out that she was watching me, and I started calling her Shadow in my head. I didn't mind the tail. I knew that I was not someone they could trust so easily.

I continued on my path towards the fire that was still cheerfully burning this late at night behind Varric's table. I couldn't just toss the papers in, Shadow would tell Leliana, and she would assume the worst possible explanation for me burning papers. I sighed. _This is way more subterfuge than I normally like._

I had the folded paper tucked into my palm, out of sight. I reached with that hand, holding the papers with my thumb, and grabbed one of the logs that was stacked to the side of the hearth. With the paper pressed against the log I crouched down before the fire and placed the log in, gently letting the papers get pulled in by the fire. I sat down there, watching them be consumed. The bright heat making my skin feel tight as I watched my memories burn.

 _Ashes, like the rest._

I reached over and grabbed the iron rod to stir the fire. I poked at the logs, trying to look like I was shifting the logs into a better position, but I shifted them just enough to crush the ashes, making sure they were fully consumed and hidden. I stood slowly and leaned the poker against the hearth again. I hoped Shadow would have nothing interesting to report to the spymaster.

I stood and walked across the hall, making my way down to the kitchens. It was empty as well. I rummaged through the tables and shelves, looking for something easy and appealing. I found several rolls under a towel, and grabbed two. I also found some cheese, which it was kinda gross that it was just sitting out, but then this was probably made within the last two days, and no one else was sick from it. I found a knife and cut off a piece.

I hopped up on the table, making myself comfortable as I ate my meal. I thought about the last two days. I had mourned the loss of everything familiar. I couldn't hold onto them anymore if I was going to make this life work. If I found a way to make it back, then I would reconsider. But as far as I could tell, I was dead in that world, and alive in this one. I needed to start actually living.

I considered what that meant. _What do I want my life here to look like?_

I thought about the Inquisition, about what I knew would be coming for them. Thedas was in rough shape, and things would take a while to resolve even once Corypheus was defeated.

If I could decide, I wanted to go back to being a trainer. I loved teaching martial arts and yoga. It had been my passion. I got my degree in physical therapy so I could be a better trainer, better understand the human body, and how it worked. Now I was doing none of those things. I knew I wanted to help the Inquisitor. Maybe I could talk to Sean about going out more, to help fight. _I don't know if he trusts me enough for that._

Finishing up my small meal, I jumped off the table. I swiped another roll, and started picking it apart as I walked outside. I just kind of wandered as I ate, considering my new life. I ended up on the battlements, bread quickly finished. Leaning against the stones, I stared out at the beautiful view in front of me. The mountains towered high, covered in snow, and the moonlight reflecting on the white expanse, and stars were numbering in the millions above me. _This really is a beautiful place._ It looked like it was going to be dawn in about a few hours, if I had to guess.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs behind me and I glanced to the side. I saw Sean approaching slowly, like I might run from him. I continued to gaze out at the view, not reacting to his presence.

"How are you?" He asked after a few awkward moments of silence.

I sighed. _I don't really think Sean knows how to handle emotional situations. Why is he even up at this hour?_

"I am fine. I appreciate your concern." I glanced at him again. He looked incredibly uncomfortable, but had a determined look on his face.

"Well... If you ever need to talk, I'm happy to listen. I mean, I know you don't really do that much... the whole talking thing..." I glanced at him, and he looked flustered, "Not that that's a bad thing! I just wanted to offer... I don't know what I'm saying. Ugh. Please ignore me." He put a hand over his eyes in embarrassment.

I couldn't hold back the laugh that escaped my lips. It was short and quiet, but it was there. I smiled at him. He looked a little shocked at my outburst, but he seemed pleased.

"Thank you, Sean. It... might be good to speak of home sometime." _Not that I will._

We leaned against the wall in silence for a few moments. I wasn't sure if he expected me to speak, but I was not going to just spill my guts to him.

After a moment, he asked. "Would you mind if I asked you a question?" I raised my eyebrow at him, waiting.

"What did you do? Before? I mean obviously you were a warrior. A soldier. Was that it?" I stared at him for a moment before turning back to the mountains. I remained quiet, thinking about what I could tell him. He obviously thought he had insulted me somehow.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have pried. I was just..."

"I suppose you could say I was a teacher. I'm not sure if that's the right word for it." I interrupted his ranting, and smiled at him slightly to show that I wasn't bothered by the question. "I was a warrior, but my work was to train others to fight like myself." He stared at me in silence for a moment, seeming shocked by my answer. Then his eyes got curious.

"Really? That's fascinating. So you trained soldiers for armies?" I frowned. The last thing I wanted was for him to ask me to train the Inquisition's soldiers.

"No. I trained individuals, teaching them the skills needed to become great warriors. I did not have the patience for large groups." I turned away from him, back to the mountains.

He stood quiet beside me for a moment. I thought he might leave, but he stayed. After a few moments, he took a deep breath, like he was taking a plunge into cold water.

"Would you be willing to train someone here? A member of the Inquisition?" I looked at him, curious as to where he was going with this. He looked nervously back at me. Apparently my demeanor as a standoffish ancient elf was working. I kept the severe look on my face as I seriously considered his question.

"It depends on the student." I said cryptically, trying to keep the smirk from my face. He looked away, his face expressing confusion, and apprehension. I almost laughed again.

"What about... me? Would you teach me?" I stared at him. I was able to keep my features calm, but I was shocked. _Why would he want me to teach him?_ I voiced my thoughts.

"Why?" I continued to stare at him as he shifted uncomfortably under my gaze. He took a long time thinking about his answer, but I was patient.

"I... Before, I was happy with my skill level. Since watching you fight, I realized you could easily defeat me, because I would never be able to touch you. I... do not find that acceptable if I am to be the leader for the Inquisition. I know I can't possibly beat everyone, but if I have an opportunity to improve, I will take it. I need to be better. And if you taught this skill to others before, maybe you would be willing to teach me."

I continued to stare at him, and he looked everywhere but my eyes, nervous about my response. Maybe he expected me to be offended. I was impressed. It took a lot to set aside your pride and admit you had more to learn. I stepped toward him, so there was only about a foot between us, and he finally looked at me nervously. I was pretty short next to him, so I was about eye level with his chest. I ignored his reaction to my proximity and focused on him physically.

I studied his body, examining his muscle development, his height, weight, proportions. He stood very still as I walked around him. I stopped in front of him again, and put my hand to my chin, considering. He was very fit of course. Waiving that huge sword around all day would give him very good upper body strength. There were some areas he really needed work though. I wanted to check his flexibility.

"Can you touch your toes?" He stared at me like I had grown an extra head or something. I laughed again at his face.

"Sean, keep your knees straight and your feet together, bend forward, and try to reach your toes." He continued to stare for a moment, before he shrugged and leaned forward. He was close, but couldn't quite touch his feet. He straightened up again.

"Not that I think you are crazy or anything, but why did I just do that?" I smirked again.

"Flexibility is important in this style. I would need to train you to use your body to its capacity." He blushed a little, and asked.

"I suppose I don't understand how touching my toes is important."

"Its important because I say it is. If you want to be trained you will have to learn to do as I instruct. Is that something the Inquisitor can do?" He looked a little sheepish and nodded.

"Yes, I can. I... don't doubt that its important. I just don't..." He stopped talking under my scrutiny. I eyed him a little. He was still new to this. I backed away from him a few feet. He watched with curiosity as I leaned forward and pulled my torso down. I pressed my forehead against my shins, and my elbows barely rested above the ground, my palms flat on the floor. I had essentially folded myself in half. Taking it further, I put my weight on my arms and lifted my legs into a graceful handstand. Then, to really throw him off, I bent my legs forward, toward him, he backed up as my feet slowly lowered to the ground, I walked my arms closer and used my muscles and balance to pull myself up into a standing position, facing him. Once I was up I could see his face. I couldn't help smiling at his open mouthed shock.

He sputtered for a moment, gathering his thoughts.

"That's not natural!" I laughed again. That's three times tonight he made me laugh.

"The muscles of the body can do amazing things when you train them. It takes a lot of work though."

He considered for a moment.

"I'm willing to learn. But I want to tell you now, I don't think I'll ever be able to do what you just did without breaking in half." He smiled at me, and I smiled back. He was very easy going, and I found myself hoping we would be friends.

"I am willing to teach you. But understand that this will be a long process of training your body. It will not be easy." He nodded.

"I understand."

"Come. There is no time like the present."

"Is that an ancient elf saying? Because I have never heard that." He fell into step beside me. I looked at him.

"It is just a saying. Why put off starting something when you can do it now. Especially for a shemlen who lives such a short life." I smiled at him and he grinned.

"I suppose to you I must seem like a baby, huh? How old are you anyway?"

He was beginning to relax around me, which I found refreshing. Everyone had been so tense around me for a while. The card game had really been the first time the group had seemed less apprehensive about me being around. But then it had turned sour when I had run from the room after the verbal proclamation of my emotions. How old am I?

"We don't keep track of our age like you do. The years pass too quickly when you have forever. I am, actually, rather young for my people. But if I had to guess I would say maybe two thousand." I said it casually like it was nothing. Of course, I was just throwing out a number, thinking of my current age and just adding a few zeros. But he stopped in his tracks for a moment before running up to my side again. I continued speaking without looking at him.

"But that is also not taking into account any time that has passed since I died. I suppose I don't count that since I wasn't aware of the passage of time."

I glanced at him now, walking beside me, and he looked astounded. I chuckled at his expression. We walked in silence for a moment, as he struggled to accept my supposed age.

"I don't understand how you can live that long. What do you do with that much time? How do you look so young?" I laughed again, at his curiosity. I would have to be careful to keep my story straight.

"What do any of us do with our lives? We try to be happy. We live as we can. We perfect our craft. As for my looks, we age differently is all."

"I'll say." He muttered. We walked in silence for a few more moments.

I stopped walking when we reached the training ring. He faced me.

"No wonder you are such a good fighter. I think two thousand years would give anyone a hand up." I fought the guilt that twisted in my gut. _I am just that good actually. At fighting... and lying._

I reached forward and put my hand on his stomach. He blushed and almost pulled back from me, but waited.

"This is your core. We need to strengthen your balance and lengthen your muscles in order to bring the flexibility that comes with this style." He nodded and I dropped my hand, ignoring his awkwardness.

I taught him stretches, slowly going through some of the most basic styles with him. When he didn't stretch far enough, I would gently push him further into the stretch.

"When you stretch, you need to feel the pull, the burn in your muscles. You are training them to go further, to be stronger than before." I had my hand on his back, gently pushing him until I felt the correct resistance in his body. He grunted against the unfamiliar strain.

"You normally aren't this touchy." He sounded a little strained. I ignored his tone.

"I am not normally teaching someone how to stretch properly." I didn't remove my hand. There was nothing sexual about my touch here, and if he thought otherwise then I would correct him when it became an issue. I really thought he was with Dorian at this point though. That's who I had been romancing when I created Sean.

"I don't mind. It's just a little different than I'm used to." He grunted again as I removed my hand and let him relax his body out of the stretch. I held out my hand and pulled him off the ground.

"Do these stretches I just taught you every morning, if you can. Don't push yourself too hard, though. You can injure yourself if you stretch too far. But this will train your body to be limber."

He nodded at me.

"I think I can do that."

"Do you have any experience with hand to hand combat?"

He shook his head at me.

"Nothing more than a few brawls when I was young."

"You are still young, Sean. Show me how you would stand, if we were to fight now." He grinned at me.

"Ha! I wouldn't be standing, I would be running the opposite direction!" I rolled my eyes at him, but I smiled. He complied though, and shifted into a stance for how he would fight without a weapon. I moved around him, nudging his stance a little wider, pulling his shoulders back, and finally fixing the way he clenched his fists. When I was satisfied with his stance, I took a step back.

"Memorize this stance." Sean closed his eyes, his eyebrows drawn, as he focused on the task I gave him. I smiled again. He was proving to be a wonderful student, even with the smart mouth on him.

I glanced around. I hadn't really noticed the light that was peeking over the mountains and the people that were just starting to wander around Skyhold, starting their daily tasks. I looked back at Sean who was still holding the pose, but looking at me expectantly. I sighed.

"Let's stop for now. I'm sure you have a million things to do. Do those stretches every morning. Do them correctly. And remember that stance." He relaxed and stood straight, rubbing his neck.

"You got it, Shae." I smiled at his familiar use of my name. "Hey, I wanted to ask. I am going to Crestwood, day after tomorrow. Apparently, they are having a lot of problems with rifts over there, and we need to find some Grey Warden friend of the Champion. Would you be interested in coming along? We could use a skilled fighter like you. And you can make sure I'm doing those stretches everyday." He gave me a lopsided smile, like that was the sugar coating on the offer. I laughed again. _He really is funny._

"Yes, I would like that." He grinned at me, nodding.

"We need to get you some armor then. Go down to the Undercroft sometime before we go and I'll tell Dagna and Harrit you're coming. They'll get you outfitted." I nodded and he waived, trotting off up the stairs and into the hall.

I sighed, but could tell my lips were still turned up slightly. I had fun. Which was surprising, considering. But Sean had an infectious optimism. I felt lighter already. _No wonder everyone loves him._

I turned to go back to my room. I wanted to take a bath, and then I would go see about the armor. When I looked up, I saw Solas. He was leaning against the armory, looking at me. _How long has he been there?_ As I met his eye, he shoved off the building and started walking towards me. I waited where I was, a little mortified to see him after my display the other night. I hated crying in front of anyone.

 **"Were you teaching Sean?"**

I watched his face for a moment. He seemed surprised. _Is there something against ancient elves teaching humans or something? No that makes no sense._ I nodded slowly, watching him.

 **"He asked me to."**

Solas nodded and studied my face. I hoped I didn't look too terrible. I could feel a blush spreading over my cheeks at his scrutiny. I felt like I should thank him. He had been so kind the other night, even though he didn't know me well.

 **"Thank you... for the other night."** I said quietly. He nodded, his features softening as he remembered.

 **"Are you alright?"** He surprised me with his genuine concern. _What do you care, Dread Wolf?_

 **"I'm... fine. I just needed to let a few things go."** I sighed, and avoided looking at his eyes. The sorrow there reflected my own too deeply. He noticed my discomfort and changed the topic.

 **"Are you going to Crestwood with us?"** Solas's face had shifted into polite curiosity. Like we hadn't just been casually discussing my emotional break. _God, I'm so embarrassed._

 **"Yes. Speaking of which, I need to go prepare."** _I don't know why I'm being so awkward about this._ He probably doesn't think anything of it. **"Thank you again, Solas."**

I slipped past him and headed for my room. I didn't look, but I could almost feel his gaze burning into my back as I walked away.

After a bath and changing to a new tunic, I walked through the main hall and pushed open the door to the Undercroft. I expected it to be freezing in there. And it was cold, but the heat from Harrit's forge seemed to warm the place decently. As I walked down the stairs I saw Harrit notice me. He stopped his work, and stared for a moment. Then he turned, I followed his line of sight to the slight dwarf woman standing across the room, focusing intently on her work. He grunted loudly and gestured at me with his hammer when she turned. Dagna dropped what she was doing and practically skipped over to me.

"Ooh. You're her! You're the ancient elf!" I stared at her for a moment. She was endearing, like I remembered from the game, but almost too perky in person.

"Yes." I simply stated. She bounced a little on the balls of her feet.

"Oh! The Inquisitor said you were coming! I'm Dagna by the way! You're Shae right?" I nodded. She seemed perfectly happy to carry on the conversation for both of us.

"Well, we can certainly get you outfitted. You wield daggers right? Harrit! Start looking for some good daggers!" Harrit grumbled, but moved over to a neatly organized pile of weapons and started shuffling through it. Dagna grabbed my hand, and I would have jerked away in shock if I hadn't been watching her. She led me over to some large chests. She threw the lid back on one of them, and started rifling through the armor I could see piled inside.

"Medium armor." She glanced over her shoulder at me. "Slight build, shorter length. Ah ha! Try this one!"

She helped me try on a few pieces, most of which were designed for humans and way too big for me, before we finally settled on a Dalish armor. It was a full body mail piece, with a green leather tunic that was over the mail. The shoulders were fur, with a piece of cloth that wrapped around my neck to prevent chaffing on the mail there. It also had leather guards for my legs and hands, and belts to hold the whole thing together. It all fit over my normal clothes nicely.

 _Hell yes. I look bad-ass._

I smiled at Dagna and she just glowed, immeasurably pleased with herself.

"I knew we would find you something! This is pretty great armor too!" She grabbed me again and dragged me over to Harrit.

He handed me a couple of matching daggers. They were very well crafted blades, and they each had a rune. One was a corrupting rune and the other a cleansing rune. I slid them into the sheaths on the back of my new armor.

Dagna led me back over to the other side. I was beginning to feel like a dog on a leash.

"Last thing! I want to get you a helmet!"

"No, Dagna. I won't wear a helmet." Dagna looked concerned.

"But... I am supposed to fully outfit you." She looked so distraught over my refusal that I gave in. I talked her out of some of the heavier helmets, refusing to wear anything metal or hat-like. We eventually settled on a battlemage cowl. It was essentially a hood. It was the only thing I would let her talk me into wearing. I attached it to the back of the mail, but didn't pull it up. Plus it was green and matched my armor. I probably wouldn't use it unless I needed stealth anyway. At least I can work with a hood.

Then, I had to fight Dagna about wearing boots.

"No. Absolutely not." Dagna groaned.

"Are you always so stubborn? Gah. Fine. But if you cut your feet or step on a dragon, don't blame me!" She threw up her hands, completely done with me.

"Thank you for your work, Dagna. And you Harrit." Harrit barely grunted in recognition of my words, not even looking up from his work. "I appreciate it."

"Oh, its no problem!" She was all smiles again. "I was excited to meet you anyway. You know they brought me the clothes you were found in? I ran tests on them. They were thousands of years old!" Dagna started ranting about her discoveries and how she wished they had let her take samples from you directly. But my brain had stuttered at her words. _The clothes I wore were thousands of years old? What does that mean? How did they get on me?_

"...compilation of the threads. Solas said it was a specific garment used in preparing someone for burial, or what he called uthanara? Utherna? I don't remember, something about eternal sleep. But he explained that the robes..." Dagna continued to rant on and on about her discovery, and how fascinating it was. I listened, but my mind was only halfway processing.

 _My clothes were robes for Uthenera? How the hell did I end up wearing that?_

"...so that's how we proved you were an ancient elf! That you weren't lying! Isn't it amazing that we can break down the information so easily to discover the truth?"

I stared at her, and nodded stiffly.

"Thank you Dagna. But I really must go prepare for the trip."

"All right. Stay safe out there!" She seemed oblivious to my flat expression. I slowly walked out of the Undercroft, and moved through the humans gossiping in the main hall. As I walked past, I heard a few whispers about me, spoken in the lilting Orlesian accent.

"Did you hear that she is an ancient? Like from Arlathan?"

"Do you believe that? She is probably just lying for attention."

"I don't know. I saw when they brought her back... she looked strange."

"Ha! If it's true I need her trick for staying young!"

Disgusted by their banter, I sped up, quickly moving down the stairs outside. I walked to the other stairs that went up to the battlements, which was really becoming my favorite place to think. I climbed onto the stones of the wall, sitting and letting my legs dangle outside. I was still dressed in my new armor, so I could lightly tap my heel against the stone and it made a pleasant clicking sound that helped me focus on my thoughts.

That must be why they haven't been pushing me for more information. They haven't asked more questions because my clothing basically proves it, and concerning Solas, not only my clothes but also my knowledge of his identity and the language, basically locked that in.

 _OK. So that's good right? My story about being an ancient elf has fallen easily into place. But, how the heck did that happen?_

My mind was reeling a bit thinking about how easily I was proven true. And it wasn't true. My lie had proof to support its falsity.

 _Well whatever works. I guess my cover is safe for now._

I heard footsteps behind me and almost rolled my eyes. Apparently I would never be alone on this wall for more than thirty minutes before being joined by someone. I didn't glance behind me, or imply I heard anything. I hoped maybe it was just one of the regular patrols. As the footsteps got closer, I heard Cullen speak.

"I would really be more comfortable if you didn't sit where a strong breeze could carry you to your death."

I smiled slightly and looked over my shoulder at him, but I didn't move. He stopped when he got close to me, leaning against the wall beside me. He looked like he had purposefully gotten close enough to catch me if I started to fall.

"Didn't you know, Commander? I cant die." I said it bitterly, without thinking. I had such an emotional roller coaster these last three days, and with Dagna's new information, my head wasn't quiet on straight.

He seemed to freeze at that comment. He knew my story. I had told Solas and the Inquisitor about my death, and of course they had relayed the story to the advisers.

"I would still rather not test the theory." He held out a gloved hand to me. I stared at it a moment and then sighed, and took his hand, letting him help me come back off the wall. Once I was inside he seemed to relax a little.

"So, I heard you are joining the Inquisitor on his next excursion." I sincerely appreciated that he was not mentioning the night of the game.

I nodded.

"Yes. He said we are leaving soon. I just got outfitted for this armor." I looked down. Cullen scanned my new armor as well and blushed. _Why?_

"Looks like good armor. Did she offer you a helmet?"

I smirked.

"Yes, and I refused anything more than this." I tugged on the hood, showing it to him. He nodded, understanding.

"I see. I prefer something a little heavier. But your fighting style is so different than what I am used to."

"We should spar sometime, Commander." He seemed surprised at my offer. I was a little surprised myself. But I liked Cullen. He was a good man. A good leader.

"There is no way I would be able to match your speed." I laughed at his incredulity.

"That doesn't matter. One good, strong strike from you and I'm down. We make make ourselves stronger fighting against those we are weak to." He considered for a moment before he smiled at me. He had a very lovely smile, and with that scar. _Damn._

"Very well. When you get back and I have time, we can spar. I look forward to it. Now I have to get back. Someone will inevitably come looking for me if I don't go back soon. Goodbye Shae."

I smiled at him lightly.

"Goodbye Commander."

He walked off, continuing in his previous direction. I pushed off from the wall, and walked back down to the courtyard. I went to my room and removed the armor. I did it step by step, so I remembered easily how to put it back on. Then once I was dressed normally again, I walked to the tavern. I wanted to talk to Cole.

When I walked in the door Iron Bull waived at me from across the room, inviting me to join his chargers in their revelry. I waived, shook my head and headed upstairs. On the second landing I moved to go up the second stairs, passing Sera as I went. She blew a raspberry at me. I smirked at her childishness. She had made it clear to me when we were first introduced that she didn't like my "elfyness." I had ignored the statement and generally ignored her. She hadn't even given me a chance to talk before she had made assumptions about who I was. It made me irritated with her. I had really enjoyed her interactions in the game, but now I was just annoyed. I wouldn't put up with her prejudice against me unless interaction was absolutely necessary.

I continued up the steps and turned, seeing Cole standing in the corner. He shifted side to side as he saw me. I walked up to him slowly.

"Hello Cole."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to help! Sean said I shouldn't have said all of that in front of everyone. But I was trying to tug on the knot. It wouldn't come loose unless I pulled."

I was happy that because of my game experience I could understand most of what Cole said.

"I understand Cole. I'm not angry. I know you are just trying to help." He looked relieved that I understood.

"Good. Your pain is not as loud today. It was very loud." He looked down, his hat hiding his whole face.

"Yes, I know." I leaned back against the railing and glanced around the tavern below. I could see Shadow downstairs talking to another person, hiding herself well in the environment. Just as I was looking down she glanced up and met my eyes. It was only for a second. I smiled. _She knows I know now. I wonder if Leliana will trade her out. I hope not._ I was just getting used to her. I pulled back and turned back to Cole. He whispered.

"The shadow on the wall, listening, lurking, liking. She likes you, but she follows you. She cannot hear us from here."

Cole said exactly what I needed to get the courage to ask my next question.

"Cole. What do you see when you look at me?" His eyes lifted and he studied my face for a moment.

"Old song singing, forgotten. Different world. Lost from your grasp. You didn't belong here but now you do. You did before you just didn't know yet." I nodded.

"Please Cole, I want to ask you not to share that with anyone. If you think I need help please feel free to help me, but I want to ask that you do it in private or very quietly."

"Yes. I can be quiet. I won't share. It's your pain. Not theirs. Theirs is different." I smiled at him, happy I had come to speak with him. He continued.

"You like me. You know me from before. Back when it wasn't real. You met me when you were outside looking through."

I nodded again.

"Yes Cole. I like you. And that's exactly what I'm talking about. I don't mind you saying those things, but please only say them to me."

He nodded.

"I understand." And then he disappeared. I jumped a little at his sudden absence, but then shrugged. He probably felt some other hurt that needed to be attended to. I sighed and walked down into the tavern. As I walked down the stairs I made eye contact again with Shadow. I couldn't help the smirk that spread across my lips. She didn't pull her eyes away this time. Surprising. Instead, I watched as her lips curved up into a smirk as well.

 _Looks like they really know I'm onto them._


	6. Chapter 6

I woke slowly, groaning as I stretched. _Crestwood. I still can't believe this is even happening._

Getting up, I donned my new armor and finished packing my bag, which just held a change of clothes and a few personal hygiene items. I took the drawing of my parents and tucked it into one of the books I borrowed from Solas, and was bringing along to read. Leliana would undoubtedly search my room while I was gone.

I slung the bag over my shoulder and headed down the hall quietly, trying not to wake anyone else as I passed their rooms. Once I made it past the door I sped my steps towards the training yard. It was a brisk morning, not quite light yet, and the morning dampness still clung to the world. I dropped my bag to the side and took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the damp clean air. I'll never miss the polluted air from back home. Breathing here just felt like filling my lungs with life.

I started my own stretches, restricted somewhat because of the armor, going from the simpler stretches as a warm up, to the more complex poses that tested my balance and strength. About halfway through I heard Sean jog up beside me. I was in the middle of my routine and I didn't want to interrupt myself, so I continued as I spoke.

"Sean, do those stretches I taught you. Make sure you do them right."

Sean nodded and moved slightly away from me, starting on his own, more basic, stretches. He picked them up pretty quickly, allowing himself to stretch into them. I only had to correct him twice on his positioning. Otherwise he remembered as I had shown him.

He really didn't talk much, which seemed out of character. Looking at his face I saw that he seemed contemplative, his eyes far away. At one point I saw him blush and shake his head. I averted my eyes so that when he glanced at me he didn't know that I had seen. _I wonder what is causing the Inquisitor to blush?_

Pulling myself into a standing position, I finished a few minutes before Sean. I stood quietly to the side though, and watched him finish the stretches.

"Good. Now show me that stance."

Sean stood and faced me, easily sliding into the stance I had him memorize before. I nodded, pleased. "Alright, show me how you would throw a punch."

We spent time that morning working on his form, I was able to skip over things I normally had to teach new students because of Sean's current level of fighting skill. I started teaching him different strikes and how to move smoothly between them. We only continued for another half hour or so before Sean sighed, and I knew this lesson was over.

"We should get ready to go. I still need to grab a few things before we head out." He still looked far away, off in his own little world.

"Are you alright, Sean? You've... been rather quiet." He turned and smiled at me, though it looked a little forced and didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Naw, I'm fine. Just can't get my head on straight this morning. Didn't sleep well. I'll see you at the gate." He waved over his shoulder at me as he walked away.

I grabbed my pack from the ground and swung it over my shoulder, glad that we would be getting out of Skyhold for a while. I meandered over to the gate, shivering slightly in the morning chill, and leaned against the stones by the merchants that were just starting to set up their wares. The daily activities of Skyhold were just beginning, and still moving sluggishly. I saw some movement inside the stables out of the corner of my eye, so I walked over.

Looking in the barn, I saw Blackwall walking tiredly down the stairs from the loft as Dennet and another stable hand were preparing a few horses for a trip. I paled a little when I realized it was probably for our trip. _Crap. Horses. At least I remember how to ride. Somewhat._

That's when Blackwall noticed me standing at the door. We had spoken maybe three sentences to each other since we had been introduced by Varric in the tavern. He didn't seem to dislike me, he just seemed like the quiet type. He nodded to me and turned toward a work table that I recognized from my game play. He grabbed the sheet that was thrown over what I knew to be his woodwork, and pulled, uncovering the griffon rocking horse that he was carving. He picked up his tools and began to work, ignoring the activity flurrying around him, focused on the peaceful motions of his carving.

I couldn't help but walk a little closer as I tried to stay out of the way of the stable hand. I had never seen anything be hand carved, and it was beautiful. The wood chipping away in soft curls as he smoothed out the edges. I soon found myself at the edge of his table, eyes glued to his hands as they worked. They froze after a moment, and I glanced up to find him looking at me with his furry eyebrows quirked in a silent question. I smiled softly.

"I apologize. I didn't mean to bother you. This is beautiful work, Blackwall."

I was finding myself hoping I would get to know him better. Just like every other major character in this impossible game world.

"Thank you. The little ones in the camps don't have much. I thought this might cheer them up."

His eyes softened and he smiled through his full beard, not quite looking at me. I felt the corners of my mouth tug upwards in response. He turned back to his work, his calloused hands making the repetitive motions and sending more curls of wood to the floor. I grabbed a few shavings from the edge of the tabletop, and ran my fingertips over the rough wood grain.

I heard the footsteps of someone approaching behind and my long ears picked up the 'Inquisitor' that was respectfully muttered as Sean walked by. I didn't turn as he walked up close behind me, looking over my shoulder at what held my interest.

"That looks like it's coming along nicely, Blackwall."

"Hmm. I hope to have it finished soon. Want some of those kids to get some actual use out of the thing." Sean nodded, and turned to me.

"So, let's get you set up with a mount." He grinned at me.

I turned fully to look at him and noticed he had changed into his own heavy armor, with his sword strapped to his back, and he held his own pack at his side. He turned and wandered through the other door toward Master Dennet and the horses. I dropped the wood shavings I held, and followed slowly behind him, frowning as I considered the hours of riding ahead of us.

I stopped at the first stall as a huge hart leaned its head over the railing to sniff at me. I backed up a little before it impaled me on its impressive antlers. He was beautiful and majestic, seeming like a creature out of legend. I couldn't help but stare at him for a moment before regaining my composure. An ancient elf probably wouldn't stare at a hart like it was a mythical creature.

I glanced at Sean, who was speaking quietly to Dennet as he saddled a rather large black horse. Sean gestured at me over his shoulder and Dennet looked over, eyeing me speculatively. I ignored it, continuing to study the hart, my face now a blank slate. Sean walked back over to me.

"Dennet will get something saddled for you. Do you have a preference?" He gestured to the hart and I shook my head.

Whatever they wanted to provide would do just fine. As long as it wasn't a dracolisk. My experience with horses was very limited, but from what I remembered of dracolisks, they were very different. I don't think I could handle one of those. Sean smiled at me, before turning and shaking his head at Dennet who nodded and gestured for one of the other stable hands.

Sean faced me again. "I'm glad you're coming along, Shae."

I smiled softly back at him but didn't reply. He turned and jogged away to where I could see Cullen and Leliana waiting for him. Undoubtedly to give him some last minute instructions, or ask him his input on some other important matter. For all that I had played the game as the Inquisitor, I did not envy him the position now that it was real.

The black horse Dennet had been tending to before was now in the hands of a pale elf with white hair that brushed his shoulders. I noticed him because of the stark contrast between the black of the horse and the paleness of the man. He glanced at me as well and our eyes met for a brief moment, before he blushed a dark red to the tips of his ears and quickly turned away. _I wonder what that's about._

Dennet soon came out from the deeper reaches of the stables, leading a smaller horse from the building. He led her out onto the grass and gestured for me to join him.

"Well, get over here and meet her."

I remembered Dennet being a little brash in the game as well. _I like it. It feels real._

I walked over and stood beside him, but the horse had other ideas, simply too curious to let me stand idly beside her. She eyed me with fascination as I held my hand out to let her sniff me. And apparently deciding she liked me, she snuggled her long face right up into my chest, almost knocking me on my ass. I had to throw my arms around her face to remain upright. Dennet laughed loudly from my side and gently encouraged her back, allowing me to regain my footing.

"She likes you." I smiled softly at him, and pet her forehead as she lipped my armor.

"Does she have a name?" I asked, as Dennet was taking advantage of her distraction with me by throwing a simple saddle over her back.

"Naw. I don't name 'em. You can if you want, but I never bother."

He finished cinching up the saddle while I considered it. She was a lovely horse, chestnut brown on most of her body, but her face and hindquarters had a splash of white spots that drew the eyes. And she apparently loved me right away, which certainly helped my own affection grow. I stroked her neck as she snuffled about my person, clearly looking for treats I may have hidden. I noticed she almost held herself daintily as she leaned to one side. It made me think of when a woman stands with a hip out to sass someone. I smiled at the thought and looked to Dennet as he finished with her bridle.

"I think I'll call her Da'asha. Would you like that?" I murmured to her.

She shoved her nose into my chest again and I chuckled, holding on to the reigns to keep my balance.

"You can ride, right?" Dennet eyed me, a little suspicious of anyone new on his horses.

I nodded, not really lying. One summer when I was fifteen my mother had insisted that I have riding lessons. All together, I had maybe twelve lessons before school started up again and I had to stop for the sake of homework. But I remembered most of what they taught me. It had just been a very long time since then. _I kinda hope it's like riding a bike, and you just never forget._

Dennet shrugged and wandered off to help the others. I saw Sean was still with Cullen, but Leliana was off to the side with one of her agents. Solas was just wandering into the courtyard, and when our eyes met he gave a small wave but didn't come over to speak. There was no sign of Dorian yet, though I honestly wasn't surprised. With how narcissistic he is I would expect him to take forever getting ready in the mornings.

I strapped my pack to the back of the saddle, positioning it so it would sit comfortably behind me. I considered what I knew about Crestwood. I remembered the rift in the lake and the caves. I was not looking forward to that. Not to mention the undead, the bandits, and the red templars that would be in the area. I also knew we would be meeting up with Hawke and the Warden. _Well, we'll just have to see how it goes._

I glanced around, hoping to get on the horse while no one was looking in case I made a fool of myself. I stepped awkwardly into the stirrup and pulled myself into the saddle. I shifted around a bit before I really settled, and Da'asha just shifted her weight beneath me, patiently waiting for me to direct her. I sighed, relieved. _At least I'm on the horse._

Sean walked up beside Da'asha and patted her on the neck.

"I'm amazed you made it onto the horse all by yourself. I thought I might have to come give you a boost." He grinned at me, teasing.

I was used to hearing short jokes before. Now, though, I had noticed I was actually just barely taller than your average elf woman, but still short compared to humans, especially Sean who was very tall. I darted forward in the saddle, smacking him up the side of the head, which, given his height, was very reachable.

"Ow! I'm kidding!" He jumped away from me, laughing and I couldn't help the small smile on my face.

"Get back, Sean. Before I come down there after you." I glared, but my smile ruined the effect.

He grinned again and turned to easily mount his own horse that had just been led out, which was a beautiful white creature, much bigger than my own horse. Solas came into view beside me and was sitting on a hart that was a dark gray with red stripes down its hind legs. It was a striking sight, him proudly mounted on a creature that looked like it was from a story book. _Damn, he is handsome..._ I shook my head slightly to focus my wandering thoughts.

Dorian was walking briskly down the steps towards us, his hair and clothes immaculate, of course. Sean teased him as Dorian mounted his own horse.

"I'm so glad you could make yourself presentable for our full days ride to Crestwood. Wouldn't want anyone to think you didn't care about your appearance." He grinned and Dorian gave him a stunning smile in return.

"Oh, my dear Inquisitor. I wouldn't want to deprive you, or our companions, of a chance to admire my charming good looks on our trek through the countryside."

Sean chuckled, and Dorian winked. I shook my head. Dorian rode the large charger that I saw before, that was straight black. All our mounts were beautiful. I noticed Dennet walked closer to me again, inspecting the length of my stirrups.

"You keep very impressive mounts, Master Dennet. The Inquisitor is lucky to have you."

Dennet looked up at me a little surprised, but then he grunted and waived his hand as though to dismiss my praise, but I could see he was pleased. Sean moved his horse toward the gate, stopping briefly in front of Leliana, talking quietly. Dorian followed him, and Solas pulled his hart around to stop next to me. The height difference was exaggerated by the hart's larger form.

I looked up at him and couldn't help but admire him on that hart again. _Beautiful._

 **"Good morning, Lethallan."** His voice sounded tired but warm, slipping into comfortable elvhen.

I had a theory since Solas went to the Fade so much, he liked to sleep in as much as possible. _So, not a morning person. At least he doesn't sound cranky._

 **"Good morning."** I smiled at him softly.

We sat in amicable silence, patiently waiting for the others to finish their conversation. I spent the time going over what I could remember from my riding lessons. I hoped I wouldn't be making a fool of myself.

I lightly tapped Da'asha forward, happy when she responded and moved over to the gate to wait for Sean. Solas followed behind me. After a few moments, Sean turned his horse and headed past me across the bridge, Dorian following closely behind. I glanced back over my shoulder and was caught by Leliana's stare. Her eyes told me that she didn't trust me yet. I nodded hoping to convey something of an understanding to her, and then I turned and followed Sean out of Skyhold, Solas' hart easily keeping pace beside me.

* * *

About five hours later I was beginning to curse Sean and his traveling tendencies, muttering under my breath as my muscles cramped up from riding. I needed a distraction. I looked at Solas who was riding quietly beside me. Hopefully he was awake enough for a chat.

"So, what should I expect from these expeditions?" He considered his reply for a moment. He always contemplated each word as if it would be of vital importance.

"Usually we run around the countryside for days, trying to solve every little problem Sean can get himself involved in." Solas said it in a slightly scolding tone, but the soft smile on his face told me that he actually approved of Sean's attempts to help others.

"Ah." I nodded.

"We usually make several camps in the area, so we can travel quickly. Inquisition scouts and troops are always there to meet us and apprise us of the situation. Depending on the rifts, enemies, and terrain, Sean takes different teams out to make an area safe for inquisition troops to move in. It's a rather impressive way of securing an area with little manpower."

"It makes sense. Moving as a small unit through a hostile territory makes us easy to miss. But the skill level of each person would have to be pretty high, and they would have to work as a coherent team. I suppose I should be flattered to have been invited."

Solas chuckled at that. "Yes. Though with your level of skill, I doubt your ability to assist was ever in question. Possibly you intentions, but never your abilities. Sean trusts you though, probably due in no small part to your training with him. I will admit to some curiosity. I never would have thought you would be willing to teach someone else, much less a shemlen, _those_ techniques."

The way he emphasized the words 'those techniques' caught my attention quickly and I snapped my gaze over to him. _What did he mean by that?_

He was watching me closely as well. I turned back to focus my gaze ahead as I considered my response for a few seconds. _Those techniques?_ I decided to be vague as I slipped into elven, even though Sean was probably too far ahead to hear me.

 **"I am not teaching him everything, Solas. He asked me for help. He simply wished to improve. It does not hurt anyone to learn a few stretches and strikes."**

Solas' eyebrow quirked and he looked ahead as well. We were silent for a moment. I was afraid maybe I had revealed something to him I shouldn't have. _Was there some equivalent to martial arts in Arlathan? He makes it sound like some kind of secret fighting style._

Now I was just nervous. I wanted to change the subject. _What's a good way to get Solas' attention? The Fade._

"So, Solas, tell me about some of your experiences in the Fade." I threw a small smile his direction and he returned it.

"What would you like to know?" I smirked. _Too easy._

"Anything. Every experience is different for each person, influenced not only by thoughts and feelings of those involved in the memory, but by your own. If I witnessed the same memory as you have, would I see the same thing?"

Solas looked pleased with my line of thinking.

"Not quite. Memories are influenced not only by those who lived them, but by our own thoughts as well. I try to be as unbiased as possible in the Fade. But that can be trying for any being with emotions. Spirits less so. One such acquaintance of mine used to travel with me to discuss the differences in what we witnessed. It can be a very enlightening experience."

He considered for a moment. I expected to hear one of the stories he told in the game. Something familiar. I was surprised when it wasn't.

"I once saw the memory of a human soldier in the Exalted March on the Dales. After a raid on a small elven settlement, he entered a small hut to check for enemies. Inside were two bodies, a man and a woman. As the soldier searched for valuables, he heard a noise. Drawing his blade, he opened a closet to find the source of the sound. Inside was a small elven girl clutching a doll, tears in her eyes. The soldier raised his sword to strike, but hesitated at her innocence. Smiling softly, he sheathed his weapon, put a finger to his lips and closed the door again. He left the house. A few hours later, when it was dark, he returned, got the girl and sneaked out under cover of darkness; deserting for the sake of one elven child's life."

I couldn't help the grimace of sorrow that slid quickly across my face. Solas was watching me so I schooled my features. I threw a sad smile his way and he quirked his lips.

"Tell me more, Solas." He smiled fully at that. I knew he liked discussing the Fade.

For the next several hours, we discussed different experiences he had. He did most of the talking, but my questions and subtle encouragement kept him going. Listening to him speak was addicting, and we both enjoyed the topic of conversation. It was a wonderful distraction for my aching muscles.

"Lets stop for a bit." Sean called back over his shoulder from ahead of us.

I almost groaned with relief. _Finally._

I pulled Da'asha near the others, who were quickly dismounting, and I pulled myself from the saddle, wincing from the sore muscles in my legs. I stretched the muscles, hoping I could ease the tension. I would be very sore tomorrow, I was sure of it. Sean had just plopped down in the dirt, leaning against a tree as he dug through a bag he had pulled from his horse. From it he pulled out some bread, some dried meat, a few apples, and some cheese.

He handed some to Dorian, who had gracefully lowered himself beside the Inquisitor, and Solas crouched near them, taking some of the food in turn. I was still standing a little outside their circle. I felt a nudge at my back. Da'asha was either telling me I needed to go join them, or she was just showing me more affection. I turned and stroked her neck, to comfort both of us.

She was such an easy going animal, and to have so much love and trust from anyone, even a horse, was making me very attached to her already. I turned and accepted my share of the meal, but remained standing, knowing that blood flow was better, and I would miss standing about fifteen minutes after getting back in the saddle. I felt a stronger nudge to my back and Dorian chuckled, looking at me stumble forward slightly.

"You seem to have won her over rather quickly."

I turned back to her, holding out my apple, which quickly disappeared between her furry lips. Dorian then struck up a conversation with Sean about horses and the difference in breeds from Tevinter. There was a lot of flirting going on and I watched out of the corner of my eye as Dorian teased and grinned. Sean always had a good comeback waiting, but he had the cutest blush that he couldn't hide whenever there was an implied suggestion or innuendo. It was adorable. I couldn't help but smile.

After too short of time, we were mounting up again.

"We should reach the forward camp in Crestwood by dark." Sean said, and he started moving down the path ahead.

Solas followed and caught up to him quickly, seeming to strike up conversation. Which left me with Dorian. I had only had maybe one conversation with Dorian since arriving at Skyhold. All other interactions had been in a group setting. I moved Da'asha forward, matching the pace of those in front of us easily so that I wouldn't fall behind. Dorian's black charger fell into step beside Da'asha.

"So my dear, I have been meaning to ask you... I heard about your demonstration with Cassandra. I understand that you are a mage?" I raised my eyebrow at him, unsure of where he was going with this.

"I just wonder at your proclivity to daggers. If you have the naturally superior talent of magic, why are you wasting said talent flailing knives about?"

I laughed out loud, and saw Solas and Sean glance over their shoulders at us. Dorian spoke in a way that was both joking and insulting at the same time. I knew that it wasn't personal though.

"Dorian. I can use magic. But it is not always my preferred weapon. Its flashy and unreliable sometimes. I have many tools in my arsenal. I simply do not rely on a single one."

He eyed me speculatively, pursing his lips. So I continued.

"What do you do Dorian, if you cannot use your magic? Say a templar suppresses you, or you are just exhausted and weak without lyrium. What then?"

Dorian raised an eyebrow at my pointed question. He knew where I was going with this. He was, after all, a very smart man.

"I am trained to use my staff as a weapon. And not just in the bedroom." He threw me a dazzling smile and I chuckled at his joke.

"And you received that training so that in those circumstances you wouldn't die. I choose not to rely on magic. It was never my strongest ability after all, and I enjoy the more... physical aspects of a good fight." I winked at him and he grinned again.

"Would you mind if I ask you some questions? I am so curious about a beautiful elven woman like yourself. I mean, you are almost as pretty as me!" He laughed and I rolled my eyes at his somewhat insulting compliment.

"Yes, yes we all know you are very pretty Dorian. And yes, you can ask me questions... but I may choose not to answer." I said it in a lighthearted voice, but the look I gave him said that I was very serious. He nodded.

"Of course. And you are of course free to return my interrogation with questions of your own. I know everyone is dying to know more about me, I'll give you all the sordid details if you want them. I do so love talking about myself." He winked at me.

 _I think he doesn't know how not to flirt._

"Hmmm. We'll see. I need to be able to sleep without nightmares you know."

He laughed loudly again.

"Yes, well. Let me ask then." He seemed to be alight with curiosity now that we had finally gotten to a point where he was allowed to question me. "Is it true that everyone had magic during the time of Arlathan?"

* * *

I passed the rest of the trip being interrogated by Dorian about any information I could give. Unfortunately I had to dodge most questions with either vague speculation or claiming memory loss. I could tell the scholar in him was disappointed a lot of the time, but he seemed happy with most of our conversation. He inquired about Elvhenan, Uthenera, immortality, and the rift I fell through along with the Fade beyond it. For the most part, they were formatted like research questions; impersonal, and I appreciated it. It made it easier to talk about without relating it to my life.

I asked him my fair share of questions in return. I asked about Tevinter, the politics, the Black Divine (which I found out was the name of his horse as well and was surprised at his boldness. Apparently he just called him Divine in most company and let people assume it was harmless), and the magical abilities he possessed. He was more than happy to go on and on about magical theory for hours. It was a pleasant way to distract myself from the discomfort I felt in my thighs as the ride dragged on.

It started raining just as the sun was setting. With the darkening sky and our damp clothes it was beginning to be very cold. Dorian began grumbling about the weather which ceased his questions, so I pulled up my hood and we rode on in silence. By the time we saw the fire and the few red tents that were put up, we were soaked to the skin, our clothes dripping. I shivered against the cold, thankful that I had at least accepted the hood from Dagna. My hair was soaked and dripping, but at least I had something covering my head.

We rode into the small camp and dismounted slowly. For a moment I didn't trust my legs to hold me, but they did, shakily. Sean handed his reigns off to one of the soldiers and walked over to Scout Harding to get a report of the area. I clung to Da'asha for a little while as my legs stopped shaking. Another soldier came and took our mounts from us- they were going to handle brushing them down and caring for them- and I was left holding my pack in the rain. At least the canvas bag was waterproofed with wax.

I was still shivering as I stood there, not sure what to do with myself. Solas and Dorian seemed to be waiting for Sean before moving fully into the camp. I looked at him, talking just far enough away that I couldn't hear what was said. He glanced over his shoulder at us, a worried look on his face and then he turned back to Harding and nodded. She looked apologetic. He rubbed a hand through his wet hair, messing it all up so it stuck out at strange angles, as he turned and walked back to us, trudging through the mud.

"Well, we are going to be staying here tonight. It's too dark to wander out there right now anyway. There's only one problem though. They had to use some canvas from the tents to shelter the horses because their last shelter didn't survive in the mud. Anyway... there are only two tents available for us. The other soldiers are sharing and alternating to keep watch. But we'll have to go two to a tent."

He was staring right at me, obviously uncomfortable with the fact that I would have to sleep in the same tent as one of them. I smirked at him. It was cute that he was concerned for my comfort.

"Don't worry about it, Sean. We are all adults here. Well, except maybe Dorian."

Dorian looked comically offended, clutching his hand over his heart dramatically, and Sean chuckled. "Yeah, well I didn't want to cause awkwardness."

"I think we can handle it." I smiled at him softly, letting him see that I really was fine with this, it wasn't a problem.

We walked further into the camp and the requisition officer pointed out the two tents for us. I thought I saw her eyes linger on Sean a little longer than normal, and a blush on her cheeks but I brushed it off as the cold and the rain. Dorian, without speaking to us, just walked into the first tent, obviously sick of being in the terrible weather, leaving the choice to us. Sean probably would have been my first choice to bunk with. I was comfortable with Sean and I suspected he was interested in Dorian, since I had designed him to be. But I also wasn't sure. Dorian was a safe bet because I was positive he wouldn't see me as a sexual entity and my desire to avoid complex relations while in this strange world had me thinking that would be safe. Solas was who I wanted to sleep with, if I was being totally honest with myself. I felt safe around him, plus other good feelings I wouldn't admit to. I knew that I had some remaining feelings from when I romanced Solas in the game. I was sadly obsessed.

 _Dammit. I'm over thinking this._

I saw Sean glance at the tent Dorian had just gone into and I couldn't help but smirk a tiny bit. _Maybe there is more going on behind closed doors than they are letting on?_

I sighed tiredly and looked at Solas, who was watching me as we stood in our silent little circle.

"Come on, Solas."

I turned to go into the second tent. Sean caught my eye, silently asking if I was sure. I nodded and waived at him, ducking into the second tent. Solas entered behind me, finally out of the rain.

The tent wasn't bad. There was some standing room at the front, and there were two cots on either side of the central support. I dropped my bag at the foot of the cot on the right, arbitrarily picking a side. I stayed near the front and considered my condition. My armor and clothing were soaked. I started peeling off my armor, hanging things over the supports of the tent to dry. I was down to my tunic and pants, which were dripping as well. _Damn._

I had a fresh change of clothes in my bag. But I didn't want to change into clean clothes just to wear them to bed, besides my soaking hair and damp skin would just make those wet as well. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep in my soaking clothes, besides I was shivering. _Damn it all. At least I'm not shy. Just like a locker room._

I glanced at Solas over my shoulder. He was peeling off his outer layers as well, hanging things up just as I had. I could warn him. Ask him to look away. But that seemed silly. I also didn't want him staring at me luridly in my smalls. I shivered for a whole new reason then, glad I was looking at the tent wall to hide my blush.

I faced the wall of the tent, at least to get a modicum of privacy, and I peeled off my tunic. I thought I could hear Solas' movement come to a sudden stop but I wasn't going to look and see. He knows what a woman's body looks like. And if it makes him uncomfortable he can bloody well look the other way. I shivered and saw goosebumps break out all over my skin as I exposed my flesh. I pulled down my leggings as well, wriggling out of the wet fabric and hanging them with my other clothing. I pulled down my hair, wringing it out, knowing it would dry faster down. I crawled into the bedroll and wrapped myself in the blankets as tight as I could, seeking warmth.

I heard continued rustling behind me from time to time, as Solas finished getting ready for sleep as well. The whole time I had purposefully not looked at all in Solas' direction. For all I knew he had watched the whole show. Pervy Dread Wolf. I couldn't help the small smile that turned my lips at the thought though. And I scolded myself as I tried to sleep, shivering in the blankets.

* * *

Water gently lapped against the dock, the sound calming me more than anything else could. I sat and stared at the sky, not sure if it was a sunrise, or a sunset I was seeing. I knew I was in the Fade. Since coming to Thedas, my dreams had taken on a sharper distinction. They were more vivid, but also had a fluidity that was unfamiliar, and if I looked really closely at something I could see where the edges were fuzzed and not quite right.

The first time, I had realized I was dreaming and had been excited. I tried to influence the Fade with my thoughts and intentions. It had not gone well at the time, only giving me a headache. Now though if I really focused I could somewhat change the direction of my dreams, though I still had little control.

I always ended up coming here though. My recurring nightmare.

It started out peacefully, like always. I sat on a dock, on the lake behind my parents house in the mountains, surrounded by fir trees. If I turned around I could see their cabin up on the hill a little ways from the shore. This was where I had always preferred to be though. Whenever I had visited them, I would come out to sit as often as I could, the water and solitude clearing my thoughts of whatever stresses were plaguing me at the time. I didn't want to turn around, but inevitably that's where my nightmare would take me. To the last time I had seen their house.

The wood collapsed in on itself and the smell of smoke permeating the air.

Responding to the uncontrolled direction of my thoughts, I started to smell that acrid scent of burning plastic. I grimaced and shook my head, attempting to focus on the lake and the peace I had felt before. It was always a tough battle. My favorite memories of quiet here, sullied by the terror of simply turning and my subconscious supplying the images of my parents burning in their home. But I came here every night still. _My own personal form of torture._

I flinched as I started to hear the crackling fire and groaning timbers from the house. I could feel the heat pressing against my back, the exposed skin of my neck and arms feeling stretched and dry. I refused to turn, to look. I pulled my knees up and pressed my eyes against them, clenching my jaw painfully. Tonight I was apparently fighting a losing battle. It wasn't long before I heard the familiar cries behind me. I knew they were coming, they always were there when I couldn't manage to control my emotions. That was always the moment when I couldn't stand not to look.

I stood as fast as I could, whirling around, my eyes wide as I took in the familiar scene. The cabin was just as I remember it. A small two bedroom house on a hill, with wind chimes hanging by the door, and a BBQ on the porch. Flowers were blooming in the planters and an old truck sat in the driveway. It was like a picture from a postcard. What turned it into a nightmare was what could be seen through the windows. The large bay window was where my attention always focused. It was there I could see their faces. I knew this wasn't how it actually happened.

It had been a simple mistake. A candle that my mother had accidentally left burning too close to a curtain, or at least that's what the firefighters had said. It made sense though. She always loved candles. Left them burning all day, letting the scents she loved fill the house. According to the police officer who had told me of their deaths, they had passed in their sleep from smoke inhalation well before the fire got to them. But it did get to them. The funeral had been closed casket.

I felt tears begin to stream down my face as I watched my mother banging on the glass with her fists, her eyes begging me for help. I could see my father in the background, trying to put out the fire, even though it was already consuming most of the house. I had tried to help them before, but the house wouldn't budge. The doors would never open and the windows would never break. On previous nights, I had felt my own skin blister as I pressed my hands against the glass and watched them burn, screaming in rage at my helplessness.

I wouldn't do that this time. _I know the end results._

I glared at the house. At the Fade. All I wanted now was to wake up. I would not indulge whatever spirit or demon was showing me this.

"Wake up!" I screamed, voice cracking, putting all my focus into the words. And I did.

* * *

I bolted up in my bedroll, gasping for air and shaking. I quickly dashed my hands over my cheeks, wiping away any wetness there, and ran my fingers through my hair, sighing heavily.

"Are you alright?" I jumped a little and glanced over to my side where Solas was, maybe a foot away in his cot.

He was leaning up slightly, looking at me with concern. I had obviously awoken him with my disquiet. I looked away, afraid of what emotions were playing on my face.

"I'm fine." I tried, and failed, to keep the quiver out of my voice.

I rubbed my hands over my face in an exhausted manner, trying to control myself again. He stared at me a moment longer, his eyes probably seeing more than I wanted them to, before resting his head back down. I appreciated his lack of further questioning. I reached to the end of the cot and grabbed my bag, pulling out my clean clothes. There was no way I was going back to sleep after that. I quickly dressed and scrambled out of the tent, just wanting to be away from his watchful eyes and intuition.

Once I was outside, I glanced around. It was still dark, only a few of the soldiers were up and sitting by the fire or wandering the camp, probably on duty more than by choice. I considered going to sit by the fire, but after my dream I wasn't ready to feel its heat against my face.

I wandered to the edge of the camp and stared out into the landscape. At least it had stopped raining for a while, though the dark clouds were still hanging around, threatening another downpour. I noticed a fennec rooting around in the grass a little distance from camp, probably rooting around for something to eat, and I watched it, just to keep my mind occupied. They were very cute little animals.

I heard footsteps approaching behind me. Sigh. _Never alone._

"Good morning. You're up early." I looked to my side and saw the requisitions officer beside me.

I rudely didn't say anything, kind of hoping she would eventually leave.

"I'm Nara, by the way. Nara Goffin." She smiled at me, waiting patiently for a reply.

I studied her. She had short brown hair tucked away in her helmet. Her eyes were hazel, and she had a smattering of freckles across her nose. I sighed, unable to justify my silence in the face of her kind expression anymore.

"I'm Shae." She grinned at me, wrinkling her nose.

"When did you join the Inquisition? You must be quite a fighter to be traveling with the Inquisitor. I heard he only takes the best with him." She was so eager, she rambled a little.

"I only joined a few months ago."

 _Officially only one and half months, but whatever._

"Ah. I have been involved since Haven. I was there when we were attacked. The Inquisitor saved my life! He was so brave that day." I saw her eyes light up and I knew that she had a major crush.

"Mm-hmm." I was still watching the fennec as I only halfway listened to her story.

"That's why I don't mind serving out in the field like this. I have experience with requisitions, but not enough to be helpful at any of our major holdings. Just small things. So I'm glad to be helping out here where I'm needed." She grinned at me.

I had a headache building behind my eyes. She was kind, but I was not in the mood for this conversation, and I was a little afraid I would snap and hurt her feelings.

"I'm sorry, Nara. I need to get back to sleep. I really just needed some air." I smiled at her as kindly as I could through my headache.

"Oh, of course! I hope we get a chance to speak again! In fact, I'm sure we will if you are going to be traveling with the Inquisitor." She got that dreamy look in her eyes again.

I nodded and turned away, walking slowly back to the tent now that I given myself no other choices. I pushed aside the tent flap and stepped inside. Solas opened his eyes and looked at me but didn't say anything. I ignored his stare. I had been gone for maybe thirty minutes. I collapsed on the cot fully clothed, not wanting to bother getting undressed again. There were only a few more hours till dawn anyway. I wasn't planning on sleeping, but I could at least relax and enjoy the warmth for a while longer.

I considered Nara and her kind smiles and that dreamy look in her eyes when talking about Sean. I certainly hoped I wouldn't be the one to tell her that Sean played for the other team.


	7. Chapter 7

" **Good morning."**

I glanced over the top of the book I was reading at Solas, my eyes widened a little and I stared. I was sitting on my cot, facing him, leaning against the support post behind me. He was sitting up on his cot, looking at me, totally shirtless. The blanket covered his legs still so I couldn't see any more than his chest and stomach. My eyes darted quickly over his body, admiring what I saw. When I caught myself, they jumped back up to his gaze he was smirking. He was more defined than I expected, especially for a mage. I couldn't help imagining running my fingers over... _Grow up, Shae! That's never going to happen and you know it!_

 _It might improve my mood though._

I dragged my eyes forcefully back down to the book, my expression unchanged.

My headache had only grown in the last few hours. I'm sure the lack of proper sleep, and my sore muscles from the lengthy ride yesterday, wasn't helping. I could hear the rain outside again, and knew it would be a long, very damp day.

" **I don't think I would call it good. But it is certainly morning."**

He chuckled at the exasperated tone of my voice, and I tried not to glare at him over my book. I didn't trust myself not to drool over his exposed body the second I looked up. I had to really focus as I heard him shift out from under the blankets and put his bare feet on the floor. My eyes were stationary on the word 'battle' and I narrowed my eyes at it, directing my frustration at the text.

" **What are you reading?"**

"Tales of the Destruction of Thedas." I switched to common and tried to sound less irate, the headache pulsing behind my eyes, as I continued to glare at the word, irritated at my own attraction to him. _This shouldn't be an issue. You have no chance with him!_

" **Ah. That must be why you are glaring so fiercely at it."** I could hear the smile in his voice and I couldn't help my eyes darting up to his face to catch it. He was watching me closely. " **I always found Genetivi's interpretation of history to be uninspired and rather biased by his beliefs."**

I glanced back down at the book and ignored him, as I continued to pretend to read. My headache was pulsing steadily, like needles had been shoved in my skull and every heartbeat caused them to shift. I closed my eyes and the book with a snap, and massaged my forehead gently to try to drive away the pressure there. It didn't seem to be working. _Not that I'm getting much reading done anyway._

" **Are you alright?"** I looked at him between my fingers and saw that his eyes were narrowed, either in concern or irritation. I honestly couldn't tell which, though his question implied concern, but didn't necessarily eliminate irritation as a possibility. I had, after all, startled him awake in the middle of the night, left the tent, come back shortly after, and now was acting like I was angry at the world. _No wonder_. I sighed heavily and dropped my hand. _I need to get out of here again._

" **I'm fine, Solas. I just… I didn't sleep well."** I scooched to the edge of the cot and started packing my bag with my now dry clothes from yesterday. I shoved the book in on top of them.

I saw him continue to watch me, and then nod out of the corner of my eye. He began dressing and packing up as well. I stood and pulled on my armor. The metal was cold, and I shivered slightly as I felt it even through my clothes. I ran my fingers through my tangled hair until it was manageable, and then tied it up into a tight bun. I pulled my hood up to cover my head, and as a good way to hide most of my face.

When I was ready, I opened the flap of the tent and walked out into the rain. I couldn't see Sean or Dorian up and about yet, so I headed over to the fire that was softly hissing at the moisture around it, with a covered pot simmering over it. Inevitably, if I lifted the lid there would be some kind of Ferelden excuse for oatmeal in there. I sat on the damp log that was occupied on the other end by one of the soldiers, eating some of the breakfast. He nodded politely at me in greeting. I glanced at him and saw some of it dripping off the spoon back into the bowl as he shoveled it into his mouth. I grimaced at the sight and thought of eating and decided, with my headache, I couldn't stomach that this morning.

Not too long after me, Solas exited our tent and dropped down across from me at the fire. I was a little happy with his distance. I obviously couldn't trust myself to be rational, and I knew I had no chance with him. Better to never let those feelings develop than to have them be crushed later. _And besides, even if I did manage to attract his attention, he would just leave at the end anyway._

I couldn't help the sadness that washed over my features at that thought, and tugged my hood a little lower. _What will I do when this is all over and I'm just a supposed ancient elf without a home?_ _I guess I'll figure that out when I get there._ I closed my eyes again.

" **Are you sure you're alright? You look like you're in pain."** I blinked quickly and dropped my hand. I had absentmindedly gone back to rubbing my temple. He was studying me closely. I wiped my expression and managed to throw him a small smile.

" **Yes. I'm alright. Thank you."**

He stared at me for a moment longer, obviously not quite believing me. He opened his mouth to speak again, but luckily I was saved by Sean emerging loudly from his tent. I couldn't help but flinch slightly at his volume and exuberance.

"Morning! Everyone sleep well?" He smiled at me, his hair already dripping with the rain. He looked happy. _I wonder it that has to do with sleeping arrangements last night._ I smirked.

"Well enough. You?" Sean blushed a little at my smirk, rubbed his hair awkwardly and looked at the fire. He sat down between Solas and I.

"Yes, I slept well." I smiled fully at that. I still was just starting my friendship with Sean, but it made me happy to see him happy. He glanced at me again and saw my knowing smile and his blush darkened. He quickly turned his attention to Solas.

"What about you, Solas? Did you have some grand adventure in the Fade last night?" He smirked but Solas gave a small smile.

"I did meet up with a spirit friend of mine. Though my sleep was interrupted a few times last night." He looked pointedly at me and I ignored him, pretending to be occupied with my nails.

"I don't think I'll ever hear you speak of the Fade or your spirit friends and think 'Yeah, this is normal.'" Sean shook his head with bewilderment, but still had his silly smile on his face. I saw Solas purse his lips slightly in annoyance, but he didn't say anything about it.

Sean stood up suddenly, and grabbed some bowls from beside the fire.

"You guys want some breakfast?" Sean scooped the mush from the pot and it dropped heavily into the bowl when he turned the spoon over it. Just watching it, and thinking about that hitting my stomach made me go pale. Sean held out the bowl to me first, but I shook my head. Sean shrugged, and moved to hand the bowl to Solas, who accepted it with a polite nod, and then Sean served himself a bowl.

As he sat down again, Dorian came out of the tent, looked at the dark sky and cursed in Tevene. He wandered over to join us, took one look at the oatmeal and grimaced.

"This is awful. This weather is miserable, and we have nothing but terrible food. I don't know how I will survive." He sighed dramatically and sat beside me on the log, and I smiled at his antics. He looked at me directly.

"Not enchanted by the food either, I see." I quirked an eyebrow at him, but said nothing. He sighed again but smiled at me, and I noticed him glancing at Sean out of the corner of his eye, his gaze lingering. I smirked again, but Dorian didn't notice.

They chatted for a bit about breakfasts that would be better than this one, before Dorian complained loudly that they were making him hungry and it was just cruel. Sean just laughed at him. I drank some water but didn't eat anything, or contribute much to the conversation. I still felt needles shifting behind my eyes.

"So, we are going into Crestwood Village. It's just over the hill that direction, maybe a mile or two. Harding says they are having problems with undead attacking. We will need to help with that."

Dorian spoke up.

"Undead. That's a wonderful addition to my day. You brought me just for this didn't you?" His tone was accusing and his eyes glared, but they had a playful glint that showed he was teasing.

"I figured as a necromancer you would be overjoyed. Besides I would have missed your constant complaints and insults." I laughed quietly at their disparaging teasing and flirting. Sean winked at me in camaraderie. Dorian rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Right, because being a necromancer means I enjoy all things that are both dead and walking around."

Sean laughed loudly at him and Dorian smiled.

"Well, after that we need to deal with the rift in the area, which is in the lake of all places. That's where they think the undead are coming from. We'll have to figure out a way to get to it."

"That's different." Dorian pondered and Solas interjected.

"There will most likely be more demons closer to the rift. The veil is thin in this area from the blight. Add the effects of the rift pulling spirits through, and they are attaching themselves to the corpses they find nearby."

"Oh, I'm overjoyed to have been dragged to this Maker-forsaken place." Dorian griped sarcastically.

My headache was throbbing, but it wasn't getting any worse, for now. I could still manage, even with the distraction. _Just pay attention. Don't lose focus._

We stood and gathered our things to leave. We would be on foot through Crestwood, leaving our mounts behind in the soldiers' care. I almost considered going to say goodbye to Da'asha but decided against it. _It's not like she would notice._

As we followed Sean to the path that led toward the village, I saw Nara, the requisitions officer, run up just before we left the camp.

"Inquisitor! Have something for you!" She was panting a little from her haste to get to us, but otherwise smiling. Sean turned and smiled back at her.

"Yes. What is it?" Nara stared dumbly at him for a moment before she managed to gather her thoughts.

"We have some caravan requisitions. We need plaideweave and iron. If you find some… while you're out." I smiled a little when her confidence sputtered out. Sean didn't notice her discomfort, and just smiled at her politely, taking the requisition form and tucking it into his pack as he turned away.

I gave Nara a nod as I passed, and she smiled and waved cheerily. We began our journey away from the camp and as we rounded the corner, we got the first real view of the lake and the angry green rift bubbling just below the surface. My headache spiked and I flinched, closing my eyes against the ache. _This is going to suck._

"Well," Dorian said, "what's the plan to get to that? Hmmm? Other than wading in fully armored?"

Sean ruffled his hand through his hair, a habit of his, as he sighed.

"We'll figure something out." He muttered.

We continued on, Sean leading, and the rest of us falling into step behind him. There wasn't much conversation, as we were all keeping our faces downcast against the steady rain. I couldn't help but think about the events that would play out here. I knew we were heading to the village, where we would learn about how to drain the lake and get to the rift. The secrets that lie in Old Crestwood would soon be uncovered.

I knew that the Mayor was the one responsible for the deaths of all those people. He would say that they were blighted, but it was still mass murder of innocence. A terrible desperate act that may have saved others, but at what cost? I knew he would run as soon as we drained the water.

 _I could tell them… No. That would never work without an explanation. Besides, I know we catch him in the end._

It still didn't sit right with me, to not say anything. There were many things I could prevent, people I could save, if I spoke up about what I knew. But I had no doubt that I would have to leave if they knew I had been lying this whole time. That I was just someone lost from another dimension or something. I would no longer be trustworthy. I would be a threat. I might even be imprisoned or executed. I didn't really think it would come to that, but who knows? _Besides, what if the fore-knowledge of the events and actions of the game causes those events to change as we live them? The butterfly effect. Just me being here could already change the outcome of the whole story, which means my information would be less than useless. No, I can't tell them anything._

I winced again as my headache tried to crack my skull with pressure, though I managed to stop my hand from coming up to pinch the bridge of my nose and massage away some of the tension. Solas was walking beside me, and I could tell he was watching me out of the corner of his eye. I turned my face away, hiding more in the shadow of my hood, hoping he would just let it go. I won't complain about a headache when it was my own fault for messing with the Fade in my dreams. Luckily, he didn't say anything.

We rushed around a bend in the road at the sound of fighting, and I recognized the encounter ahead of us. A woman was crouching on the ground behind two grey wardens who were fighting off a few undead. Sean ran forward quickly to engage them while Solas and Dorian immediately began firing spells.

I didn't draw my blades as I saw the creatures fall quickly under the new barrage of damage from both sides. Sheathing his sword, Sean approached the Wardens.

"The Grey Wardens thank you for your aid, Inquisitor." The man nodded his head in an almost bow, showing respect.

I tuned out the rest of their conversation as I walked forward and crouched beside one of the corpses. I had to cover my nose as the smell made my stomach churn. If I had eaten breakfast I'm sure it would have come up at the sight before me. It wasn't like in the game. _I should have expected this._

The body before me had obviously been a man, for it still held the general shape. The clothes that remained were torn and barely recognizable as such. His flesh hung on his skeletal form, peeling and oozing. Like a horrific zombie movie there were bits of him missing, and organs and bones could be seen through the gore. I made myself look though. He had been killed by Solas' ice magic; a sharp spike of it piercing his eye to his brain. I reached out tentatively, and almost touched his face to close his wide eyes, but the magic that had bound the spirit to his body was dissipating quickly and his flesh was burning away with the residual magic. I pulled my hand back and watched as he crumbled into ash. _I wish you had been given a kinder fate, my friend._

I sighed, straightened from the ground and turned back to the conversation at hand. As I turned, I noticed Solas watching me again. I almost rolled my eyes. _Stop it, Dread Wolf. I'm fine._

"If the Inquisition can help, I beg you to do what you can. The villagers have already lost too many."

Sean nodded at them and bid them farewell. I watched as they walk past me. _Would these men be blood sacrifices to the Warden's misguided rituals?_ I shook my head. There was nothing I could do about it either way. But I hoped that they would be some of the few who survived the Warden's mistake.

Another spasm in my head and I squeezed my eyes shut. _Ugh. I would kill for an aspirin._

I was distracted and unfocused as we walked, simply following the feet in front of me and not really paying attention to my surroundings, until Sean went into the house of the woman who had been saved on the road. I remembered her name was Jana, an elf who wanted to join the Grey Wardens. I stopped just outside the door. Even with the rain, I didn't really want to go inside a cramped space at the moment, besides I could always use a moment alone. I leaned against the wall outside the door to wait, trying to breathe in the fresh air slowly and relax.

I rolled my neck around, massaging the muscles I knew were tensing up. Having a degree in physical therapy was a wonderful benefit to my own body sometimes. I tried a couple things to relieve the tension but my headache only lessened slightly. I scowled at the hills.

After a short time, Sean walked out of the house and pointed Jana in the direction of the Inquisition camp. _Ah, so we have a new agent._

We began walking again and I fell into step behind the others. After seeing the fight on the road I had a concern. _Am I going to be able to kill if needed?_

I grit my teeth as I considered it. I knew eventually we would be fighting bandits here. I knew they would attack me without thought, so I would have to fight in self defense, but still. I had never killed anyone, of course. And now I was going in, pretending to be some hardened warrior. _Oh God, I hope I don't throw up._

I would just have to be careful. Go into a fight like it was completely normal and if I couldn't bring myself to do it maybe just work on getting their health down and letting someone else finish them off. _Right like that's much better than just killing them yourself._

I shook my head. I would have to just hope I was able to handle a fight.

It wasn't long until we could see the village. The undead were swarming the gates, and the poorly armed villagers were fighting for their lives. I drew my knives and followed Sean into the fray. The undead were easy. While I could see the echos of humanity in their faces, the horror of their decaying bodies and lack of coordinated function left me without guilt or hesitation.

Sean cleaved enemies with heavy swings, as I darted around the small battlefield, striking and dodging. It was interesting to fight with fire and ice arcing in beautiful ribbons around me. When Solas cast barriers on us, I shivered at the cool sensation of it on my skin. I didn't need it, I could dodge much faster attacks than these undead were capable of, but it was nice to know it was there. We were already an efficient team. It was a very quick fight.

I watched the undead fall apart without their magic, and felt sorrow and anger for their deaths. I knew these were the villagers from Old Crestwood. _How can someone justify this much death? I suppose war makes killers out of everyone._

Sean marched into the village and began poking around. He introduced himself to villagers who would speak with him, asked where we could find the Mayor, and then subtly directed the conversation to their needs. Most of the people here just needed various things that all led to the same solution; an end to the attacks. Some had more specific things, like the man who wanted us to check on someone named Judith out in the hills.

I remained back from each conversation, or planted myself outside the door at each house Sean entered. I had an excuse if anyone asked me; I was watching our backs. But in truth I was still fighting my growing headache, and being outside and at least somewhat alone was helping me relax, even a little. So I ignored everyone and just followed when we moved.

Eventually we made it to the largest house in the village. It was where every villager had directed us to meet the Mayor. There was also a helpful sign above the door that said 'Mayor's house.' Sean knocked politely and I automatically leaned against the building, where I would wait. The door opened and there he was, the one who killed everyone attacking the village. I couldn't help but glare at him.

"The Inquisitor! Mayor Dedrick of Crestwood Village. At your service, despite everything. Please come in."

The party filed in behind him, Solas going in last as he glanced my way. I ignored him. The door shut behind him and I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the house. I tuned out the voices I could hear through the walls of the house and just listened to the rain. The white noise was comforting.

A while later they left the house, having retrieved the information we needed, and we headed out of the village toward the fort. _Here we go._

* * *

 _I can do this._

Crouched on either side of the main gate, we prepared for our assault. I watched, as across the path Solas had his hand stretched forward toward the gate. Flickering blue flowed around his fingers in a beautiful dance and he directed it with skill towards the towering wooden doors of the keep. We watched the ice spread in glittering patterns, weakening the timbers as it became brittle.

I felt the cold radiating from the wood from where I sat crouched by Dorian. When I exhaled my breath came out foggy like in the depths of winter. I smiled, thinking about winter back home. I closed my eyes, briefly reminiscing. Even the memories that had once been frustrating were nostalgic to reflect upon now.

 _The sound of my boots crunching in the snow. Coming inside a warm house, and finally removing the heavy jacket. Scraping the ice off my windshield. A warm cup of coffee._

My thoughts were cut short though as my headache spiked again, worse than before. I flinched and instinctively grabbed my head. Dorian gave me a sharp questioning look, but I shook my head and lowered my hand, schooling my features. He, thankfully, shrugged and looked back to the door.

Sean glanced at us from behind Solas and nodded. We were almost ready. Solas dropped his hand and glanced over his shoulder to Sean, giving a single nod of his head. We all tensed, hands tightening on our weapons. Sean moved quietly around Solas and prepared himself.

He stood up and swung his huge sword with all his strength into the gate. The wood groaned and rattled, buckling slightly. It took a second large swing to bring them down.

Unfortunately it didn't happen like it did in the game, where the door shattered into a thousand little pieces, leaving the path oh so clear. Instead, the gate cracked and slid, breaking off its hinges and tilting at a very odd angle.

Sean ducked under the gap left open and sprinted into the keep. I sprang up quickly, and followed him, ducking under the door as well. Sean was engaging a few men on the ground. I glanced around quickly. I could help him with them, but he seemed to be handling himself well. I was more concerned about the additional bandits who were now running down the steps towards us, and the archers on the wall, already drawing their bows.

Thinking quickly, I left the archers to the mages, and took off to the bottom of the stairs. I knew what this fight would take, and I wouldn't let down my companions. I reached the stairs, just as I felt a barrier slide over my skin. I looked at the first man, his sword drawn and shield up, and I stepped out of my brain. I let my body and instincts take over.

It was rather like an out of body experience. I watched as I moved with quick grace. I dodged his swift swing and struck at him. He blocked with the edge of his shield and pushed away to throw me off balance, but I used the momentum to roll backwards. He stumbled forward at my unexpected absence and I sliced his leg where his armor had a gap. He stumbled again, cursing loudly and I was up on my feet before I knew it.

Time seemed to slow then, I noticed everything around me. I watched my arm arc up and slice across the bandit's now unguarded throat, his blood spraying across my chest. The next man had began to charge with a large two handed blade, and I slipped under his slow moving strike to come up behind him, and thrust my blade through his ribs to his heart.

A trail of dead men laid bloody at my feet before I moved on. I watched them fall as if by another's hands in a strange world where time moved slowly enough that I could see their life drain from their eyes. It felt like an eternity.

And all the sudden it stopped.

I gasped as I came back to myself, suddenly in conscious control of my body again. Looking down I felt like I would vomit. But not for the reason I thought. I had come into this fight, fully expecting to be unable to kill, morally torn at ending a life. But when I had stepped back, without thinking, I had killed easily and without thought.

I breathed deeply, trying not to gasp, not wanting to reveal my distress to Sean who was standing near me, or to Solas and Dorian who were approaching. I closed my eyes and my headache flared again, as if to remind me it was still there. A wave of nausea crashed over me and I turned away to hide my sickened expression.

"Well. Now that that's taken care of, let's get this set up. I want to set up an outpost here. If the dam is the cause of all this trouble, I don't want to leave it to be found by just anyone."

I turned back as Sean spoke, my face under my control once more. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, smearing blood around. He grimaced at his hand and dug out a cloth from his bag, wiping the blood from it. He looked up at me and his eyes widened a little. I hadn't been paying too much attention, focused on my expression not showing any pain. He laughed a little nervously.

"Shae. You look positively terrifying, dripping with blood like that. Here, maybe clean yourself up a bit before the troops get here. They will say you are possessed."

I tried to smile but it came out a grimace so I just accepted the cloth and wiped at my face, neck, hands, and armor. I really needed to jump in the lake fully clothed and just wash everything off at once. But I didn't want to think about what would happen in a lake full of undead.

I closed my eyes for a moment and just fought the ache in my head. _Damn it, go away._

I heard Sean speaking but let my mind fuzz over his words. Dorian and Solas' voices both joined his in turn, but I was too far lost in my own pain to listen. I let the waves of pain wash over me, trying to relax and calm my mind. _I wonder if this is how a rock feels when the ocean beats against it._ I inhaled and exhaled slowly, controlling my breath, trying to relax. _What I really need is a dark, quiet room._

"Shae…"

The spikes of pain were unpredictable, and it made my stomach churn. Stabbing behind my eyes and gnawing through my whole head like a parasite. I couldn't help but squeeze my eyes a little at the pressure. I needed to get away from everyone for a bit. Everything was so loud. While voices were fuzzy and distant, the rain and wind created a constant irritation in my ears.

"Shae?"

My thoughts were shattered as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see Sean in front of me, a bemused but concerned look on his face.

"Hey. Where did you go?" He smiled softly at me, watching my face closely. I shook my head.

"Nowhere."

Even I had to admit my voice sounded rough, like I hadn't talked in a while, which I guess I hadn't. Now that I think about it, I said maybe five sentences all day. I cleared my throat gently. _The last thing I need is them fretting over me and asking questions._

"Ok. I'm going to go raise the Inquisition's flag. Best part of the day." He grinned and turned to the others, still keeping his hand on my shoulder, grounding me. "And I'm going to send a bird to Harding. We should be able to get enough troops in here by the end of the day to hold the keep. Then we can rest and handle the rift tomorrow."

He nodded to the two men and wandered back to where the flag would be. I looked around. We were on the high ramparts. I hadn't even noticed moving through the keep as I watched my hands deliver death to so many bandits. I shuddered.

I turned and walked the opposite direction. I couldn't keep up the pretense much longer. I needed a quiet dark space to be alone. I ignored Solas and Dorian as I turned and walked away. I wasn't even sure if they said anything, or just watched me go. I wandered into the keep, knowing Sean would have checked the rooms for enemies when we were running through.

I came to some stairs and at the top I opened the door and saw an old library. There were several windows, but none of the torches were lit, so it was pretty dark. Empty bird cages were piled in the corner, and books were scattered across the floor. Dust settled over everything. Obviously this room had not been used much.

I closed the door behind me and meandered back to a dark spot between some bookshelves, away from the light of the windows and sank down against the wall. I curled in on myself, ignoring the water and blood that dripped to the floor. With great effort, I unhooked my pack from my arms and dragged it out from behind me, fully settling against the stone.

I rummaged around in my bag until I found my shirt from yesterday. I carefully folded it and pressed it tightly over my eyes, blocking out all light. I leaned over and dropped my head against the bookshelf beside me, and just let the pain overwhelm me.


	8. Chapter 8

Just a note: Bold is elven, italics are internal thought. And thank you to my reviewers! Its very helpful to hear what people think! :)

* * *

 _Oh my God, my skull is cracking open._

My hands clutched at my head, trying to hold it together, gripping my hair painfully but beyond my notice. I was barely aware that I had slid down to lay on the floor in a fetal position. I curled in on myself so tightly, my legs were numb. But it was the only way to hold myself together.

I breathed heavily through my mouth, my face pressed against the cold and dirty stone floor. The chill kept my queasy stomach from heaving. I still had my shirt bundled up and pressed hard against my eyes to fight off any light.

I don't know how long I laid there. Time passed in pulses rather than minutes. It felt like an eternity. I was alone in my world of pain and I forgot all else.

The unending focus was broken when I felt pressure on my shoulder.

 _What is that?_

It took me a few moments to understand that it was a hand. I almost heard an echo of speech through the buzz in my ears. Panic flashed like a spark in my mind.

Without thinking, I lunged up, flicking my blade from its sheath with ease, and raising it to strike. A strong hand clasped hard around my wrist and stopped its movements just short of where I knew the person's throat would be.

The shirt had slid slightly from my eyes, and I blinked in the blaring light of the room. It took me a moment to comprehend my surroundings again, but then my mind caught up.

My fingers loosened and the blade dropped from my hand, echoing way too loudly on the stone floor. I groaned and turned my face back into the shirt which was now crumpled on the ground.

Through the blinding light in the room I had seen Solas, grasping my wrist to prevent me from killing him. From what I had gathered from his face, he was concerned and a little shocked from my attack.

 **"This is becoming a habit. I suppose I should prepare for attacks every time I have to wake you."**

He chuckled and released my wrist. As soon as it was released I dragged it back to its work of holding my head together. I said nothing in response.

 **"Shae, tell me what is wrong. I can help."**

I couldn't let him see me like this. This was my own fault. He would think I was weak. _And it should pass on its own in time… Right? I had a friend who got migraines. She just needed dark and quiet and possibly lots of drugs…_

 _There isn't much choice if you want to be of any use sometime in the near future._ Sometimes I hate that logical part of my brain.

I slowly pushed myself up off the floor and leaned back against the wall again. Even that much movement had me wincing and gasping for breath. My hands wouldn't stop clutching my head. I also noticed I was shaking. I probably looked awful.

I barely opened my eyes to squint at him. The room was still impossibly bright and I had to close my eyes right away.

 **"Wait a moment."**

I heard him stand and his steps receded away from me. I felt the pull of magic on my skin, buzzing through my headache like the tingling of a numb limb. I could feel the world shift around me to accommodate his command. _I wonder if I am sensing the Fade. Never noticed that before._ I wanted to open my eyes to see what he was doing but the pain wasn't worth it.

I heard his steps again as they approached me. Everything was louder. Echoing like noise in an empty cathedral. They stopped right in front of me and I heard a rustle of fabric as he knelt down.

 **"Shae, open your eyes."**

I couldn't help but squeeze them tighter at the mere thought. _But I trust him._ I rolled my eyes at my own internal voice. _That's about the stupidest thing you could ever do._

Despite my internal debate, I allowed my eyes to crack open, and then relax a little further.

Solas had created some sort of magical covers for the windows. They looked opaque and shimmery, somehow blocking most of the light, leaving just enough. It was blessedly dark now. Dark enough that even with my improved night vision, I could only see the vague outline of his features.

 **"Now. Tell me exactly what is wrong."**

I opened my mouth to try to speak but all I managed was a rasp of air. I cleared my throat, flinching as even that little effort made the ache flair. I tried again, only managing to whisper.

 **"I'll be alright, Solas. I just need time to let this…"**

 **"No."** His voice was scolding, but quiet. **"You are obviously in extreme pain. You are no use to us like this. Stop being so stubborn."**

I looked at him, trying to read his expression in the dark but I couldn't. _Not that I normally have luck reading his expressions._ Reluctantly, knowing I would regret this, I told him.

 **"My head feels like its splitting open."**

My voice sounded weak and pained. Solas held up his hand, reaching forward as though to put his fingers at my temple and I couldn't help but flinch away. He paused, watching me and I nodded, giving him silent permission. His cool fingers pressed against my skin and healing magic flooded into my head.

It was a very strange feeling, like ice settling over the pain, numbing it, soothing it. I felt the magic prodding around gently, trying to find the source of the pain.

 **"How long?"** He whispered as he continued his examination.

Now that the pain was at least suppressed I could focus more.

 **"Since I woke up this morning. It's been getting worse all day..."**

He seemed to notice a hesitation in my answer and even in the dark I could see his eyebrows draw together in a severe look. I sighed.

 **"I think it may have had to do with my... interactions in the Fade."**

Solas nodded, looking curious, but didn't ask. It was common enough for mages to have lucid dreams. The connection to the Fade making it easier to influence. But he was polite enough to not pry into my dreams.

 **"Has this happened before?"**

 **"Not that I'm aware of. Not since I fell out of the Rift anyway."**

My tone came out exasperated and I closed my eyes again. I was frustrated with this web of intricate lies I had built around myself. With my pounding headache it was very quickly becoming not worth the effort to think about what I had to say to keep up my secrets.

 _I should really just leave and try to make some new life for myself, away from everyone._ Even thinking about that gave me anxiety. I barely knew anything about this world.

 **"What is it?"**

 **"I am... frustrated. I don't know how I got here, or why. I have an idea of who I am, but have very few memories to support it. I know my name. I know how to fight. I know that I trained others before. But why? How did I learn to fight like this? Why was I in the Fade? Why am I not dead? What am I doing here?"**

I was ranting and I had to stop myself before I said something that would betray me. I shook my head a little, unable to move much as he was still touching me. We sat in silence for a moment after my rant. He seemed to be contemplating my words, like always.

 **"How did you know who I was?"**

I considered what I could tell him. _Another lie._

 **"Some things just come to me. It almost feels like a memory, like seeing someone you recognize, but you can't remember where you met them. I saw you and just knew you as the Dread Wolf."**

 **"Is that why you ran when you first woke up?"**

I hesitated again. _Crap. Apparently I'm chatty when healing magic is invading my brain._

 **"Not entirely. I panicked. I was very disoriented and couldn't think straight. Nothing felt right. The world was wrong. The only thought I had was to get out of there."** I barely chuckled. **"That ended up being a bad idea as I suddenly found myself surrounded by humans and then was tackled by a grey, horned monster. It took a while for me to become calm enough to think coherently again."**

Solas laughed quietly at my description of Iron Bull, and nodded.

 **"I was surprised when you decided to stay with the Inquisition."**

 **"I had the same thought about you. Though I suspect it has much to do with the mark."**

He gave me a sharp look at that. I shrugged, trying to convey that I wouldn't push. I didn't want him to try to eliminate me simply for having too much knowledge.

We were quiet for a moment as I focused on his magic poking around in my skull. _That's a weird thought._

After a few moments, he hummed unhappily but didn't pull back his hands. I raised my eyebrows in a silent question.

 **"This is not a normal headache. I can feel the Fade affecting your mind, like a lingering shadow. I suspect it is actually from the rift in the area. You said it was progressively getting worse? That might be because we have slowly been getting closer to the rift."**

I blinked at him.

 **"And what does that mean?"**

I tried to ask casually, but this is just what I needed. Another reason to be completely baffled at this world and how I was involved.

 **"It could be a side effect of you having been drawn from a rift. This is the first time you have been near one since we found you."**

He went silent for a moment as we both considered the situation.

 **"So... this is just going to get worse."**

Solas nodded with a sympathetic look.

 **"Most likely. But I will do what I can."**

He closed his eyes and I almost felt his focus turn back to his magic. I felt the muscles in my neck relax, the burning in my eyes disappeared, and some of the pressure was released. I sighed, happy to even have the pain lessened.

Solas gently withdrew his magic from my mind. The ache was still there, but it was less with the tension gone. His fingers gently pulled away from my face and I couldn't stop myself from wincing a little as the cool suppression he had on my pain eased away.

 **"How do you feel?"**

I tried to smile at him and wasn't sure if I was successful.

 **"Better."**

He looked a little skeptical at my casual answer. I ignored him, and leaned my head back against the wall, suddenly exhausted from the magic flowing through my system. He sighed and sat back on his heels.

 **"You need to eat and rest. I will help you get to your tent. The troops have already arrived and set up camp for us."**

He made to stand up, but stopped when I shook my head.

 **"I am fine here, Solas. Besides, if you will leave that spell blocking the light then this is probably the darkest place I could find."**

Solas just stared at me for a moment, his face once again looking somewhere between concerned and annoyed.

 **"Very well. But you need to eat. I will be right back."**

I opened my mouth to stop him, but he gave me a sharp look and I chose to remained silent. He walked out of the room, letting in the fading light of the setting sun when the door opened. I kept my eyes away from it. Anything to avoid the return of the pain sooner than necessary.

I dropped my head back against the wall and considered the state of my stomach. It was true that I should eat. I hadn't touched anything all day. But even as I felt a twinge of hunger, my stomach turned a little at the thought. Hopefully he would bring something simple.

I shouldn't have doubted him.

Solas reappeared about ten minutes later bearing a plate with a steaming bowl of something, probably stew, a small loaf of bread, and a canteen of water. Instead of crouching in front of me, as before, he slid slowly down the wall beside me. He passed the food over to me and I sniffed at the soup. It was broth. _Perfect. I suppose a healer would know what is best to eat when feeling ill._

Solas didn't say anything, or get up to leave as I began to eat. _He probably wants to make sure I actually eat it. Stupid, bossy Dread Wolf._

With the light fare to calm my stomach, I found I was surprisingly hungry. I finished the whole meal, and felt immeasurably better afterwards. Though my head still pounded, it was not nearly as bad as it had been.

I sighed, content, and pushed the dishes to the side where I could remember to take them back out later. Leaning back against the wall, I looked back to Solas. He was looking at the ceiling, seemingly lost in thought. I smiled. _Always thinking._

A wave of exhaustion hit me as my body was finally relaxed with food in my belly. I shifted heavily against the wall and let my eyes drifted shut. _As soon as he leaves I will just curl up on the floor and use my pack as a pillow. It was comfortable enough before. And the chill in the room isn't too bad with his magical curtains. I wonder if I can steal a blanket. No, its not worth going outside. Ugh, I hate being sick. I hope no one else noticed…_

* * *

I woke up to a slight cramp in my neck and I shifted to make myself more comfortable. I froze when the warm thing I was leaning on shifted as well. Staying completely still, almost not breathing, I opened my eyes.

 _I'm leaning on Solas. Oh God._

At some point, I had apparently fallen asleep and leaned against him. It was all rather innocent. Our arms were pressed together as we both leaned back against the wall and my cheek rested against the curve of his shoulder.

Without moving at all, my eyes glanced up to his face. He was asleep, his breathing deep and steady, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned in the corner made by the wall and the bookshelf. _Maybe this happened after he fell asleep? If I move now he may never know. But then why would he stay here? He would have just left me and gone to his tent. If I had leaned on him while he was awake though, he may just be kind enough to stay to let me sleep easily._ I smiled a little at the thought. _So maybe he knows. Damn it. That's so embarrassing._

I felt heat spread on my face, even though my shame was possibly unseen as of yet.

As slowly and silently as I could I began to remove myself from his side. I didn't know how light of a sleeper he was and I was hoping he would remain asleep until at least there was an appropriate distance between us.

I have never moved so slowly in my whole life. Once I was no longer touching him, I moved a little quicker. I stood up silently, and looked back at him. His breathing had never changed, and he had not shifted again.

Exhaling silently, I let out my breath in relief and considered my options from here.

 _I could sneak out. That seems shady though. He helped me, and was kind to me. I don't want to just leave._ I convinced myself it was out of common courtesy, and not out of some misguided infatuation.

The muscles in my neck and back were cramped from the awkward sleeping position on the stones, and my head was still pulsing with each heartbeat. _I could really use a good stretch._

I moved around the bookshelf, away from the little niche I had claimed as my own, and into the more open area of the room. Taking deep breaths and controlling my focus, I began to stretch, moving into a much calmer workout than my normal exercise. I didn't want to overdo it.

With the darkness of the room, I did most of the workout with my eyes shut, knowing the positions and layout of the room.

After a little while, I heard the faintest rustle of fabric and opened my eyes to see Solas leaning slightly against the end bookshelf. I fought a blush as I remembered waking up on him, but I pushed it back. I shifted into a new pose and I chuckled.

 **"You always seem to catch me in the middle of this."**

He smiled back at me.

 **"Do you remember learning this? These exercises?"**

I considered briefly. I had no good story for it, so go with the easy and hopefully not too repetitive lie.

 **"No. I don't. That in itself is strange. To know to do these but not know why."**

 **"Hmmm. Some of your memories are intact while others are missing entirely. That is very strange. You would think it would be either complete memory loss, or a linear progression of time missing. But it seems random."**

My lips turned down in a frown. _I am really playing with fire here. He is way too smart for this kind of deception to work for long. Maybe I really should leave._

I stopped my workout and rolled my neck around on my shoulders, easing the tense muscles.

 **"Feeling any better this morning?"** He asked, quirking up his eyebrow.

 _Well...no, better than before you healed me but it's been steadily getting worse. But I don't think I'll tell you that._

 **"Yes. I'm feeling much better."** _I didn't even flinch that time. Success._

Solas still looked skeptical. He moved forward and raised his hand as if to check me again, but I stepped back, avoiding his touch. I was still embarrassed over sleeping on him and too stubborn and proud to give in so easily again. He rolled his eyes.

 **"I'm really fine, Solas."**

 **"Then you won't mind if I remove this spell."**

He barely moved and I felt, before I saw, the Fade twist around his hand. All the windows were suddenly uncovered, and I flinched away from the bright light, hissing in the pain that flared in my head.

 _Maybe not so much of a success after all._

He gave a long suffering sigh, shaking his head and grabbed my arm. I allowed him to tug me back into the alcove the bookshelf provided, blinking owlishly as I tried to regain my composure.

 **"You are ridiculously stubborn. There is no harm in asking for help."**

I glared at him, but tried to keep my eyes open. If I was going back outside anytime soon I needed my eyes to adjust.

 **"Like you're one to talk."**

I mumbled it, but of course his hearing picked it up easily and he glared back at me. Once again he used his magic to wipe away any physical pain from my headache. It still ached where I was apparently connected to the rift, but he helped.

He dropped his hand from my face and I tried to soften my glare. I knew I was too proud to accept help gracefully. It had long been one of my worst traits. I gave an annoyed sigh.

 **"Thank you, Solas. Now please, stop treating me like I'm helpless."**

My tone was a little sharp, but I managed to soften it with a small smile, which he returned.

 **"Well, I'll stop treating you like this when I am confident you will take care of yourself."**

I groaned and rolled my eyes.

 **"You didn't have to stay."**

I saw a mischievous glint in his eyes and his tone turned teasing. My own eyes narrowed at him in suspicion.

 **"I didn't want to wake you."**

I scoffed. _Like the Dread Wolf couldn't sneak out of a room without making a sound. I'm so sure._

 **"I'm sure you could have snuck out without waking me, Solas."**

He grinned at me, and raised his eyebrows high.

 **"Not with you sleeping on my shoulder."**

I froze for a moment. _He knows. Oh God._ And then I felt a blush spreading across my cheeks and up my ears. _Stupid, stupid physical reactions._ I crossed my arms, irritated and grumbled unintelligibly. He laughed at me, and backed away, hands raised in surrender.

 **"We'll probably be leaving soon, Shae. You'll want to prepare."**

I shot a glare at him for his laughter and his smug face, but his grin just widened and he slipped out the door.

* * *

Packed and ready, I slipped out of the room I had somewhat claimed, still squinting against the light. My armor was still spattered with blood, now dried, since I didn't have the wherewithal to wipe it down last night. Now it was brown and crusty, flaking away when I shifted. I brushed at it absently as I looked around, noting that the rain would wash it away soon anyway.

The whole fort had changed as I was sequestered away in the dark. Immediately upon walking out, I noticed that the area had been cleared of bodies and a few tarps were strung over the walkways, protecting from the persistent rain.

Walking to the edge of the walkway, I looked down into the courtyard below. There were tents scattered around, a few fire pits where food was being prepared, and soldiers mingling with scouts.

I was impressed with the speed that the troops could move in and claim a place, making it at least liveable. In the game it had been seconds while the screen went dark, but in one night they had made this dilapidated fort an Inquisition outpost.

I turned and walked down the stairs to the middle level, where there seemed to be the most activity. I dropped myself down by one of the fires to wait, my hood once again pulled up against the rain and the light.

There were a few other soldiers sitting around the fire when I joined them across the fire, and the conversation ceased. I stared into the flames, ignoring their stares. I was still a strange enigma to them. The rumors that I was an ancient elf had spread further among the troops. Some looked at me with disbelief and scorn, some with curiosity. The ones that made me nervous were the elves. They looked at me with hope. I solidified my 'Don't approach me, I'm not nice' look and flicked my eyes up at those who continued to stare. They quickly turned to other things and the conversation slowly picked back up around me.

As I watched the flames lick at the wood, I wondered at my lack of dreams while I slept. If I was going to have dreams ever in my life it would be the night after killing people for the first time, or having the worst headache of my life. It was strange that I don't even think I visited the Fade. Just restful sleep. _Maybe it had to do with Solas?_ I bristled at the thought of him anywhere near my dreams, not knowing what he would see. _I hope that never happens._ I looked around again but I didn't see any of my companions wandering about but they were sure to come out before long.

As though answering my thoughts, I could hear Dorian and Sean talking as they approached behind me.

"That's not true!" I could hear Sean's smile as he protested something Dorian said.

"Yes it is! He managed to use a force magic to make the cows fly over the city. No idea why he wanted to, but there you have it. When in Minrathous, as they say. Poor things had no luck with the landing though. Unfortunately it was the last flight of those cows." Dorian said while Sean laughed.

"Have you ever done any magic so ridiculous?"

"Me?" Dorian gasped, offended. "I will have you know that as the Scion of House Pavus, I have never done anything ridiculous in my entire life!"

"Right, I'm so sure." Sean sat down next to me, and slung an arm gently around my shoulder. He gave me a concerned look but didn't say anything. _So Solas told him._ I tensed at the contact but didn't pull away. Dorian sat on my other side.

"He doubts me." He looked at me incredulously. "He doubts _me!_ I do believe that you are the only friend I have left in this world." He sighed dramatically.

I smirked at him, trying to act normal. I didn't want Sean to treat me like I was fragile.

"Unfortunately Dorian, I think I agree with Sean at this point. You are ridiculously handsome, ridiculously talented, and you have a ridiculous flair for the dramatic. How could you not have done one ridiculous thing with your magic in your whole life?"

Dorian laughed heartily.

"Oh my dear! You flatter me! But I will never admit to such an act! You would have to torture me I'm afraid."

He leaned away from us with a flirtatious gaze. Sean snorted in laughter, and stood to serve himself some breakfast. This time Dorian accepted the offered food, but I still declined. The food from last night would be enough to last me for a while with my turbulent stomach.

Solas showed up just after Sean sat down beside me again. He walked over and was about to get his own breakfast when he saw me not eating. He raised an eyebrow at me and I reflected his expression stubbornly. He rolled his eyes and walked away.

 _So bossy, without even saying anything. Ugh._

I covered my face with my hands, gently massaging my forehead, trying to keep the headache that was already growing at bay. Sean and Dorian continued their conversation around me, and I tuned them out. After a moment, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I moved my hands and looked.

Solas was standing behind me with his hand held out, offering me a roll.

"You need to eat something."

I narrowed my eyes at him, but snatched the roll. _Fine. But only because I know you won't drop it._

I picked at the roll while the rest of them ate. I already felt out of focus. It was like looking at the world through a window, everything muffled and distant. _This is already not looking promising._

After eating, we all set out to Old Crestwood. They had drained the lake the night before, while I had been shut in darkness. Sean was still pondering the fact that the controls weren't, in fact, broken, and what that might mean. But for now we were going to close the rift and then get the truth from the mayor. _I wish I could just tell them._

Each step we took closer to the rift felt like a spike being hammered further into my temples. I kept my eyes on Sean's back and just followed him, unable to really observe my surroundings. I knew I would have to be more present if there was a fight. _And let's be honest, there is always a fight._ But I was confident I would be able to push through this pain.

I knew Solas was keeping an eye on me too, based on his glances and remaining by my side. Which was nice and annoying all at once.

Old Crestwood was eerie. Like an old ghost town, but covered in seaweed, barnacles, and algae. I tried not to think about the corpses as my wrapped feet squelched unpleasantly in the mud. My headache made it rather easy to ignore my discomfort of the situation. _Just walk and fight when needed. And breathe._

I could feel the rift now, like a compass needle being pulled north. It was a sharp electric buzz on my skin, pulsing in my heartbeat and driving the pain. An unrelenting rhythm of otherness that tugged against my senses. I unknowingly matched my pace to that rhythm, allowing it to conduct me like a torturous metronome.

I almost ran into Sean's back when he stopped suddenly. I blinked, trying to bring my mind back to the present, and looked around. We were standing in one of the broken down houses, and there was a spirit floating in front of us.

 _Command. I remember this._ My thoughts were not coherent as I fought a new wave of nausea.

I stared at Command in front of me. The game had failed to do the spirits justice. It was a gaseous humanoid, but the color was not a simple red as it was portrayed. It was not really any specific color, more of a feeling. Being in this spirit's presence made you want to submit to its authority, to stand straighter, and a sense of unerring faith in any direction they might give you. It didn't feel threatening, it just was.

I shook my head slightly to try to shake loose the emotions and thoughts that came with proximity to Command. As Solas and Sean began their conversation with it, I backed out of the open side of the house we had entered. _I already have the rift messing with my head, I don't need a spirit in there too._

Once I was outside, the feelings vanished. I had to brace myself against the building as I breathed deeply and tried not to vomit.

After a few moments, Dorian poked his head around the wall, looking for me.

"What are you doing out here my dear? I know it's dreadful in here but we must stay together."

He took a few steps toward me and his expression grew concerned when he really looked at me.

"You look terrible. Are you alright?"

I tried to smile at him, but just grimaced.

"I'm fine. I have already talked to our resident bossy healer about it and he is doing all he can."

Dorian chuckled at my description of Solas, but still looked concerned. He stayed outside with me, hovering at a good distance to help if need be, but still give me some air. I appreciated it very much. I just closed my eyes focused on not gagging.

Not too long after that, Sean and Solas came out of the broken down house as well. Solas walked over to me immediately, a severe look on his face, and put his fingers to my temple. The chill of the healing magic once again relaxed my tense muscles and soothed what physical aches it could.

Leaving his hand there for a moment, he studied my face.

"We should have left you at the fort."

My eyes shot up to his face. I opened my mouth to reply angrily that there was no way I would leave them to take on this rift on their own, but Sean spoke first.

"Is it that bad?"

I almost growled in frustration.

"It's manageable. I can still be useful." I glared sharply at Solas, but he ignored me.

"This is connected to the rift, as I explained before. It will just get worse as we get closer. And I don't know how she will be affected by actually closing the rift. We should take her back."

I wanted to shove Solas out of my personal bubble, but that would mean a lack of his magic. So I crossed my arms and just settled for looking very angry.

"I'm not leaving you three to do this by yourselves! Sean cannot take all melee attacks by himself, and you two are ranged. You need the support. I can handle a little pain."

Solas looked irritated. Sean looked concerned, and Dorian looked like he was watching a tennis match, with his head going back and forth between us.

 **"You really think I could not sway the course of a battle, da'len?"** Solas spoke softly, but firmly, his fingers still pressed against my head.

 **"Your magic is not what it once was."** I kept my tone down, but it had ice behind it. His eyes narrowed at that but in my anger I didn't care. Even with this pain I wouldn't leave them to fight this rift alone. I remember it being a larger one. **"I am a warrior, I am not helpless! Don't treat me like a child."**

 **"And what if we are hindered trying to protect you?"**

I snapped my mouth shut at that. _What if I really can't fight through the pain and I end up useless? Just another body they have to focus on protecting because I can't protect myself?_ I ground my teeth in frustration.

"I think… we should see how it goes. And if it gets too bad, we can always turn back. Would that work?" Sean was looking placatingly between us, trying for a compromise. I sighed and looked at Solas, who was studying me again. His eyebrows were snapped together still in annoyance, but I could see an undertone of worry there. I sighed and nodded, agreeing to go back if it got too bad.

"Very well." Solas nodded.

I felt him start to extract his magic from my head, and I braced myself for the return of the pain. He watched me closely and I knew if I reacted poorly to this he would probably demand that I return. Possibly drag me back himself.

I had to blink against the return of the pain. It helped to have that lingering coolness there to control it. I smiled slightly up at Solas, still standing close to me. He didn't look convinced.

We set off again. I was especially aware of myself now. I had to keep this under control and not show any pain. _I will not be helpless._

After poking around in a few houses, the entire party watching me closely, we found the entrance to the cave. I stared at the door, trying to listen to what they were saying, but able to focus on their words. I was able to keep a straight face, but I had broken out in a cold sweat, and based on how light headed I felt, I would bet that I was as pale as a ghost.

Sean led the way into the cavern, going down the long ladder into the dark room below. Solas followed after, casting a concerned look my way. Dorian ushered me forward next, apparently part of the plan so that if I fell down the ladder, there would be two down there to catch me.

If I hadn't been somewhat convinced that my eyes might explode I would have rolled them. As it was I just blinked slowly and began stepping down the rungs. I was very careful, but since my focus was on my hands and feet, I could feel myself grimacing in pain.

At the bottom of the ladder, I took a moment to compose myself before turning around. I did not meet the gaze of either man who was watching me.

Once Dorian was safely down the ladder, we continued down the path further into the cave.

The electric buzz was making my skin tingle like little sparks were running all over me. I could feel the vibration in my bones, and my muscles twitched with the sensation. Each step further was a nail driven into my eye, a jolt of lightening up my spine, and a crack in my fracturing skull. I clenched my jaw and did my best to ignore it.

The real test came when we ran into a group of corpses where the cave became dwarven ruin. I drew my blades and just did what I had done before. I separated myself. My consciousness took the pain and pulled away from my body, curling into a ball. Once again it was like watching from the outside as my body darted in and out of the rotting undead in the room. Because of my strange, almost third person perspective, I could see that I was moving slower than I would have been, but it was still useful to have a rogue in the mix.

When all the undead were disintegrating around us, I attempted to let my awareness back into myself. How I did this was still a mystery but it certainly was helping now. I uncurled my mind, taking conscious control of my limbs again. Focusing on that control though, made me lose the iron grip I had on my pain for a moment. I felt everything.

I gasped and fell to my knees, gagging from the pain.

Solas was beside me before I could even think, his hand settled on my hair and his magic once again pushing away some of the pain. Even that little bit was like water to someone dying of thirst.

"Shae…"

"No! I can do this Solas!"

I stood up shakily, brushing the mud off my hands and knees. I stood straight, my expression schooled once again. He stared at me, his expression unreadable.

"I can do this." I whispered, only to him. "Please, Solas."

He sighed and gave a little bit larger burst of healing magic before once again pulling from my mind. It lingered a little longer this time. A blessing.

Sean and Dorian, looking concerned but not mentioning it, led the way into the dwarven part of the cavern. Solas walked close beside me, seeming to think he would have to catch me at some point.

I stepped back from myself again when we fought the huge rage demon that Command had demanded be destroyed. When the fight was over though, I couldn't come back. It was like I was a floating ball of pain and thought somewhere slightly behind my own head. My face was slack and pale, but I followed behind the others as they rushed toward the rift.

We stepped into the room, the green hole tearing the fabric of the veil before us. The moment I was close enough to see it, any remaining magic from Solas healing melted away like ice in the sun. I wanted to scream, to run. _Why did I need to be here again? Oh right. Fighting._

Demons appeared out of the rift, rapidly filling the room with deadly enemies. I jumped into action, a silent part of me screaming and delirious with the pain that was now exploding in my head, and the other part acting on instinct with my blades.

I knew I was in rough shape, by the way I was flailing a little. My normal finesse was lost to the lack of control I had in this room. But I still managed to take down my share of the demons. Just not as quickly as normal. It also really helped that Solas had a barrier raised around me the whole time.

Before I knew what was happening, all the demons were gone, shattering back into the Fade. Sean raised his hand, as I had seen him do a million times before in the game, and the mark connected with the veil, arcing lightning to stitch it back together.

As soon as that familiar action began though, I felt like a bomb had gone off in my head. My skull shattered and glaring light flooded my mind completely. The sun was in my head, too bright, too hot. Burning and sizzling. I could hear screaming so loud it hurt my ears, but I didn't know where it was coming from, in my head or out. The pulse was growing further, harder and faster, till I thought my heart would burst like my skull had. And then… nothing.


	9. Chapter 9

Italics are internal thought

Bold is elvhen

All Elvhen is from fenxshiral on tumblr

Thank you to all my commenters!

* * *

 _I stood at the crest of a hill, rising and then rolling down into an expansive plain that spread before Arlathan like velvet. The city's white spires, twisting up into the sky in a beautiful dance, acted as a backdrop to the scene. Behind me, my people stood ready for my word, my direction. I felt the thrill of the upcoming battle in my blood, singing its song of anticipation and trepidation all in one melody. My armor glittered black in the bright sun as I stared across the field to our enemies, our kin, who were armored in white._

 _Stillness filled me as I watched those we had labeled as gods speak in the plain between us. The tensions were rising and we knew that we were past the point of reconciliation. The people were here to fight for them, or against them. I was here to fight for myself, and those behind me._

 _I turned and looked beside me, where he was at my side, like always. Standing tall, his silver hair braided out of the way, and in his shining onyx armor so similar to mine. I smiled at him and he grinned back, like he always does. His overwhelming optimism wiped away any fears I had dancing on the edge of my mind. And he didn't even have to say a word._

 _At the sound of thundering hooves, I turned my attention back to the field. The so-called gods had parted ways, going back to their respective armies. The scowls on their faces as they approached telling me all I needed to know._

 _I turned, facing my people who were all armored in similar black. We stood out clearly in a sea of gold and silver that defined the other troops around us. After all, we had an image to uphold, and we wouldn't bow to the ideas of those who wanted us to match in uniformity. I looked at each face before me. I had trained most of them, worked alongside them for time beyond measure. I smiled at them, and they watched me, never needing a signal to call them to attention._

" _ **Friends! Today we will fight to stop the tyranny of gods. Let us show them that they never owned us!"**_

 _I had always been a woman of few words, but they were undoubtedly effective. My people grinned wickedly and nodded, drawing weapons that were crafted for each individually. We were a feral bunch. I laughed when I saw the golden elves near us flinch away. They had every right to be nervous. I remembered their looks of incredulity when we had approached the army and offered our aid in the battle. They had been thrilled to have our skills in delivering death, but they still tried to keep their safe distance._

 _I drew my own blades, glimmering onyx like my armor, and cast another smile before turning. The sound of a horn blast caused a surge of motion. As one unit, the whole army ran forward, closing the gap that spread between us and our foe. I did not relish this fight against kin. But it was needed, for all of us._

 _Great explosions of color and pressure burst in the sky. The great mages already trying to cast spells that could eliminate the entire opposing army if allowed. But each side had magic, and for now it would be a flashing battle of dominance above us, as we acted out our own battle for control below._

 _The two sides collided in a surge of sudden blood and death. Each warrior fought with the grace and speed that we had been taught. No strike was wasted. My black cloud moved through the unnamed and cut them down, staining white with dark red._

 _I yanked my blade from the neck of a woman in front of me, pausing for a moment to observe her beauty in death. Red on white. I looked around me, taking in the fighting, and the noise. The explosions were still going on above us. I counted the black around me and saw that none of mine had fallen._

 _And, of course, he was still beside me, swinging his giant blade as he cut through our foes with ease. I smiled and rejoined the fray. After what felt like hours of fighting, the battle changed._

" _ **Lethanavir!"**_

 _I heard him shout my name, the normal soothing sound of his voice tainted with panic. I whirled around to find him again, afraid for him. Instead, I saw her, a snarl silent on her lips, as she released the string of her great bow, her magic driving the arrow faster than imaginable. I would not have time to dodge it completely. I could only move to prevent a fatal shot._

 _The arrow flew through the air and pierced my chest, slicing through my armor like it wasn't there. I had managed to move enough, so it pierced just below my collarbone. I gasped with the sudden pain but managed to stay upright. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of bringing me down in one shot. He was running at her, to throw her off her hunt. He should have known better._

 _Another arrow slipped through her fingers faster than we could see it. Once again I moved to thwart her perfect aim. This time the arrow settled right between my breasts. I could feel poison on the bolts, seeping into my blood that was now spilling out over my chest. I coughed and the blood spilled out of my mouth._

 _I sank to my knees, unable to stand as the poison was already tingling in my limbs. My breath came in bubbling rasps that rattled and ached._

 _I could hear her laughing at him. He was trying to fight her off, to drive her away from me. But knowing her, she would not relent until I was dead._

" _ **I will kill you, Lethanavir! For daring to betray me!"**_

 _My people tightened in a ring of black armor around me, protecting me. Some of them rushed to his side to help him, and she eventually retreated in the onslaught, for a time. But she would be back._

 _He ran back and crouched beside me, already pushing healing magic into my chest, his eyes frantically searching mine._

" _ **Lethanavir. You cannot die, Ma'vhenan. I won't allow it."**_

 _I smiled at him, trying not to cough up more blood. All I could do was whisper._

" _ **You may have no say in the matter, Nellas."**_

 _He winced at the use of his real name, instead of his title. I touched his cheek gently with bloody fingers, and he leaned into my touch._

" _ **Get her out,**_ _ **Banal'ras'iroth**_ _ **."**_

 _We both looked up at the words. Asha'ladin spoke over her shoulder as she constantly fired her arrows at enemies. I growled at her, struggling to stay conscious as my extremities became dead weight from blood loss and poison._

" _ **We will not abandon you here."**_ _I growled with as much effort as I could._

 _The others were agreeing with her though, ignoring my statement. Asha'ladin looked at Nellas, pausing in her firing._

" _ **Save her."**_

 _That was all the encouragement he needed. He gave the men and women circling us a warm look of gratitude, and then he gathered me gently in his arms, still trying to heal around the deadly poison. He began running back to where the eluvian was placed, our people swarming around us, making sure no one could reach us, especially not her._

 _Nellas stepped through the eluvian just as my consciousness began to slip away._

" _ **I won't let you die, Ma'vhenan."**_

* * *

Heavy pressure, like the world pressing down on me. My limbs were tingling with numbness and my lungs ached for air. Blind panic filled me. _Can't breathe!_

I flung my arms out, surprised when they moved so easily and when the pressure and heat came away from me without a fight. I scrambled up off the ground, the panic clutching at my chest, making me gasp for air. My instinct was to run, as far and as fast as I could. To get away from the death behind me. I started to let that instinct carry me. _Get out! Run!_

I only made it a few feet before I had to stop as I became violently sick to my stomach. I sank to my hands and knees, as I heaved what little I had eaten onto the ground. When I was done, I sat back on my heels, trembling with my arms wrapped around myself, unable to force my body to move again for the moment. Which gave me some time to actually think.

 _What the hell!? That was a… what? A dream? A vision? A… memory?_ I shuddered and tightened my arms, holding myself together, trying to control my panic. It certainly felt like a memory. It was too clear for a dream, the pain was too real.

I harshly rubbed at my mail where scars hid beneath, painful like they were echoing the vision I had seen. _Lethanavir._

Steps quickly approached behind me, and I flinched. I held my hand up, palm facing back to them, and they stopped.

" **I just need a moment."** I managed to gasp out.

"Uh…" Sean spoke uncertainly behind me. I glanced over my shoulder at him and saw he was only a few steps from me. Solas was approaching from our camp, holding a vial of what looked like a health potion. He had clearly been occupied when I had made my mad dash from the bedroll.

"She said she just needs a moment." Solas clarified for me.

 _Oh. I spoke Elvhen again?_

I sighed heavily, almost collapsing to the ground in the sudden exhaustion that overwhelmed me. I was shaking violently, like I was freezing cold. But, if anything, I was warm. Too warm. My body was not acting logically. _Its shock._ My mind supplied the answer for me. _Oh, thanks that's so helpful._

I almost laughed at myself for sassing my own thoughts. It came out as a sharp exhale and I grit my teeth hard. I was teetering on the brink of hysteria. If I laughed now I would most definitely be sobbing about two seconds later.

Shoving against the ground, I pushed myself into a standing position, unsteady but determined. I turned and saw Sean looking so worried he might lunge forward to hug me or something. I grimaced at the thought and held up my hand again to make sure he didn't. _I absolutely do not want anyone touching me right now._

Solas also looked concerned but he had stayed back. Dorian was still by the campfire, though he was closely watching my display with curiosity. I burned with shame. _I'm causing a scene again! Can't I just be freaking normal for once!_

"I'm fine. I just need a little space."

Sean looked very unconvinced and he took a step forward. I couldn't help but flinch away from him, which did nothing to support my argument.

"Right. Because you're _not_ standing there shaking like a leaf, so pale you might pass out, and looking like you've seen a demon?"

I made a valiant effort to smile at his concerned joke. I felt the corners of my mouth rise, but my lip trembled too. _I am so pathetic._

"Just give me a little time. I'll let you both fuss over me in a minute."

Sean smiled at that but it didn't reach his eyes. Without waiting for further permission, I turned and walked away from them. I didn't go too far. Still well within view of the campfire, but far enough that I had a modicum of privacy and quiet.

I sank down to the grass and leaned heavily against the rock behind me. I pulled my knees up tight and wrapped my arms around them, pressing my face against them.

As soon as my face was hidden, I felt tears spill over. I wrestled with my overwhelming emotions. _I will not sob in front of Solas again, much less in front of Sean and Dorian._

It was a hard fight as I sat there trembling, trying to control my breath. But I slowly won out. My focus slowly returned, the shaking lessened, my tears dried up, and my breathing was back under control.

I scrubbed my face with my hands to clear any wetness there. I knew my eyes would be puffy and red, but there wasn't much I could do about that.

Now that I had myself under control, I looked around. It was dusk, it had stopped raining finally, and the guys had set up a small campsite for the night. We were right at the entrance to the cave that I knew was the exit to the dwarven ruins the rift had been in.

 _If I recall correctly there was a smaller rift here when you exit the cave. At least that's how it had been in the game._ My eyes scanned the ground where I guessed it to be and I saw the tell-tale scorch marks and demon ichor.

I looked back to the little campsite. They had started a fire, and laid out the bedrolls around it. It was nothing like an official camp, just a place to rest for the night. All three of them sat around the fire. I could hear the murmur of their voices, but couldn't distinguish their words.

And all three of them kept throwing glances my direction.

I breathed deeply and moved into a position of meditation, sitting cross-legged and placing my hands on my knees.

 _Ok. So what the hell was that? Let's think logically for a moment. My head was splitting open before I passed out._ I evaluated my physical state. My headache was pretty much gone. There was a small lingering ache, but it was nowhere near the levels of pain it was before. _Well, that's nice at least._

I noticed my forearm was bandaged. I poked at it and winced at the sharp pain that shot up my arm. _Ok, leave that alone._

I gently rolled and flexed my muscles, starting with my neck and working my way down. There was a pulled muscle in my back that caused a pang of discomfort, and I felt a few nasty bruises, on my back and hip, that would be black and blue soon, if they weren't already.

 _At least I survived the fight. I don't remember much of it though._ I tried to think back. _Just the pain. But I do clearly remember that dream… or whatever it was._

I recalled it vividly. If I wanted to I could probably play through the whole thing in my head again.

 _What does it mean? Who was Lethanavir?_ _Banal'ras'iroth?_ _Nellas? Though Nellas and Banal'ras'iroth seemed to be the same person, just a name and a title. Maybe? And he called me vhenan. HER vhenan. He called HER vhenan._

I breathed deeply. _Stay calm. It's just a memory. Something you saw from the Fade. After all she was nothing like me._

I need to think about something else for a while. I cleared my mind, just breathing in and out.

When I finally opened my eyes again, it was dark. I looked back to the camp. Solas was fiddling with the leather wrapping on his staff, Dorian was reading a book, and Sean stared into the fire while still occasionally casting worried glances my direction.

 _I will have to rejoin them eventually. Besides, I want to know what happened between my collapse and my rude awakening._

I took a deep shaky breath and took hold of my emotions. I smoothed my expression, stilled my shaking, and calmed my heart. As soon as I felt I was once again under control, I stood and walked slowly to join them.

I avoided any eye contact as I sat myself cross-legged on the empty bedroll that I had previously vacated. I stared into the fire, making sure my hold on my expression was firm, before I spoke, my voice sounding calm and disinterested.

"What happened?"

Dorian glanced over his book at me, but continued to read as though disinterested. If I had a guess though he was listening closely. Solas stilled his movements, and set his staff aside. And Sean shifted, being the only one who was actively watching me this whole time. He was also the one who answered me.

"Well… I closed the rift, and we heard you scream, and then you collapsed. Solas tried to revive you, but you weren't responding to anything. Eventually we found a way out and decided to camp for the night."

I mentally winced at the implication that someone had carried me out. _But how else were they supposed to get you out?_

 _They could have just dragged me._

 _That's not helpful and you know it!_

 _Stop berating yourself! This is ridiculous!_

I shook my head slightly, trying not to show my irritation.

"Ah, I see. Thank you then."

I continued to stare into the flames. I could hear the silent questions hovering in the air, but they hesitated to ask. I obviously did not react well to inquiries about my wellbeing. After a moment, Solas tried to hand me a healing potion. I must have looked reluctant, because he grabbed my hand and dropped it into my palm.

"Drink it, Shae. Your body needs to recover."

I downed the vial without further protest.

I sighed and passed the empty vial back into Solas waiting hand. I nodded at Solas, and then I met Sean's eyes directly, the first person I had truly looked at, and gave him a genuine smile. I tried to communicate my gratitude and general well being.

He studied my expression, concern still etched on his features, before I saw him slowly relax and return my soft smile with one of his own.

I purposefully pushed a yawn forward and let my exhaustion come over my features. I laid down on my bedroll and rolled away from the flames. I didn't need the fire in my face to be an ignition source for my nightmares. Those came easily enough on their own. Of course, I wasn't even sure I would sleep at all after what I saw.

 _I won't let you die, Ma'vhenan_

I stared blankly into the darkness and tried not to think.

* * *

Several hours later, I laid awake. Even with my exhaustion, I couldn't relax enough to let sleep come over me. At best I could doze off before the images I had seen came back and flooded my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about them.

 _Black armor glinting in the sun. Fire above our heads. Lethanavir!_

Throughout the night, I heard as each of the men took a shift at watch. They had apparently left me out for the night, as none of them came to wake me. I kept my back turned, my face in the dark, to hide the fact that I didn't sleep at all. I wouldn't have been much use on watch anyway. My mind was elsewhere.

 _Red on white armor. She would never give up her hunt. Ma'vhenan._

I absentmindedly ran my fingers over the mail on my legs. It wasn't exactly comfortable to sleep in mail, but in this situation, we all slept armored to avoid any surprise attacks. I frowned when my fingertips snagged softly on the mail. A piece of grass had woven itself through the metal. I gently worked it loose.

Looking down at myself, I was met with a pretty hideous sight. My armor was spattered with blood, demon ichor, and mud. _Ewww._ I reach up slowly and touched my face and hair and cringed when I felt the grime spattered there as well.

I remembered there being a small pond in this clearing we were camped in. _Maybe I can take advantage of it before we need to get moving._

I sat up from my bedroll carefully, trying not to wake those who were sleeping. Dorian was awake currently, and he was standing just outside the ring of light cast by the lingering fire. I rose and padded silently over to him.

Not wishing to scare him, I purposefully made my last few steps a little heavier as I approached. He glanced over his shoulder when he heard me.

"Can't sleep?" He whispered to not wake the other two.

I shook my head.

"How much longer till dawn?"

Dorian considered for a moment, gazing into the sky.

"Probably only a couple more hours, maybe less. I haven't been paying that close attention since I have last watch. Why? You going to relieve me of my dull burden of keeping watch?" He smirked slightly at me. _Ever the comedian._

I couldn't bring myself to smile back.

"Ah no. I am afraid that I wouldn't be much use right now."

His eyes sharpened on my face at my serious tone. After a moment of studying me, he spoke.

"I understand."

We stood in comfortable silence for a moment. I contemplated the strangeness of all of this. _These people aren't real! They aren't supposed to be. But they are. After all this time being near them, interacting with them, I cannot say they aren't as real as I am. Dorian understands me. He doesn't follow a set conversation path that is predetermined by authors and programmers. There is nothing fake about this._

 _So what did I see?_

I took another shuddering breath. _Don't think about it._

"I'm going to wash up in that pond." I started to move forward, I caught Dorians nod as I moved away.

I stopped at the edge of the water and peeled off my armor one piece at a time. I rinsed each one thoroughly and then draped them over a rock ledge near the water to I was done, it was just barely becoming dawn, the sun peeking over the horizon and starting to chase away the darkness and the chill.

 _Feral smiles over black armor. Whirling onyx blades. Silver hair braided back._

I was standing there in my now slightly damp leggings and tunic, which were also worse for wear. I trudged back into the camp, for all I was silent, and grabbed my pack from beside my bedroll. It had my spare change of clothes in it.

I walked back to the pond and began peeling off my clothes. The dried blood made the fabric stiff and it slung to my skin uncomfortably. I dropped my clothing in the water to rinse, leaving me in my smalls, which were not nearly clean enough for me to be comfortable with. Luckily, I had brought a backup pair.

I waded into the water, shivering against the chill and watching goosebumps raise on my arms. The water was just deep enough that at the center it rose to my shoulders. I peeled off my smalls as well and went about washing the blood and dirt from them and my clothes. When those were as clean as they were going to get without soap, I rung them out and placed them on the rock beside my armor.

Once that was done I pulled myself completely under the water, enjoying the feeling of weightlessness and silence that came with being submerged. The blood that clung to my skin floated away in clouds of dirty red that dissipated in the cool water. I stayed under as long as I could, my lungs aching for air, before I came back up.

 _Bubbling, gasping breaths. Tingling poison in my veins._

I scrubbed gently over my skin, making sure that everything was cleared away. I heard a strangled noise from the camp and my head whipped around to see any danger.

Sean was sitting up in his bedroll, his face red from his hair to his armor, as he stared at me. When I caught his eye, he went even redder and turned away completely, his back a tense wall against my nakedness.

Dorian, who had also noticed the commotion, looked from Sean, to me, and then back.

"Surely that doesn't have you embarrassed? Have you ever camped with women before this?"

Sean mumbled something that I couldn't understand from where I was, but Dorian laughed and Sean hunched over even further. I could see Solas stirring, unable to sleep with talking going on around him.

"Remind me to never take you to Qarinus. You'll see worse there just walking down the street." Dorian chuckled and shook his head, settling down by the fire again now that the other two were awake.

I couldn't help but smile as well. _We are camping, what does he expect me to do, wander off on my own?_

I turned my back, maybe to respect his modesty a little, maybe to just bring my attention back to myself. I worked my fingers through the tangles in my hair and made sure all the gore was gone. I would enjoy it for a while longer, trying to relax and banish the lingering thoughts that kept returning to me.

As I considered getting out, I regretted not having some kind of towel handy. All my clean items left in my bag were clothes that I would be wearing. _Too bad I can't just lay out in the sun for a little bit to dry off. I think Sean might die of embarrassment. Maybe that comes with him being a noble? Raised to avoid promiscuity or something like that?_

I lifted my hand out of the water and stared at it. _I wonder if there is a way to dry off with magic._ I imagine it would be a rather simple concept, but not a simple execution. Heat and air were probably the easiest way to try to dry off. But the concern would come with controlling the heat.

I focused on my mana, which I could feel like a small orb of light somewhere in my chest. I reached for it, focusing just on my hand and the idea of warm air floating around it. _Worst case scenario- I burn my hand._

I felt the Fade react to my instructions and the air currents began pulling around my palm, and twisting in between my fingers. There wasn't enough heat though. I coaxed it, in my mind, to be a little warmer, inching up the degrees very slowly. When I was happy with the result, and my hand was pleasantly dry and warm, I walked out of the pond. _Sean will just have to look away._

I used my new trick on my whole body, once again focusing on the temperature so as not to burn myself. In a matter of moments, my skin was no longer dripping. My hair was still damp, but I didn't want to risk lighting that on fire, so I just rung that out myself.

I pulled on my clean clothes, sighing in happiness at the comfort something so simple can bring. My armor was still damp, so once again I used a little magic to solve that. _How do mages not use this all the freaking time? Oh right. People are terrified of it._ That thought extinguished my little glimmer of a good mood.

I pulled on my armor again, gathered my old clothes and shoved them in my bag, and walked back to the fire. I grabbed my bedroll and shook it out, letting all the dried muck from before I bathed shake out of it. I rolled it up and sat on it, finally looking around at the others.

Sean still looked red and mortified. _I wonder if he caught a glimpse of something more and that's why he is so embarrassed? Who hasn't seen naked people all over the place?_

Solas and Dorian both looked completely unaffected. I couldn't help but laugh at the difference, which was surprising to me, because of my grim mood. The men looked a little surprised at my mirth as well.

"Sorry Sean. I didn't mean to offend your delicate sensibilities."

Once again, Sean grumbled something unintelligible. I smiled at him, and he smiled back, though it still looking embarrassed. _Such modesty. How the heck does he handle Dorian?_

Solas handed me breakfast, which turned out to be a small apple, and a small loaf of bread torn into chunks. Dorian couldn't resist continuing to tease Sean.

"I doubt he has had naked women lounging around him his whole life. I heard the Trevelyans are a very devout Andrastian family. Weren't you a younger son, Sean? Were you all prepared for a life of chastity and prayer, pledging yourself to the Maker?"

Sean glared fiercely at Dorian, and then at me when I smirked at him. He then chose to ignore us.

"Today we are going to meet with Hawke. We need to get to his Grey Warden contact and then go back to Skyhold. We should be able to make it back by tomorrow."

We packed up camp, and headed out across Crestwood once again.

* * *

I stared at Hawke. _Yet another fictional character made real. When will I get used to this?_

He was standing at the mouth of the cave as we approached, just waiting for us to catch up. He was the default Hawke, standing there in his champion armor, leaning on a wicked looking staff. _Ok, it's officially weird to say 'default Hawke', even in my head._

He grinned at us as we approached.

"So glad you could make it. I just got here myself."

Sean stopped at the mouth of the cave next to him, looking back into its depths. Hawke moved to stand next to him, but was looking over the rest of us. He seemed interested, but turned his attention back to Sean.

"My contact with the Wardens should be at the back of the cave."

Sean nodded.

"A group of Wardens were protecting a villager from corpses out near Crestwood."

Hawke didn't look surprised. Instead he nodded, absentmindedly scratching at his beard.

"They were likely hunting my friend. I'm glad they didn't come looking for people to help in here. They might well be good men, but they've been given bad orders."

Sean nodded and hummed, taking a step forward to go into the cave.

"Let's go."

"Wait!" Hawke nearly exclaimed. Sean looked a little startled, but stopped and stared at him. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your entourage?"

Sean chuckled and Hawke grinned again.

"Yes. Forgive me. This is Solas, Dorian Pavus, and Shae." He pointed to each of us in turn as he introduced us. Dorian, of course, gave a flourishing bow, but Solas and I merely stood there, looking on. "And this, of course, is the Champion of Kirkwall, Garrett Hawke."

Hawke tipped his head at us.

"A pleasure." He glanced at Sean. "You know I almost miss having people follow me about." He sighed. "And then I remember the parts that were awful. Do any of them squabble like children? That's all Fenris and Anders did all day."

Sean laughed.

"No, not of this group anyway. If Sera were here that might be a different story. I try not to bring clashing personalities."

I think we all rolled our eyes simultaneously.

Hawke chuckled, shaking his head.

"Well, we better go meet up with him. I doubt he will be pleased if we keep him waiting forever."

Sean took the lead, and headed back into the cave. I remembered what would happen when we meet the Warden. I knew everything would be fine. But I was already on edge from my vision and this cramped cave was making me tense. I fell into step close behind Sean, and Hawke walked beside me, leaving Solas and Dorian to take up the rear.

"Varric has told me some interesting stories about you, Shae."

I glanced at Hawke, trying to keep myself from glaring. I had to remind myself that I like him. He is funny and easygoing. But I was having a rough day, and was too focused on keeping the flashes of the vision at bay for a chat. But Hawke was smiling kindly and I felt rude. So I would try to indulge him.

"Really? I don't find that very surprising."

"Uh-huh. Said you're older than you look."

I rolled my eyes. Of course Varric told him I was from the time of Arlathan. _I suppose I should know better than to hope he can keep his mouth shut around Hawke especially. Not that it's not basically common knowledge now._

"Which is a compliment really. If you are as old as he said you are, then I have to say you look stunning for your age."

I smirked at that. He smiled like he had won at something. _Probably just trying to make the seriously grumpy elf laugh. I suppose he would have a lot of practice at that with Fenris. I wonder who he ended up romancing?_

It was at that moment I noticed two things: Sean was no longer directly in front of me, he had slipped through the door at the back of the cave in front of us, and I heard the sound of a blade being drawn.

That noise dripped terror down my spine. Even though my brain knew it was safe, and he would be fine, my body reacted instinctively out of fear.

 _Drawing onyx blades across a throat with a spray of blood._

I moved like lightning through the door and had my drawn dagger pressed to the Warden's throat before anyone knew what was happening. I fought to not kill him immediately.

The Warden, who I recognized as Alistair, had a nasty scowl on his face as he took in the situation. He knew he was the one at a disadvantage. He had Sean backed against a rock, his sword pointing at his heart, but I had appeared in the blink of an eye with my dagger pressed against his jugular. With a single jarring movement, I could spill his life force on the ground and we all knew it. I held completely still, not wanting to accidentally cut him in what I knew was already a misunderstanding.

"Shae. It's alright." Sean said quickly.

Hawke chose that moment to rush into the room, looking around at the very tense situation.

"Woah, woah. It's just us Alistair. I brought the Inquisitor."

At the sight of Hawke, Alistair had lowered his blade. I gently pulled my own blade from his skin as soon as he had. We both sheathed our weapons and eyed each other. I took a step back into the shadows and crossed my arms, trying to still the trembling that had returned with a vengeance.

Solas and Dorian stepped in the room behind Hawke, and I suddenly was able to relax. Perhaps it was that we now had the overwhelming numbers. _Really Shae? You know you can trust Alistair! Even without your intervention this would have turned out fine! You are becoming paranoid._

 _But I have to protect him. If my knowledge of these events causes me to relax in the face of danger and Sean dies because of it? I would never, ever forgive myself._

 _Still paranoid._

I shook my head slightly to silence my internal dialogue, and turned my attention back to the people in the room.

"I'm Alistair. It's an honor to meet all of you. I wish it were someplace nicer."

With that comment, he threw a glance back at me and rubbed his throat where my dagger had rested. I just met his gaze steadily. Sean eyes widened at his introduction.

" _The Alistair?_ The one who fought with the Hero of Ferelden?"

Alistair sighed and smiled.

"I really need to change my name… Yes, that was me. War, betrayal, darkspawn: all lots of fun and made for excellent stories, I'm sure."

I watched his eyes darken with sorrow, and maybe regret. I felt my chest tighten a little. He had been my favorite character in Origins. _I wonder how his life played out._

"Nobody cares about that anymore. I answer to Warden-Commander Clarel now, like everybody else."

Sean watched him with curious eyes for a moment, before seeming to push back his curiosity and become the Inquisitor again.

"Most of you Wardens suddenly disappear, and then I run into a darkspawn magister named Corypheus. Do you think that one might have something to do with the other?"

"When Hawke killed Corypheus, the Wardens thought the matter resolved. But archdemons don't die from simple injury. I feared Corypheus might have the same power, so I started to investigate."

I only vaguely listened as Alistair told us about the Wardens all hearing the calling at once and devising a plan using blood magic. He advised us that the next step in his plan was to go to the Tevinter ritual tower and investigate. During that time, I finally managed to stop my trembling by focusing on what I knew.

 _The Western Approach. The demon army. Adamant. The Fade. The nightmare._

I know this story. _Hopefully I'm able to keep everyone safe as we try to actually live through it._

After a ridiculous amount of questions from Sean, we headed out of the cave with Alistair coming along. It hadn't taken long for him to pack up his belongings and join our party. All of us would head back to Skyhold together to get started on this Warden problem.

Introductions occurred again once we were outside, Alistair now learning our names as well. It was all very pleasant, and nothing I was in the mood for. Alistair eyed me cautiously, but Hawke didn't seem to have that trepidation. He fell into step beside me as we trudged across Crestwood.

"Soooo. I haven't seen anyone move that quickly since Fenris. And honestly, I think you might give him a run for his money. You're pretty skilled."

"Thank you." I tried not to sound as tired or irritable as I was. Though he was probably used to irritable elves. The lack of sleep and the stress of the day was really starting to catch up to me.

"I blinked and you were gone. Hey, Alistair! Did you even see Shae coming for you?"

I scowled a little. I didn't want Alistair to hate me for besting him already. Rubbing a loss in a proud man's face was a great way to get on his bad side. I knew from experience. And I didn't know this real Alistair. Already I knew he was older, sadder, a little less naive. _Which is kinda sad._

Alistair paused to let us catch up to him as we walked, and then kept pace beside us.

"Ah. I believe I saw her. It might have just been a blur. Very impressive." He smiled at me, and I could almost feel him offering a second chance at our first impressions. I smiled slightly back at him, trying to let my irritation go, and his own smile widened.

"Of course, I am a royal bastard. I may have to have you beheaded for the insult."

His tone was sarcastic and teasing. So I chuckled.

"You would have to catch me first, Sir Warden."

"Oh! She has a sense of humor too! You just get more interesting by the minute." Hawke said, and winked at me. I rolled my eyes at him, and Alistair exhaled sharply through his nose.

"In my experience Hawke, we probably shouldn't pick on the elf who can easily kill us. It's not good for the health."

Hawke laughed loudly at that.

"I heard Warden Mahariel would instill fear in the hearts of men, though I expected to hear she had a softer side from her lover."

Alistair's cheeks went just a little pink as he made a noise worthy of Cassandra.

Hawke laughed again and elbowed Alistair playfully.

I slowed my pace until I dropped back to where Solas was walking at the rear of the ahead of us carried on in conversation, laughing and getting to know one another. I fell into step beside him, and threw him a glance. He nodded at me, his eyes kind but his face unmoved. Solas and I walked in comfortable silence the rest of the way back to the main camp.

* * *

If you have any other questions or just want to chat, find me on tumblr! my name is the-hidden-1


	10. Chapter 10

Thank you to all my reviewers! You make me want to keep writing this story.

Italics are internal though, bold is elvhen

* * *

We rode into Skyhold just as dusk was settling over the keep. Long shadows stretched from the setting sun like fingers grasping at the world. I rode in last, at the back of the line, letting Da'asha simply follow the others on her own. I had been lost in a cloud of my thoughts, but I managed to shake the mist to look around. There was a crowd at the gate that was not as large as it normally would be if we had returned at the height of the day. I was relieved for the lack of extra attention.

Commander Cullen was waiting near the stables for Sean, no doubt already looking to debrief him on the situation with the Wardens. We came to a staggered halt in front of the stables, and slowly began dismounting. I hauled myself out of the saddle, and held myself steady so my shaky knees wouldn't buckle beneath me. These last few days had been _very_ long.

We had stayed at the main camp one more night before heading for Skyhold. The soldiers had managed to procure another tent for us, but since we had gained two new companions in Hawke and Alistair, the extra room was already taken. So I had ended up sharing with Solas again. _Not that I mind really. I just would have prefered to have some time alone._

I probably should have expected that I would have nightmares again.

That night, in the Fade, I had relived my whole vision again. I was lucid, able to have my own thoughts and feelings, but I had no control over my body. Like a pair of eyes, watching from a skull that wasn't mine.

I had awoken panicked again, almost screaming as the fears and emotions of the dream threatened to overwhelm me. And of course, that had woken Solas.

I thought back to that moment.

 _I sat up gasping and clutching at my chest, where the echos of sharp pain still tingled on my skin. I sat there trembling for a while, before I shook my head and began dressing. I would not sleep again tonight._

 _I glanced to the side and saw Solas watching me move about, awoken by my strangled gasp. I grimaced and looked away from him. I definitely didn't want to talk about it. Thankfully, he didn't ask._

 _Once fully dressed, I slipped out of the tent. I spent the rest of the night pacing in the dark, or staring into the fire, going over every aspect of the dream in my mind, trying to make sense of it._

There were too many parallels.

The first thing I noticed was her voice. _Lethanavir._

She had my voice. I could hear it when she spoke to the elves in black armor. It was the same inflection and tone. They were not my words but it was _my voice_ she spoke with.

The second thing I noticed was her fighting. It was very similar to my own, if not the same. She moved with the fluidity and grace that I had been practicing all my life. She was better than me though. Watching from her eyes, I knew that her reactions were faster than mine could ever be. I couldn't help but breathe a small sigh of relief at that difference.

The third and most concerning similarity I had with Lethanavir was her wounds. I had been avoiding thinking about it, but now there was no denying it. She had been shot with poisoned arrows in the same two places that I had been shot on Earth.

 _We are mirrors of each other. Different worlds and different times. But the same._

At that point I had started to panic.

 _What does it mean? Who is she? Why am I seeing this?_

I had to clear my mind and calm my breathing at that point.

 _As night had crawled towards dawn, I smoothed my features to show nothing. And when the others rose at sunrise, I was the image of calm. Though even I will admit I probably did not look normal. I felt blank, empty._

 _Later in the day, that thought was proven correct when Solas spurred his hart up to ride next to Da'asha. I was absorbed in my own circular thoughts so I hadn't turned my attention to him right away._

" _ **Shae, are you alright?"**_

 _I had blinked at him for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts. Am I alright?_

" _ **I'm fine, Solas."**_

 _His brows came together, and he frowned._

" _ **Something is bothering you. I won't force you to speak of it, but if you wish to talk, I will listen."**_

 _I stared at him for a moment, and then forced my lips into a smile._

" _ **I'm fine. Really."**_

 _I could see from his skeptical look that he didn't believe me, but I ignored his concern and just went back to staring out over Da'asha's neck as we moved forward through the trees._

Solas hadn't approached me about it again. Sean had asked me once as well, looking concerned. I used the same smile on him, and he left me alone. No one else attempted to talk to me the rest of the trip, though there were a few concerned glances thrown my way.

Now we were finally back and Skyhold and I would be able to get some time alone to wrap my head around all this and what it means.

 _Does it have to mean something? Cant it just be a coincidence?_

I was shaken from my reminiscing when a stablehand approached me and offered to take Da'asha. It was the same elven man I had seen before. Now that I was able to look closer, I could see he was albino. His hair and skin were too pale for anything else and his eyes had that slight pink tone to them. I smiled at him and he blushed fiercely but smiled back. I grabbed my pack from the saddle and let Da'asha snuggle into my chest as I stroked her brow, before he led her away.

 _Why can't any of this be normal? I wish I knew why I was here of all places, and what this stupid dream thing is._

I looked around me, almost dazedly. _Thedas, elves, mages, warriors. Two freaking moons!_

 _This isn't real. Nothing here is real! It can't be._

At that moment, Cole appeared beside me, startling me slightly.

"We are real."

I paled at the realization of what was coming, but I couldn't stop it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Solas' head jerk slightly as he listened. In fact everyone was listening, if their frozen posture was any indication. They had all noticed my attitude since the rift, and none of them had been able to pull me from it. Cole continued, and I was afraid.

"Dreams within dreams, within nightmares. We are real, but so are you. Your dreams don't make you less real. Like watching the fish dance in the lake. Now you're a fish with them. But you're still you. It's just a different perspective. You should tell him. He could help where I can't."

My mind was reeling, not only with what he was saying, but terrified that it would reveal something to the others. I put my hand gently on his shoulder, partially to try to stop him and partially to steady myself.

"Oh!" Cole murmured, his eyes going wide. And then he whispered to me, "You wanted me to do that in private." He said it as a statement, and he turned to look at everyone else, who was still watching warily. I could tell he was going to make them forget, and I suddenly didn't want him to.

"No, Cole. It's fine. Thank you for helping."

Cole turned back to me, and I gave him that same fake smile I had been using on everyone else. He watched my lips.

"It's not real."

I flinched, but patted his shoulder.

"Thank you, Cole. But I'll be fine."

Cole sighed, shook his head and disappeared, leaving me in front of a rapt audience of my companions.

"What just happened?" Hawke was looking very confused. A glance at Alistair showed similar bewilderment on his face. Sean looked between them, and laughed softly.

"Ah, that is our resident spirit of compassion. Come on Hawke, Alistair. I'll tell you all about it over drinks. I'm buying."

I could tell a masterful distraction when I saw one. Sean shot a worried look over his shoulder at me as they walked away, but I took that moment to grab my pack and move quickly across Skyhold to where the privacy of my room waited for me.

Slipping into my room silently, I leaned back against the door. The dream kept flashing through my mind, even now. I bumped my skull back against the door.

 _Get out. Get out. Why did I even see this?_

I sighed, trying to calm down, and gestured with a flick of my mana at the candle, giving me some light.

My pack dropped heavily on the floor, and I leaned down to pull out my things.

Unpacking helped. Taking out each item and putting it in its place, not that there was a ton there. I was able to focus. Plus, I was alone, in this tiny little space that was mine.

I pulled the book I had been reading out of my bag, and let the pages fall open to where I had placed my drawing of my parents. I took it out and placed it on the table again. My fingers traced the lines over and over, remembering their faces.

 _You're real._

I dragged my clothing off and threw it in the corner with other dirty laundry. I would bathe in the morning. For now I was exhausted. _Hopefully my nightmares will leave me alone for tonight, though I doubt it_.

I grabbed some clean smalls and a large tunic that hung off my frame, leaving one shoulder bare and covering my thighs. It was the most comfortable night shirt I had.

Blowing out the candle, I crawled into bed. I layed in the dark staring at the ceiling. I tried to clear my mind, trying to become blank again. _Maybe that will help with the dreams_.

After at least an hour, maybe more, of staring into the darkness, trying to relax, I finally succumbed to sleep.

* * *

Water lapped gently against the dock, and I felt the peace settle over me again. I stared at the sky.

 _Sunrise? Or sunset?_

I could see the fuzzy edges around the trees, and feel the fluid ripples that made the images before me. My awareness of it was growing. _Maybe this time I'll finally be able to control it._

I focused on that peace.

The smell of pine trees on the wind, water shifting the dock slightly with the waves, and the sky bleeding orange pink and red.

I took a deep breath, savoring the calm here.

Unbidden, the images of these last few days came to my mind. I was helpless before the rift.

 _My head splitting open. Searing pain._

And then, I had been a burden on them.

 _They had to carry you out! You're so pathetic._

I trembled against the memories that were coming to me.

And then I heard it. That familiar sound. Crackling fire and groaning wood. The smell of smoke and chemicals stung my nose once again, just like every time before.

 _Why this nightmare?_

I turned to face my burning horrors once again.

But it was different.

When I turned, the first thing I noticed was that my mom was standing beside me. She had tears streaming down her face as she stared at the burning house, her face twisted with pain and fear. I blinked at her. _This is not right._

I looked at the house, and saw my dad banging on the glass windows as the house blazed around him. His eyes begged me for help, and his cries didn't reach me from my distance but I could feel every word like a knife.

Tears pricked my eyes and I clenched my jaw painfully.

Mom turned to me and grabbed my shirt, keeping her eyes glued on dad.

"Shae! You have to help him! Please! Help your father!" She begged me.

 _Oh god. This was so much worse._

I gently wrapped my hands around her wrists, which were still clutching at my shirt.

"I… can't. I have tried so many times, Mom. I'm sorry. For both of you."

Mom crumbled to her knees, dragging me down with her. She had kept her eyes fixed on the house, but now she turned and looked straight at me, and I saw fury there, mingling with her tears. Her fists tightened uncomfortably, until I was feeling slightly strangled in her grasp.

"You won't! You won't even try! How could I have had such a useless daughter?" She snarled and I leaned back sharply, shoving her hands away.

Her words stung like lashes from a whip and I felt the tears fall down my face. Even though I knew this was a dream, it played off of every fear and insecurity I had about their deaths.

"Mom. I can't. I have tried. There is nothing I can do to save either of you."

Mom closed her eyes and sobbed against me, and it broke my heart. I looked back and saw dad still pounding against the glass. Suddenly she sat up in my arms, giving me a hopeful look of desperation.

"Let me then! I can do it! You just have to say yes, and I will save both of us."

I hesitated. _This seems too strange._

My thoughts were jarred as I saw flames begin to lick up her body. She screamed and writhed before me, her hands where they touched me scorched my skin painfully.

"Please! Shae! Please, let me help! Say yes!"

A broken sob slipped past my throat. _A demon. But oh god, this hurts._

I gently pushed her away from me.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, my breath catching as I tried to speak calmly. "But no. I won't let you out of the Fade, demon."

Mom hissed, but then laughed cruelly. The flames continued to lick at her body and I watched as the flesh dripped off of her bones. It was torture to watch, but I couldn't look away.

"Ah, you are clever, Shae."

Suddenly, we were in the raw Fade. Green mists and amorphous rocks around us. Mom was whole again, standing in front of me with a cocky assuredness she had never shown in life.

"I wasn't lying though. I have been watching you, Shae. You really are useless."

I flinched as she sauntered around me, her gaze sizing me up in a way that made me very uncomfortable, especially wearing my mother's face.

"Leave me be, demon."

She laughed in my face again. She continued in a mocking voice.

"Oh, poor little Shae. Thrown into a world she doesn't understand. And now everyone is taking care of _you._ Sean takes care of you."

I saw flashes in my mind of Sean checking on me, of making sure I was alright; of asking me to teach him my style of fighting.

"You know he only asked you that to try to give you some purpose, right? He was watching you flounder. Helpless to do anything but exist in Skyhold, and he decided to give you a purpose. Aren't you supposed to do that yourself?"

I grimaced at her words. They cast every action into a new light. One of weakness and dependence.

"Ah, and then there is Solas." The demon smirked with my mother's lips. I hated it with every fiber of my being.

"You have a little bit of a crush on him, huh? I can see it, you know. And he helps you the most!"

She prowled around behind me and I turned my head so she remained in view.

"He has to feed you, and encourage you to sleep! He has to make sure you're ok! Ha! You are pathetic! You can't even take care of yourself. And you dare to even think you can like him? He would never desire you! You are too weak!"

Images of Solas bringing me food and checking up on me filled my mind. I was pathetic. He felt the need to care for me becuase I couldnt or wouldnt do it for myself. I gasped and felt my knees give out. I sunk down to the ground and she crouched in front of me.

"They are all better than you. You are just a burden to them. And you always will be."

She softened then, and ran her fingers gently through my hair, like my mom used to do. I couldn't help but lean into her touch. I felt disgust at my weakness even as I wanted more.

"Oh, Shae. This world is too much for you. You are going crazy, you know. That's what the visions are. You are losing your mind."

My mind went blank as I stared at her. _No. No, that can't be right. No._

She had a sympathetic look on her face, as she wiped away my tears with her thumbs, gently caressing my cheeks.

"Yes, sweetheart. I want to help you. This is too much for you. You are losing your mind. Seeing things. Let me in. I can take care of it. I can take care of them and you. I am stronger."

She pulled me forward into a hug, the way my mother used to, and a whimper slipped past my lips.

"Let go of all of this, honey. It's too hard. You know that. Let me help you."

She leaned back and looked into my face, and her expression was filled with all the love I had so desperately missed for years. I gasped as another sob was wrenched from my chest.

"Shhh. It's alright, love. I can help. Let me help."

I hung there, clinging to her. The demon had a point. I was useless. All anyone ever did was take care of me. I was a burden, and a liability in battle. And I had nothing else to contribute.

I was so tired of fighting it. _Why did this happen? I had accepted my death! And then I get shoved here? This isn't fair!_

The demon stroked my back gently, as I considered her offer. I knew it was a false offer. I would become an abomination and they would kill me.

 _But... would that be so bad?_

My breath hitched again. _How can I really consider this? What if this isn't real and I'm just unconscious on Earth, and this is me giving up?_

 _Would I even want to go back?_

My mind stuttered at that. I had thought I had a happy life there. But now, looking back, it just felt empty. Everything was empty. _Everyone is gone._

 _This isn't real._

"Nothing is real, sweetheart. All you are is a helpless child, struggling against the world. Let me help you."

I raised my eyes to look at her. Her face was still soft with sympathy, but her eyes burned with victory. I studied her.

 _Why am I still fighting? This isn't even real._

And then I suddenly remembered.

" _We are real, but so are you. Your dreams don't make you less real."_

I heard Cole's voice in my head. Speaking those words again. Somehow, even with as little meaning as there was there, that gave me the strength to decide.

I looked up into my mother's eyes. The eyes I loved and missed so much it hurt to breathe. And I opened my mouth to say no, but I never got the chance.

She suddenly vanished with a shriek, as the Fade itself seemed to twist to swallow her out of existence.

I stared at the spot where she was. _What?_

"Shae?"

I started at the sound and turned.

 _Solas._

There he was, concern etched on his face as he stood a little distance from me. And suddenly I knew. He had banished the demon somehow, releasing me from its clutches before I could give it an answer. One way or the other. He had taken away my choice.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Not only was Solas standing with me in the Fade, of all the dangerous places for him to see me; but he had saved me again.

I grit my teeth and turned away, instantly furious.

 _See Shae? You really can't do anything for yourself. He didn't believe you could. That's why he had to save you. Because you're pathetic!_

The voice sounded suspiciously like my mothers, while it dripped its poison into my mind. I shook my head trying to shake it loose.

"Shae?" Solas asked again, sounding closer to me.

I whipped my head around to look at him, and I couldn't help the glare that spread across my face.

Solas looked surprised.

" **What are you doing here?"**

He at least had the decency to look a little abashed. I doubted that in any culture it was ok to just pop into other people's dreams. Ancient Elvhen god or not.

" **Ah. I could hear you through the Fade. I thought to come help."**

I snarled.

" **I am not a child, that you need constantly come to my side if I am in trouble!"**

Solas hands raised in a defensive posture.

" **I was merely trying to offer my assistance. You may not have needed it. But I was happy to offer it. It did not look like a pleasant dream."**

I froze and stopped breathing. _How much did he see? Could he see the house? There were definitely things there that would not make sense to him!_

I took a deep breath, trying to appear somewhat normal, and looked at him. He gazed back at me with steady blue eyes, but there was no suspicion there that I could see. Of course I had no doubts that he would be able to hide it if he truly wanted to.

There really wasn't any way to know. If I ask him about it, it will reveal that I have something to hide. _Either he knows, and I'm dead. Or he doesn't know._

I sighed. _There really isn't anything I can do about it either way._

I stood slowly and wiped at my face. I was completely done with the Fade, and a little bit with Solas. I didn't want to talk about this here. I closed my eyes and focused on two words. _Wake up._

* * *

I opened my eyes, and rolled over, smothering my face in the pillow. The anger and despair I felt in the Fade began to drain out of me. I felt wetness on my face, and realized that my tears had been real. I wiped them away. My irritation flared as I thought about Solas in my dream.

 _How dare he just come into my dream like that? Helping or not that is very personal._

I scowled and flung back the covers and stormed out of the room, not considering anything else. I knocked twice on his door, before I simply walked in.

He was sitting up on his bed, his legs over the side, wearing only pants. My eyes did not wander though, I was so focused on my anger.

" **While I appreciate the thought behind your assistance, I do not appreciate you coming into my dreams without even talking to me about it! That is… very inconsiderate of you."**

My anger had fizzled out as I spoke. And I realized I was standing in his room wearing only my nightshirt. And while it was modest in its coverage, I certainly looked ruffled and ridiculous. Solas seemed to have noticed that too if the small smirk on his face was any indication. _Jerk._

" **I apologize, Shae. I promise I won't seek you out in the Fade again, without your permission."**

I huffed and glared at him, still offended. More worried. But definitely offended.

There was a moment of silence between us as I just stood there. _Well, this is awkward._

" **I'm sorry for barging in. I shouldn't have."**

I immediately found myself glancing around the room. It was a slightly larger space than mine was. There were books piled on the table, along with a shard, and a lot of loose-leaf paper.

" **It is of no concern."**

I nodded, and would have turned to leave, except that the shard was creating that slightly high pitched ringing sound that you could only hear if you listened for it.

" **How do you sleep with that sound?"**

Solas threw me a puzzled look, and then glanced at the shard.

" **I find it does not bother me as much as you think it would."**

I shrugged and walked over to it, picking it up and examining it.

" **It would drive me crazy. It's a key right?"**

Solas smiled at me and stood, walking over beside me, looking at the shard in my hands.

" **Yes, it is part of a series of keys to a temple far to the West of us."**

I nodded absentmindedly.

I studied it for a few more minutes before I realized Solas was staring at me. I blinked at him, and then flushed.

" **I'm sorry, I should leave."**

I shuffled back towards the door and threw him a nervous smile. His own lips curved up into a smile as well, and I felt the last of my irritation melt away. _Fine, I'll forgive you. Stupid Dread Wolf._

I slipped out of the door, closing it softly behind me.

"Well now, that's interesting."

I turned and saw Varric watching me, a mischievous grin on his face, leaning against the wall casually outside his own door down the hall. I grimaced. With my state of undress, and the room I just exited, I can only imagine where his mind is going.

I shot a glare his direction and slipped back into my own room without a word.

* * *

When I finally felt clean, bathed and dressed in a new soft green tunic and dark brown leggings, I left my room and headed for the undercroft. I had an idea.

When I was younger, I don't remember how young- somewhere in the teenage years- I had been assigned to keep a dream journal. I had hated it, trying to write down the dreams I could barely remember upon waking. But now that sounded like a good idea. If only to help keep my head on straight.

I wandered up the stairs, into the main hall. It was a little later in the morning, so people were scattered about. Quite a few were still eating breakfast. I saw Varric sitting at his normal table by the fireplace, talking and eating with Bull and Sera. I grimaced as I imagined the stories he might be telling them. _Hopefully, Varric has some tact. Though I feel like that might be asking for a bit much from the storyteller. He's a ridiculous gossip._

As I walked past he waved at me and winked, a saucy grin on his face. I scowled at him and his grin widened. That, of course, drew Bull's attention to me, and he raised his brows, looking back and forth between us. He tried to wave me over as well, but I simply waved back shaking my head, smiling slightly. I was going to avoid that table like the plague.

I quickly dodged through the remaining nobles in the hall and slipped into the undercroft.

"Shae! It's so good to see you again! What can I do for you!"

Dagna, cheerful as ever, bounced over to me as she spoke. I smiled at her joyful nature.

"Hello, Dagna. I was wondering if I could have some leather?"

"Of course! You don't even have to really ask for that kind of thing. Well, I mean you probably should. It is Inquisition resources after all. How much did you need?"

She suddenly looked a little concerned. As though I would ask for a whole cartload or something. I laughed quietly, and she grinned.

"I just want to make a journal, Dagna. So I won't need much at all. Just about a square this size, and enough for a strap."

Dagna grinned again, and nodded.

"Oh absolutely! Let me get you some."

I followed her as she wandered back to where they kept the supplies, organized neatly into crates and piles. She started poking through the leathers, looking for a smaller cut that maybe couldn't be used on armor.

"Is there anything you prefer?"

"No, anything is fine."

I was distracted, poking around in the other crafting materials. It was so interesting to see all these resources as real. I was examining a piece of bloodstone, watching the light refract off of the dark red surface, when Dagna came back to me.

I was surprised. Not only was she holding several pieces of leather, but also a stack of blank paper and a thick needle and heavy string we would use to sew the leather.

"I didn't mean for you to find everything for me, Dagna."

She grinned a little sheepishly.

"I really like making things, Shae. So it's no trouble. Besides, I had everything here."

We spent the next few hours chatting amicably while I worked on my journal, and Dagna worked on some runes Sean had requested. I folded the pages in half, in manageable chunks, and then began the tedious process of sewing the pages together into something resembling a book. Once that was done, I selected the August ram leather to use. I knew it was a common resource, so I didn't feel bad using it.

I cut the leather into a rectangle that would wrap smoothly around the pages. I sewed the pages onto the leather, and wrapped it up to look at it. It was starting to look pretty nice. I cut a long strip of the leather and used it to tie around the journal, keeping it closed.

I showed the completed journal to Dagna, who showed ridiculous enthusiasm as usual..

"Oh! Thats amazing! Now I want to make one!" She pursed her lips. "Though knowing me, I wouldn't actually write in it. Or if I did, it would be ridiculous nonsense that would make sense to no one. Probably not even me."

I chuckled at her, and she grinned.

"Well. I will leave you to your work, Dagna. Thank you so much for your help."

She shrugged.

"I didn't really do much. You work fast. I expected it would take longer to make something like this. But you're welcome, all the same. And I love having you come visit. So stop by anytime."

I smiled at her, genuinely touched by her welcome, and nodded.

"Of course, I will."

At that moment, one of the scouts came into the undercroft. Expecting that he would have some message for Dagna, I began to make my way up the stairs to leave. As he approached though, he stopped me.

"Lady Montilyet has asked you to come speak with her. She has a matter that needs to be discussed."

I raised my eyebrows at him. I had no guesses as for what she would need to talk to me about. I nodded at him, and he turned on his heel and quickly left the undercroft.

I waved one more time to Dagna before following him out, running my fingers over the smooth leather of my new journal.

I walked through the great hall, which was still crowded with nobles with nothing but time on their hands, and made my way to Josephine's room. As I walked in I saw Leliana leaning against her desk as they talked.

"I understand your reluctance, but your life is at…"

 _The House of Repose has already made its move?_

Leliana spotted me then, and stopped speaking immediately. Her eyes narrowed in on me like a hawk watching a mouse. I stared back at her. Not trying to challenge her authority, but to convey that she didn't scare me. _Even though she kinda does._

I approached the desk and stood before them. Josephine smiled.

"Ah, Lady Shae. It's so good of you to come. There was a matter we wanted to address with you, now that you are back at Skyhold."

"It seems word of your story has spread." Leliana spoke, her voice light. "A small group of Dalish elves, from multiple clans, has approached the Inquisition, asking if they may speak with you. Apparently they would like to learn from you, as an ancient elf. Since they are trying to discover their history."

Leliana eyed me closely as I absorbed what she said. I managed to keep a straight face, but all I could think was _Oh shit._

Josephine glanced between Leliana and I, probably sensing some tension between us. She spoke, ignoring the sharp looks, and explaining further.

"Sean wanted to leave the choice to you, since you would be the one speaking to them. It would be a benefit to the Inquisition if we can get more Dalish warriors to join our cause. They are very skilled. The group arrived here yesterday while you were gone, and they have been staying in the gardens, which is where they seemed most comfortable. You may go speak with them if you wish. Though I have no doubts they will try to seek you out, if you don't. They have come a long way to talk to you."

I sighed, closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose.

 _The Dalish want to talk to me? I suppose I should have expected this. I am, after all, supposedly a walking, talking link to their past. Oh god, this is going to be awful._


	11. Chapter 11

Italics are internal thought

Bold is elven

* * *

The dusty bookshelf was not entirely comfortable to lean against, but I would bear it as long as my privacy remained uninterrupted. I sat on the floor in the lower library; a room near the kitchen that was completely covered in dust and spiderwebs, and almost always empty. I could hear the constant coming and going of the servants outside the door, but no one entered this room.

I had crept down here after talking to Josephine and Leliana, dodging out of view if I saw any hint of vallaslin. I almost knocked over a maid at one point, and I was sure she thought I was insane. The Dalish were apparently seeking my knowledge. I scoffed at the thought. _As if I could give them anything useful. Even if I had been telling the truth, I said I don't remember much. Not enough to be of any help._

For the past several hours, I had been idly poking through the books that littered the shelves; skimming pages, stopping on interesting paragraphs, and trying to decipher magical diagrams. I eventually stopped on some kind of medical text, that detailed healing methods, both with and without magic.

It was fascinating and disgusting all at once. The magical methods that were explained were fascinating, but the non-magical, such as bleeding to balance the humors, or leeches, just made me nauseous and concerned for everyone's health. For once I wish I had gone to medical school or something.

I flipped the page and was studying the figure that showed where to place leeches in the event of an infection, when I heard the door creak open. I looked up from my book, and saw Dorian standing in the open door. When he saw me on the floor, he quirked an eyebrow.

I quirked my own back at him as if to say _'What?_ '. He sighed, and slipped into the room fully, closing the door softly behind him.

"What are you doing in here, my dear?"

He gingerly picked his way into the room, a disgusted look on his face as he tried to avoid the dust and spiderwebs clinging to every surface.

"Reading." I held up the book to show him. He rolled his eyes.

"Oh, really? I thought maybe you were attempting death by spiderweb." His voice dripped with sarcasm as he looked about the room and I chuckled, shaking my head.

"I must say, you do look quite stunning surrounded by all the dust. I love this look, however I really recommend going someplace cleaner. Better for your health, I'm sure."

He gave a weak cough, waiving his hand delicately in front of his face, offended by the very air. I laughed aloud then.

"How can I be concerned about my health when such a beautiful man is standing before me?"

He smirked, seeming pleased with my flirting, but then his eyes faltered a little, and he leaned against the desk.

"Ah... Shae. I respect you, so I would like to avoid any misunderstandings…"

"Dorian, stop." I stood up and moved to the desk, hopping up to sit beside him. He looked at me confused and I just smiled at him. "I know you are only interested in men. That's the reason I am comfortable flirting with you. Don't get me wrong, women all over Thedas are mourning the loss of such a handsome man as we speak. But I am only interested in friendship."

Dorian gaped at me for just a second, his cheeks tinged with pink, before he composed himself, and chuckled.

"How did you know? I was under the impression that I was very discreet."

"Ah, let's call it intuition. I have not told anyone, nor do I think anyone else knows, at least not anyone who cares."

Dorian looked a little relieved at that, but shifted his eyes away from me. I knew he was probably uncomfortable, since it was not something he talked about with anyone. He spent most of his time pretending his attraction to men didn't exist.

"So…" I leaned over and nudged his shoulder with mine as Dorian looked at me in confusion. "You and Sean."

Dorian immediately looked shocked.

"What a silly notion! The Inquisitor? Preposterous." But a blush spread across his dark skin, and I smiled at him.

"Oh, come on. You have to know he likes you too. I have seen all the sideways glances."

Dorian stared at me for a moment. And I continued, smirking.

"I'm sure you have seen them too. For a Tevinter Altus, you must have plenty of experience with subtle glances."

My smirk grew, but he just shook his head.

"I would never take advantage of the Inquisitor like that."

My smirk fell and I pursed my lips. _He must be worried that I'm trying to push him into admitting he would try to use Sean._

"Hmmm. You're a good man Dorian." I said it with feeling in my voice, so hopefully he would believe me. "I won't push, but I think the two of you could be genuinely happy together. Plus, have you seen him?" I flapped my hand at my face comically, trying to relieve some of his tension.

Dorian laughed loudly at that and smiled, relaxing some.

"I have in fact seen our Inquisitor. He is very handsome. I have noticed you checking out a certain elf as well." Dorian waggled his brows at me suggestively, changing the subject, and I laughed as I felt a blush stain my cheeks.

"Well, after the speech I just gave you, I won't deny it." I smirked at him, and patted his arm where my hand was still resting. "I find him attractive, and intriguing. But I will never act on that." I couldn't help but sigh a little.

Dorian looked a little confused.

"After the talk you just spouted at me about happiness and other syrupy nonsense, you are going to say that?"

I chuckled. "Yes. It would be too complicated, Dorian."

"What isn't complicated these days?" He muttered, looking skeptical, like I maybe hadn't thought this through.

I kept my smirk but looked at the shelves, avoiding his eyes as I wove my story.

"Think about it Dorian. I am effectively immortal. I have no idea if that continued after I was pulled through the rift. I don't know how much longer I will live, or I may even choose to enter Uthenera when this is all over." I sighed again, hating the words. "I have lived a long time. And... if I am still immortal, continuing in a world where everyone I know will be gone after one hundred years, at most? Getting involved in a relationship? That…would be unbearably lonely."

We sat in silence for a moment. I glanced to him, and he was staring off past the bookshelf, clearly lost in thought. I patted his arm again, and he blinked and looked back to me.

"I suppose I had not considered that. It really is a shame that Tevinter destroyed Arlathan. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

I shook my head. Memories that weren't mine flashed through my mind. _Battles fought under a burning sky._

"It wasn't Tevinter. Besides, Arlathan was no more "innocent" than Tevinter, in its time." Dorian looked a little surprised at my words, his brows shooting up. "We destroyed ourselves in war, and Tevinter came and picked over the bones."

"Well, I suppose its good to know Tevinter wasn't the evil madman cackling over a newly murdered corpse for once."

"Just over a long dead corpse."

I smiled at him and Dorian chuckled, nodding.

"Ah, but my dear, you have effectively distracted me from my original purpose in seeking you out. Sean asked after you when no one saw you at lunch or dinner. I saw you sneaking in here earlier and wondered if I might still find you here."

I hopped off the desk and brushed dust off my pants.

"So, why didn't you just tell Sean that?"

Dorian shrugged.

"He looked very busy and I figured it wouldn't hurt to check myself."

I smiled wickedly at him, and he looked very concerned at my expression.

"And you say you don't like him."

He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.

"Do go make yourself known, before I have to tell a certain apostate that, despite his awful taste in clothing, he has an admirer."

I laughed, and shook my head.

"Go ahead, Dorian. It won't change anything." _Oh god, please don't._ "Solas is an attractive man, and I'm sure he knows it."

Dorian pursed his lips, which made his mustache move adorably. I dropped my gaze to it, and smiled again.

"You humans and your facial hair."

He scoffed and brushed off his own clothing as he leaned away from the desk.

"Come, why don't you join me in the tavern, where people can see you, hmm? I believe that would make you suitably noticed by the masses."

I flinched. _Hopefully not the Dalish masses._ But I nodded and picked up my new journal off the floor. Dorian eyed it.

"What is that?"

I ran my fingers over the cover and opened it to show him the blank pages, as we walked out of the library.

"I see. You know you could have requisitioned a much nicer, bound journal from Val Royeaux? I have seen them there."

"Im sure. But I wanted to make one for myself."

He huffed, as though appalled at my barbarity, and I laughed a sharp exhale through my nose. He turned to walk up to the main hall, but I grabbed his arm. I didn't give him a chance to question, instead I turned and dragged him to the kitchen.

When we walked in, a few of the maids looked up at us and squeaked, startled at the entrance.

"Pardon our intrusion." I bowed slightly to them, and then continued to drag Dorian through to the opposite door that led outside, and released him. He smoothed his clothing, making sure I hadn't rumpled anything.

"I have never been in that kitchen before."

"I go in there often. It's a good way to avoid company, and I get to know the servants. They don't get as nervous around me."

Dorian raised a single eyebrow in silent question again. I raised my hand and tugged at my pointed ear.

"Elf remember? I can't tell you how many times someone mistook me for a maid when I was first here. It was… well, never mind what it was. They don't do it anymore. Of course, now the problem is they actually know who I am."

I scowled into the night, just now realizing that it was actually dark out. I had spent most of the day in that dusty room. I had snuck to the kitchen for food a few times but still. Dorian noticed my scowl.

"Is this because of the Dalish I heard were here? I saw them wandering about the garden, climbing trees and such things. I heard a rumor they were here to talk to you."

I huffed and walked towards the tavern, not waiting to see if he would follow me.

 _Stupid Dalish._ I actually really enjoyed the Dalish in the games. Their culture and history was fascinating. They were always curious and looking for their history. I could appreciate that. Until I was suddenly the object of their fascination. I wasn't sure if I was irritated because they wanted to know more about me, or because I couldn't actually give them the answers they were looking for. _Probably both._

I was also annoyed because there was a freaking Elvhen god in the rotunda who could give them so many answers, but he never would. And based on what I had heard from him about his interactions with the Dalish, he has good reason to want to withhold his knowledge. I continued to scowl as I prowled towards the tavern.

I heard Dorian jog up beside me, matching my pace, and he laughed at my expression.

"It's not like you have to talk to them right? Just ignore them."

I sighed, irritable. _That's what I was trying to do Dorian, before you dragged me out of my hiding place._

"Josephine wants me to talk to them because they can give support to the Inquisition. She believes I can talk them into it."

"You? No offense but you have about as much diplomacy as an angry cat."

I turned my scowl towards him, and he laughed.

"There's the look I love so much."

I pushed open the tavern door and stepped inside. The smell of sour ale, sweat, and leather washed over me. The first breath was always a little overwhelming. _I will not be drinking tonight._

Bull and his Chargers were singing loudly in the corner, clearly well into their drinking already. Varric was playing cards with a few of the soldiers, and Sera was leaning against the bar, flirting with a woman whose face looked completely mortified.

I didn't really want to join any of these activities. At least not without a lot of ale, and since I wasn't planning on drinking… I told Dorian I would be finding a table on the second level, where things were quieter, and he was free to join me if he wished.

Dorian walked to the bar to get himself a drink and I meandered upstairs. I found an empty table in a quiet corner and sat. I fiddled with my journal, almost wishing I had a pen with me so I could start to write in it. Almost.

Dorian eventually found his way up to me with two glasses and a bottle of wine. I smiled at him as he pour one for me.

"I don't know if you actually like wine, but I figure, if we are friends now, I can at least buy you a drink for dragging you from that dusty library. Though really, I rescued you."

I rolled my eyes at him and sipped at the wine. He bought it for me, so I would drink it to be polite, but it would be the only one. My last experience with drinking here had kind of put me off it for a while. So I sipped the wine slowly, my fingers playing over the glass through our conversation.

We chatted for a while about his favorite wines, and he promised to share some with me if he ever got the chance. Then he started telling me a story about this horrible time of Tevinter fashion where feathers were all the rage and, apparently, the only thing some people wore.

I was happy talking with him, even as he began to get a little tipsy from his second bottle. We heard a cheer from downstairs, and glanced over the railing to see what the commotion was. Sean had just walked into the bar, joining a table that was crowded with Bull, Krem, Hawke, Blackwall and Sera.

Dorian glanced at me and I grinned at him.

"Go on."

"You won't join us?"

"No," I shook my head, still smiling at him. "I don't want to drink much tonight. So I won't be much company anyway."

Dorian reached out and patted my hand on the table, his smile happy, as he stood up and gracefully marched down the stairs. I watched him saunter over to the bar, as though getting more to drink, and then Sean called out to him, inviting him to the table.

Dorian glanced up at me subtly and I grinned. I went to lean back but I noticed Varric talking to two Dalish elves. They looked like hunters, and they were casually talking over ale. I quickly pulled my head back to avoid being seen, and shifted into the corner chair of the table, to be further out of sight.

After a few moments of contemplating my escape, suddenly Cole appeared by my table. I blinked at him, my mind taking a moment to process his sudden presence. He placed a quill and a bottle of ink on the table.

"Write. The pictures in your head will be quieter on the page."

And then he vanished.

I sighed. _Ah, Cole. Bewildering as always. If you can hear me, thank you I guess._

I picked up the quill and fiddled with it, twirling it around my fingers. I suddenly wasn't sure I should write anything at all. There were too many risks with writing these visions down. It would be too simple for Leliana's spies to snag the book when I am busy and read it.

I set aside the quill. First, I needed to find a good place to hide the journal if I was going to write in it. I considered my options. My room would not be a good place, for obvious reasons. Maybe the dusty lower library. I proved tonight that it is not often visited.

Even so, someone could easily find a hidden book and read it. _I wish I had some kind of code, or shorthand._

 **"Stupid spies…"**

I mumbled to myself without thinking and noticed I spoke in elvhen. _Hmmm. I wonder…_

I picked up the quill and stared at it. _I woke up speaking elvhen. Can I write in elvhen?_

Flipping to the first page of the journal, I stared at the blank page. _How do you just start writing in a different language? Ugh._

I flipped to the back of the journal, to the last page, opened the ink, and let the tip hover over the ink. I had never used a quill before, but how hard can it be?

 _Maybe if I think in elvhen?_ I shook my head and set down the quill. _This is so stupid. How am I even thinking this is possible?_

 _Well, you never know unless you try._

I glared at the feather, picked it up and dipped it into the ink. _Now, what to write?_

Staring at the blank page for a while, my mind could only come up with one random phrase to try. So I brought it to mind and focused on it, trying not to think too much so I didn't trip myself up.

 _Banal nadas._

When I lifted the quill away from the page, I saw I had written in symbols that I understood and looked foreign to me at the same time. I set down the quill again and just stared at it for a moment, before I let out a short nervous laugh.

 _This is so weird. Too weird. This is like sci-fi stuff. This shouldn't be possible._

I stared at the page for a few more moments, before regaining my composure. _Well, at least I have a way to write now, and the only person who would be able to really read it would be Solas._

I turned back to the front page, dipped the quill once again and started writing everything about the dream. I wrote names, described what I saw, detailed the pain of being shot and how the poison felt. Everything I could remember, until I was interrupted.

The scraping noise of a chair being moved drew my attention up to Varric, sliding into the seat next to me. I blinked at him, and then frowned when he waived forward the two Dalish I had seen him talking with earlier, who approached the table slowly.

"Echo, let me introduce you to my new friends. This is Tammen and Alamen. Apparently they came a long way just to talk to you! Boys, this is Echo, or Shae, as she normally goes by."

I glared at Varric, and he gave me a stubborn look right back. He turned a charismatic smile to the elves who were hovering back from the table.

"Have a seat! She doesn't bite. She might growl a bit…"

I narrowed my eyes further at him.

"Varric." There was a warning in my tone of voice, but he didn't look cowed in the slightest. He just shrugged innocently.

"What? You can talk to them can't you? It's common courtesy, Echo. And besides this isn't nearly as bad as Broody had it after I published The Tale of the Champion. At least they aren't swooning women."

I scowled, but turned and looked at the two men who were now warily sitting across from me. They were clearly twins with how identical their faces were. Their grey eyes, long noses, thin lips, and even stiff posture were mirrored in each other. There were a few differences that separated them.

"I am Tammen, and this is my brother Alamen. We were sent by our Keeper to see if what we heard was true. If you really are from Arlathan."

Tammen had short cropped black hair, and had dark blue lines of Dirthamen tattooed on his face, and daggers strapped to his back. Alamen had the same black hair, but it brushed his shoulders. He had a bow slung across his back, and his vallaslin was Falon'din. _I suppose that's appropriate._

Varric sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.

"Just a hint kid. If you're trying to get information from someone who is less than forthcoming, don't start by doubting their story. I know from experience that it doesn't always turn out the way you want it to."

"Is this elvhen writing?" Alamen spoke up suddenly, almost interrupting Varric.

Where his brother was serious and almost formal, Alamen sounded kind and curious. I stared at him for a moment, deciding what I should do. _I could just get up and leave. But I don't want to be that rude. I wish I actually had something to tell them._

"Yes."

"May I look at it?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, but he just gazed back at me, looking for all the world like he was just curious. I leaned back in my chair, unconsciously crossing my arms over my torso to shield myself. Then I waived at the book, silently inviting him to go ahead.

Alamen picked up the journal carefully, treating it like a precious artifact, and began flipping through the few pages I had filled with my dream. His brother looked intently over his shoulder, both of their grey eyes wide with interest.

"I only recognize a few of the symbols. We have an artifact that has some of these symbols at the clan, but their meaning has been lost to us."

He set the journal down in front of me again, and met my eyes.

"We want to learn from you, hahren. Your teachings would be invaluable to us."

I tried not to flinch at the name and sighed heavily, shifting in my chair. _Damnit Varric! This is what I was hoping to avoid!_

"Since you were talking to _Varric_ ," I snapped his name as I glared at him, "I assume you know how I came to be with the Inquisition."

Varric chuckled.

"Yes, I told them all about how you scared the shit out of us by falling out of a rift, and then we had to haul your ass back to Skyhold because you were unconscious for days. Personally, my favorite part of the story is when you woke up and- unarmed mind you- knocked out thirty of our soldiers while trying to get away."

My annoyed expression must have stopped his rant.

"That number is getting larger every time you tell this story, Varric."

He grinned and shrugged, taking a swig of his ale.

"What can I say? I'm a storyteller. I have to embellish or it just gets boring."

I rolled my eyes and looked back to Alamen.

"I can't remember much. I do not think I would be of any help to you."

"Yeah, I told them that too. Still wanted to talk to you though." Varric mumbled over the rim of his cup.

I put the cork back in the ink bottle, and closed up the journal, tying the leather strap around it. Alamen reached forward and tapped the cover, drawing my gaze back to him.

"There is still plenty we could learn from you, hahren. We have spent centuries searching for more of our history. Even learning one new piece of our past would mean everything to us."

He looked so earnest that I couldn't outright turn him down, at least not yet. I picked up my things and stood.

"I... will consider it. But you should not discredit your own culture. Arlathan was destroyed by our pride and arrogance. I'm not sure it is worthy of the idealism you view it with."

Both Tammen and Alamen's eyes widened slightly, shocked at my words. I turned before they could reply and walked away.

"Ah, she'll come around. She's nicer than she wants everyone to believe."

I shot another glare over my shoulder at Varric before I walked down the stairs and left the tavern, heading for my room.

* * *

 _ **"I won't let you die, Ma'vhenan."**_

I opened my eyes and cringed. I slowly gathered my shattered thoughts from the overwhelming emotions that stemmed from the dream. _At least I wasn't being tempted by a demon._

Rubbing the sleep from my face, I sat up and stretched, moaning at the popping that eased pressure in my bones and muscles. I dressed quickly and grabbed 'Tales of the Destruction of Thedas' from my table. I had finished it last night, after I had documented my dream, and wanted to find something new to read.

I walked outside, the light still barely brushing the sky, and smiled when I saw Sean doing the stretches I taught him in the training yard. I jogged over and set the book on a dry patch of grass, and joined him.

When we both were done stretching, he looked to me for direction on what to do next, yawning widely and struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Let's spar for a bit. Use the strikes I showed you."

We started sparring, unarmed, just using arms and legs. He was slow, but he had good form for it. I easily blocked him every time he moved forward, but he also managed to block some of my strikes. _I am going easy on him, but still, impressive._

"You're doing well Sean. I'm impressed."

"I'm definitely getting faster." He said, a little smug.

I nodded, smirking at his pleased expression.

"Yes. This will greatly improve your speed while you fling your giant sword about."

Sean chuckled at the imagery, shaking his head.

"Thanks for doing this, Shae."

He patted me on the back, and I walked over and picked the book up off the ground.

"It's no trouble."

We walked together into the main hall, where people were just beginning to move about. I sat at a table, and grabbed a few things for breakfast. Sean fell into the chair beside me, leaning heavily on the table.

"I would have thought that sparring would be enough to wake you up. Why are you so tired?"

He covered a yawn with his hand and then leaned his head on it heavily.

"Ugh. I haven't been sleeping well." He waived his other hand dismissively at my concern.

"You should take better care of yourself, Sean. You need your rest."

He shrugged, and closed his eyes.

"I know, I know. I'm the great illustrious leader and I need to be at my best."

I could hear the resignation in his tone for a moment, and I turned to face him.

"No. You need to rest because having you safe and healthy is more important. We may not be able to do this without you, but it will not be at your expense. You should talk to Josephine if you need to take a few days off. Get away from this for a while."

Sean had opened his eyes during my rant and just stared at me for a moment.

"Get away? I… don't know if I could do that while all this is going on."

"I know there are a lot of important things going on, but it doesn't have to be all on your shoulders. You are just a man, after all."

He laughed at that, but sobered quickly.

"Just a man. Sometimes I feel like I'm not allowed to be something so simple as a man."

He stood up from the table, and his eyes were heavy with the weight the titles of Herald and Inquisitor had placed on him. I stood and pulled him into a hug without thinking. He stiffened in my arms for a moment, but then hesitantly hugged me back.

"I see you. You aren't just a symbol, Sean."

He patted my back, and chuckled.

"Thanks, Shae. You're sweet... and small."

He put a hand on my head, which only came up to his chest, and ruffled my hair a little. I grumbled and shoved him back, and he laughed.

"Go away, you giant."

He laughed as he walked away. I watched as he was stopped by Mother Giselle, who was holding what looked like a letter. _Ah, time to meet Magister Pavus?_

I idly watched their conversation, but couldn't hear it over others in the hall, as I picked at my breakfast. Sean left, heading for the rotunda to presumably see Dorian, and I finished my meal. I was about to stand to go to the library to return the book, but a Dalish elf abruptly sat across from me.

I blinked at him for a moment. He looked to be around forty years old, with olive skin and bright green eyes. His hair was dark brown with silver coming in at his temples, and long enough to be braided back. He had Elgar'nan's vallaslin tattooed in brown across his face, and a mage's staff across his back.

 _Apparently I need to stop loitering at tables. Elves seem to pop up to question me._

"I am looking for Shae. The twins told me they met her last night."

He had a surprisingly deep voice, and the way he spoke was clipped and short with impatience. I bristled at his tone.

"I am Shae."

He stared at me for a moment, looking down his nose at me as his eyes looked over me, and I glared back at him.

"I am Roshan. My Keeper sent me here to learn of our history from you. Though I'm not sure I believe it. We know the vallaslin came from the time of Arlathan. What kind of ancient elf won't honor the creators?"

I couldn't help the angry sneer that curled my lip.

"Maybe one who actually remembers the creators."

He scoffed. I stood up and walked around him. _I'm not going to listen to you insult me, and yourself with the one thing I actually know about Arlathan._

As I walked around the table to brush past him, he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me to a stop. I glared at him.

"Get your hand off me."

"I came all this way to get answers. I won't let you just walk away."

I wrenched my arm away from him, struggling to not punch him in plain sight of all the nobles who were already gossiping about me.

"Touch me again, and I will kill you."

His eyes widened slightly at the threatening tone of my voice, but his eyes shifted to anger soon after. I turned and marched away from him, heading for the rotunda, and I could hear him following me.

"As if you could touch me. I am a skilled Elvhen mage, and you are just a rogue. Probably just a lying flat-ear."

I whirled in his face, moving quickly in my fury, and lightning jumped and danced on my arms as I grabbed him by his collar and shoved him against the wall. The little bolts of my magic jumped to his robe and gave off a singed smell as it left scorch marks on him. He stared at me angrily, shocked that I had easily shoved him back with my greater strength.

"You are sorely mistaken if you think I am just a rogue, _da'len_."

I spat the words at him, and then shoved back, controlling my mana and stopping the sparks flying off me. The whole hall had become quiet at my actions, but I ignored it and walked past him again to head for the rotunda. This time he didn't follow me.

I slipped into the room and shoved the door closed behind me. I dropped the book on Solas' couch and shook my hands, trying to ease my tension, as I paced.

 _Stupid Dalish and their smug know-it-all ways. Even if I was actually an ancient elf, I don't think I would give that guy anything. Stupid prick. Who does he think he is?_

I grumbled as I paced around. I turned to go back, but was stopped by hands on my shoulders. I looked up into Solas' face, his brows drawn at my antics. I shrugged his hands off and turned away from him. I was still slightly irate with him for intruding on my dream.

"What happened Shae?"

"Nothing." I automatically bit back.

"You're sparking."

I looked down at my hands and saw little sparks dancing between my fingers. _I don't know that I have ever been this angry before._

I sighed and focused on calming myself, watching as the sparks died down. I glanced over my shoulder. Solas had taken a step closer to me. I sighed.

 **"There are Dalish here."**

Solas walked around to stand in front of me.

 **"Ah, I had heard that. And they are here for you. Then I understand your reaction. I'm sorry that they are directing all of their attention to you."**

I smiled, but it was strained.

 **"Should I tell them where they can find a much more interesting ancient elf?"**

He chuckled.

 **"Please don't."**

I shook my head. _I never would, Solas._ He turned and walked back to his desk.

 **"Besides, I am not nearly as interesting as you."**

The way he said those words had heat spreading across my face.

 **"Ah, yes. Well… I need to return this,"** I held up Genetivi's book, **"and find something new. Any recommendations?"**

I smirked at him, and he smiled, and walked over to my side.

 **"I could probably recommend a few. Let me find them for you."**

I felt the blush spread further, as my escape plan backfired, but I fell into step beside him as we headed up the stairs.


	12. Chapter 12

Italics are internal thought  
Bold is Elven

Thank you to silentsum for editing this after I wanted to throw it out the window. And thank you to all my reviewers! Its so encouraging to hear that people are interested in how this all goes! It makes me so happy. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

* * *

"We need to talk, Shae."

I froze at those words. Those were never good words to hear. I turned slowly to face Sean, apprehension making me tense. _What was this about? Did he learn something about me?_

I had been hiding along the battlements above the garden, occasionally watching the Dalish move about their makeshift camp below. They had been interesting to watch, sitting around a brazier like it was a campfire, working on various projects throughout the day. I remained out of view so they wouldn't know I watched them. I had to admit to some curiosity. _I wish that I could talk with them about their culture, without having to return the favor._

I had spent the last several days avoiding them around Skyhold, and limiting myself to areas I knew they would not frequent. Today though, I had wandered up on the battlements to walk and had been drawn in watching them go about their day. The guards had been patrolling the wall behind me, so I hadn't paid any attention to the footsteps until Sean spoke.

"What do we need to talk about, Sean?" I kept my expression indifferent, against the flare of panic I felt at his words.

He studied me for a moment, tilting his head like a huge puppy. He glanced over the wall to see what I was looking at. At seeing the Dalish, he raised an eyebrow at me in silent question.

I shrugged, not willing to go into the complicated answer. After a moment of watching me, he shrugged as well, and sighed.

"The rift. What happened there. All of it."

I felt panic well up in my throat, but I shoved it back down. _How did I not expect this? Stupid! You are going to need to do better than that if you are going to survive this Shae._

I cleared my throat slightly, and looked away. _What could I tell him?_

"Come on. Solas wanted to discuss this as well. He is the Fade expert after all. Probably understand more of this craziness than I ever would."

Sean rolled his eyes and turned, expecting me to follow. At his words I had gone a little pale. _Solas. Shit! Think Shae! Come up with something._

I followed Sean slowly, not really paying much attention as I scoured my thoughts for a believable lie. _What could I tell them? Say I don't remember? That feels like a lame excuse, plus I have used it too often. Besides, with my reaction after I woke up again? I was acting terrorized. No, I have to tell them something. I had a nightmare? Maybe I can tell them the truth, but spin it as my own memories? Like I'm actually Lethanavir. Should I tell them that? That's getting a little too specific._

I contemplated all my options as we walked, keeping my head down. _Ok. Think. Worst case scenarios. They figure out the truth about me and kill me. Admittedly, that's not likely to happen. Second. They decide it's too dangerous to take me to rifts anymore, and I'm trapped here in Skyhold unable to help. That would be awful, but also manageable. Third would be that they decide that they will be careful in the future but keep sending me out, and Solas will probably want to keep me away from rifts. I suppose that would be the optimal situation here. But how can I make that happen?_

I hadn't been paying attention to where we were, so I almost walked into Sean's back when we reached the rotunda. I peeked around his shoulders and saw Solas sitting at his desk, pouring over his papers and books, like usual. Sean cleared his throat, and Solas looked up from his desk.

"Ah, Inquisitor, I see you found her."

Sean nodded as he walked over to Solas' couch and dropped heavily on it. He reached his arms up and stretched languidly, joints popping as he groaned. Then he sighed and relaxed, draping his long limbs all over the couch. I couldn't help but smirk at him. I walked over and perched on the arm of the couch opposite him, so I wouldn't get in his way.

Solas watched us for a moment, his fingers steepled together as he waited. No one spoke for a moment. And then Sean broke the silence. He pulled his head off the back of the couch, and leaned forward. He looked tense, as though he didn't look forward to this conversation. He turned and faced me.

"We wanted to give you some time. You looked…"

There was an awkward pause as he struggled for words.

"What the Inquisitor is trying to say, is that we meant to give you some distance after what was obviously a trying experience, but we do need to know what happened in Crestwood, Shae."

I sighed and crossed my arms. _What do I tell them?_

After a few awkward moments of silence, I saw Sean give Solas a pleading look out of the corner of my eye.

"Well, I suppose I'll start from the beginning." I decided to preempt any more appeals from them. I could at least fill Sean in on the parts I had already told Solas, and hopefully by the time I got to the rift I would have thought of a plan.

They listened closely as I told them about arriving in Crestwood, and the pain starting almost imperceptibly and then growing as we got closer. I told them my assumptions about it just being a headache, and how Solas had later suggested it might be connected to the rift. I walked them quickly through the rest, since they knew about my headache after Caer Bronach. And then I reached the rift.

I paused. _I don't know what to tell them._

I felt myself pale, and I clenched my fists. _All these lies and_ now _I'm drawing a blank?_

Sean shifted uncomfortably beside me, and Solas just watched, studying my face too closely for comfort. They were waiting for me. _Shit! I…_

"You should tell them."

Cole. It's the one time I don't jump at his sudden appearance. Sean does. Violently. He is practically off the couch before he realizes it's just Cole and settles back down.

"Truth terrifies, trembles. It can't be. It wants to be truth. Nellas. Ma'Vhenan."

"Stop!" I don't know when I started trembling, but my hands are clenched and shaking. My knuckles white. The memory started flashing in my mind as he spoke and I had to stop him.

"That didn't help. That was wrong. Let me try again?"

I stared at my clenched fists. No one else in the room moved or spoke, but I could feel both Solas and Sean watching all of this closely. I felt nauseous. This was too much, but I didn't say no. Cole seemed to take encouragement from that. He moved towards me and leaned forward, almost whispering in my ear.

"You are still you. The vision speaks of a different truth. It wants to be known. They will not be afraid. Telling them will help."

He leaned back slightly, smiled from under his floppy hat, and then he vanished. _I really need to clarify what 'in private' means._ _Of course, it's probably a part of his nature or something._ I sighed.

Glancing up again, I saw both Sean and Solas still watching me closely. They heard the whole exchange and probably had theories floating around in their heads. Especially Solas who was too smart for his own good. _Now I have to tell them the truth. Damn it, Cole._

"I… well… when you closed the rift Sean, I had a… memory. I remembered." I decided to try and pass them off as my own memories. _Solidifies my story, right? This can't, in any way, go horribly wrong._

Solas stood and walked around his desk to stand closer, his hands together behind his back.

"And you are sure it was a memory? Could it have been a manifestation of the Fade?"

I considered it, but the memory was too real. It didn't have the fuzzy edges or the fluid movement that I had come to know in the Fade.

"Yes, I'm sure. It was vivid. Sharp. And it lacked adaptability."

Sean shifted, leaning forward with his chin cupped in his hands and elbow on his knees.

"What did you see?" He was obviously interested. A glance at Solas showed that he was curious as well.

I sighed again and rubbed at my forehead. _How do I explain this?_

"I saw…" I looked over Solas shoulder at the opposite wall, and my eyes lost their focus as they turned back to her. _Lethanavir._

"Lethanavir? What's that mean?" Sean asked.

I bit my lip and looked at the floor. I hadn't realized I had spoken aloud. _This whole thing is just going so well. Wonderful._

I hesitated, not making any eye contact with either of them.

"It's a name." I sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I remembered… the battle where I... died."

I swallowed heavily as it seemed like the words stuck in my throat. My gaze drifted to the wall behind Solas again, and I let the memory come to the forefront again. And yet I still lied.

"I was part of a company led by Lethanavir. We were on a field before Arlathan, preparing for battle. And then it started. I could see the fighting, thousands of people throwing themselves into the bloody conflict. Magic lit up the sky. I was shot."

My hand went up to touch the spots on my shirt that hid my scars.

"They were poisoned arrows, and we did not have an antidote, nor were the healers among us able to heal it without significant time. Time that we didn't have. I told them to leave me."

Sean leaned closer towards me, interested in the story.

"What happened?"

"Nel… One of my companions left the battle, carrying me out through an eluvian. That is where it ended."

I stared down at my hands. _Why didn't I say his name?_

"Wow." I glanced at Sean. He was shaking his head, his eyes unfocused as he considered my story. "That's fascinating. What's an eluvian? And what battle was this? Why were you fighting?"

"I believe I can answer a few of your questions here, Inquisitor."

I threw Solas a relieved glance, and resumed my staring contest with the floor.

I listened as Solas vaguely explained eluvians, and answered a few other questions. Some he waved off as lost knowledge.

"What did Cole say earlier? Nellas? Mavanan? Mavenen? What does that mean?"

Solas hesitated a moment, and then opened his mouth to speak, but I interrupted his comment.

"Nellas is the name of the companion who carried me away from the battle. And 'ma'vhenan' is an endearment. It means my heart."

My voice sounded detached and stiff. I tried to relax, shaking my head slightly to clear my thoughts.

"Oh." _What an underwhelming response, Sean._

"Well, I would theorize that the memory came back to you through your direct interaction with the Fade. I believe that you may regain more of these memories if you continue to approach the rifts."

Solas spoke with his normal academic consideration. He moved back to his desk and sat down, once again steepling his fingers.

"If I continue?" _I was hoping they wouldn't consider this option, but who am I kidding? I would consider this option if I was in their place._

Sean nodded, looking at me with his brow scrunched up in worry.

"You're a valuable asset in a fight, Shae. But you collapsed and were unconscious for several hours. It may not be safe to take you near rifts if this is going to be a regular thing. And since that's our primary goal when we go anywhere…" He let that thought speak for itself, and shrugged.

I couldn't help the scowl on my face. I understood that passing out would make me a huge liability, but I wasn't going to be happy about being left behind. Surprisingly, Solas was the one who jumped to suggest a compromise.

"What if we were to test this further? It could be that she only fell unconscious because she was unprepared for the memory to return. If she could be mentally prepared before facing a rift, it might lessen the effects."

I felt a glimmer of hope at those words. I never expected Solas to be the one to fight for me. And I was confident that he could convince Sean to let me continue, if that's what he thought was best.

"How would we test that, exactly?" Sean asked.

"Simple. We would travel to other rifts and see how she is affected. If it is something where she is able to remain conscious, I see no reason to prevent her from accompanying you on your excursions."

Sean looked a little flabbergasted. _If I had to guess, I would say Solas is the one who pushed for this little intervention. And now Sean can't figure out why he suddenly switched to my side._

"But why? If it obviously causes her pain?"

Solas had the look of a disappointed teacher when a student doesn't understand the lesson. I nearly rolled my eyes as well.

"If she has an opportunity to regain some of her memories, I believe she should have the chance to do so. Unless you don't want to recover them?" Solas looked at me, his eyes looking for something in my expression, but I couldn't tell what.

I hesitated. _Yes, I want to continue to help the Inquisition. But do I want to get more of these visions? I don't even know what they mean. I guess they are valuable. And this probably helps solidify my whole ancient elf story. I have things I can tell people if I really need to. I would rather not, but in worst case scenarios._

"I would like to try." I nodded to Solas, who smiled and we both turned to Sean. He looked back and forth between us for a moment, before meeting my eyes.

"You're sure about this? I don't want you to get hurt."

I smirked, and slid off the arm of the couch to sit next to him and put my hand on his arm.

"I appreciate the concern Sean. But I would always rather know the truth, than be left in the dark."

His lips quirked in an unsure smile, but he nodded.

"Alright. Well," He turned back to Solas. "What do you suggest then? I am going to the Western Approach in a few days to find the Grey Wardens. I wasn't going to bring you two this time. Besides I don't know that I would recommend it for that area. From the reports I have been receiving, it's pretty overrun with Venatori, and even darkspawn in areas." He rubbed the stubble on his chin as he considered.

"What of that elven temple we were discussing? The scroll you procured gave us some information on the area and we need to get some scouts out there. Let Shae and I go with them. We will help them map the area, and we will experiment with any rifts we encounter."

"Won't that be dangerous? I won't be there to close the rifts."

"I doubt we need to close them to trigger a memory. But if that is the case then we can just wait for you to join us later. The area indicated on the map is not too far from the Western Approach."

Sean groaned, as though he hated the idea.

"Those shards? I hate those things. Glowing through skulls and ringing in my ears. There is probably nothing out there you know."

Solas smirked at him.

"It is always worth investigating. Besides, there isn't much else for us to do while you are off galavanting through the Western Approach."

Sean eyed Solas speculatively.

"That's a lie, and you know it." He sighed. "Fine. But I want you to take…" He stared up into the tower for a moment, thinking about his options. "Iron Bull and Varric with you. I want you to have more support in case of any danger."

Solas nodded once to acknowledge his words. Sean leaned heavily back into the couch, relaxing for a moment as he yawned.

"Now I have to go talk to Dorian, Leliana, Bull, Varric, and Cullen." He seemed to be making a mental checklist for himself.

"How did your trip to the Hinterlands go?" I asked.

Sean glanced at me, and then his eyes darted up to where Dorian would be in the library. He glanced back at me and then looked away. I watched as a faint blush spread on his cheeks.

"Alright. Just got some things taken care of for Dorian. Not much happened."

I smirked. _So he hadn't talked to Dorian yet about it? They did just get back last night. So I suppose it's now. The first kiss._

I wanted to sneak up into the library to spy on them. But that would be a little voyeuristic for my tastes. Maybe I could sit here and listen. _Still kinda creepy, Shae._

Sean stood up from the couch and headed for the stairs, waving as he left. I leaned back on the couch, and threw an arm over my eyes. Telling that story had been surprisingly trying on my emotions.

I heard the soft rustle of fabric and approaching footsteps, and then the couch sinking slightly as his weight settled beside me.

" **Shae, is there anything else?"**

I moved my arm and turned my head to him. He was looking at me intently, his eyes filled with something I didn't understand. Solas was so hard to get a read on sometimes. Now was no different.

 _Should I tell him that I was Lethanavir in the memory?_ I stared back at him for a moment. _No, I don't want to be associated with some leader from that time. Besides, I only saw it through her eyes. It's not like I have any insight into who she was._

I brushed aside my small doubts that lingered in my mind. The placement of the scars, her voice, her fighting. I shook my head.

" **No, Solas. I will tell you if there is anything else."**

He watched me for a moment longer, before nodding and standing up, wandering back to his desk.

" **We should prepare for our trip soon. I know Scout Harding was planning on leaving for that area within a few days. Before the Inquisitor left for the Western Approach. You should prepare for travel. It will be a long journey."**

* * *

I was packed and ready before I went to bed. We would be leaving in the morning. Harding and four other scouts, plus Iron Bull, Varric, Solas, and myself. It should be an interesting trip. Sean had designated Solas the leader of this little expedition, since it was mostly his idea anyway. And Solas had conferred with Harding, deciding they would leave two days after our little conversation in the rotunda. It was two more days of skirting the Dalish and hiding around Skyhold. I was ready to leave as soon as possible.

I was reading in bed, waiting to be tired enough to sleep, when I heard a knock at the door. I dropped my book on my chest, and felt great annoyance at whoever was knocking at this late hour. I got out of bed, grumbling all the while, and threw open the door. The scout on the other side was surprised and his eyes blew wide at my sudden appearance.

"What?"

He just stood there, staring. I crossed my arms, and stuck out a hip, remembering that I was just wearing that large sleeping shirt again. I sighed.

"Unless you are here for more pleasurable pursuits, which I would have to respectfully decline, I recommend you deliver your message and go."

The man sputtered for a moment, going very red in the face. He bowed shortly before me.

"Lady Montilyet asks that you meet with her tonight before you retire. She has important information to discuss with you before you leave in the morning."

And with that, the red faced man turned on his heel and walked stiffly down the hall away from me. I watched him go for a moment, before closing my door.

 _What does Josephine need so late? I suppose it wouldn't really work to meet her in the morning. We will be leaving first thing._

I groaned in irritation and gathered my clothes again. I pulled on my pants and traded the loose shirt for one more appropriate. Once presentable, I stepped out and found my way to Josephine's office. I pushed open the door and stepped inside to find three very tired looking advisors, and one exhausted and annoyed Sean.

I was surprised and immediately tense. _What are they all doing in here so late? What does this have to do with me?_

"This is stupid. We should just wait until they get back to go over all this political bullshit." Sean muttered. He ran a hand over his face. Cullen looked like he couldn't agree more, but Leliana's eyes flashed, and Josephine pursed her lips.

"Gentlemen, this is very important. And it gives us more time to prepare."

"Right, like she'll even agree to go." Sean turned his gaze to me.

"Is someone going to fill me in? Or are we just going to talk circles around me?"

Sean put his head in his hands, looking utterly defeated.

"You are going to hate it." He almost whined.

Josephine gave an exasperated sigh.

"You have heard about the circumstances with the peace talks between Empress Celene and Grand Duke Gaspard, yes? From the Inquisitors experience in Redcliff, we found out that Corypheus plans to assassinate Empress Celene and throw Orlais into chaos. We planned to attend the ball and stop that from happening, of course. We have already obtained invitations to accompany the Grand Duke." I was already shaking my head.

"You don't need me. Send someone more familiar with the politics and grandstanding. There are plenty of others who will do. I will not be a part of it."

All of them shifted uncomfortably, except Leliana, whose eyes were sparkling darkly in the shadows cast by her hood and the dancing fire.

"You may not have a choice." Leliana spoke sharply. "We received an invitation today, specifically requesting your presence as a guest of the Empress."

 _What?_

 _ **What?**_

"What? Why?" I looked around at each of them in horror and saw varying degrees of pity.

Josephine sighed and shuffled some papers around on her desk.

"Empress Celene has always had a… strange relationship with the elves." I almost bristled at that. I remembered her relationships and what that meant. "She apparently heard that you were here, an elf from the time of Arlathan, and she is... interested in meeting you. And it would be very beneficial for the Inquisition to gain favor with the court."

I stared in shock at her. _This whole thing was the worst idea ever. I should have told them I was a city elf, a mercenary, an isolationist who grew up speaking only elven. Anything else. This was becoming too tangled._

"No." Anger toned my voice, and I clenched my jaw so hard it hurt. I saw both Josephine and Leliana open their mouths to speak, but my hand slashed through the air to cut them off.

"No. I won't dance to your shemlen politics just because an Empress wants to meet the fascinating new elf." I turned to storm out, but then I whipped back, furious at the situation. "My story is not some commodity for you to sell for power and affluence! I am not a political pawn in your schemes. Leave me out of this!"

And with that, I quickly left the room.

 _Shit! This is a nightmare! They want me in that stupid ball? That's the worst idea they have ever had._

I moved through the hall and onto the steps leading outside before a hand caught my shoulder and pulled me to a stop. I turned to glare at Sean. He was looking a little sheepish, but he gestured me to the table where Varric usually sat, and I settled reluctantly across from him. Though I was still glaring fiercely.

"I'm sorry, Shae. We weren't trying to use you. Well, some of us weren't." He scowled a little at that. "I actually was trying to talk them out of it. Honestly, I don't think you would do well at court. Possibly even be detrimental to our cause. No offense."

I couldn't help the laugh that burst from me then. His saying that actually made me feel a little better about it all. But I still wasn't going.

"Josephine and Leliana seem convinced that refusing to attend would be a great insult. Which I am aware of. Growing up, I think the first lesson they taught us was that turning down an Empress was a huge blunder. But still. She invited you as an individual, not as part of the Inquisition. So you could turn her down, and it _may_ not reflect poorly on the Inquisition. But it might. Those two," He jerked his thumb in the direction of Josephine's office, "are convinced that it would be the gravest insult and injure our chances of even getting into the ball, not to mention crippling us politically."

Sean was rambling at this point, so I held up a hand to stop him.

"Sean. I do not want to do this."

He sighed heavily.

"I know. Me either, honestly. You know the Orlesians are going to be fawning all over me, while insulting me behind my back where I can hear them. I hate parties." He glowered at the table, running his fingers over a knot in the grain.

I was silent for a while, just watching him. He was surprisingly patient while I thought about it.

 _There is nothing that makes me want to go to Halamshiral. Even in the games, that place was awful. Elves murdered in droves, Celene looking on as her palace is coated in blood, Gaspard getting drunk while his men fumble about to try and make a move, and Briala thinking she is above it all while she betrays her own people. Not to mention the insult of Halamshiral itself, taken from the elves along with the Dales. The Orlesians and their clever worded insults that were disguised as compliments. The whole thing was dripping corruption._

"Who were you planning on taking with you?"

Sean looked surprised at the sudden question. But then he got a sly smile on his face.

"Why? Do you have a specific request?"

I rolled my eyes, and then just glared at him pointedly. He groaned.

"Alright! I had really only decided on Dorian." He flushed a little and glanced away. "I was thinking Varric, because he would be popular with his books. Maybe Vivienne, but she might outmaneuver me and make _herself_ Empress or something. Bull is too Qunari, Cole is too spirit, Sera would probably murder or prank every noble she sees, and Blackwall already told me that if I bring him we are no longer friends. Cassandra has potential, but would hate it. And I didn't think Solas would want to come, because… well, he would be assumed a servant."

He almost deflated after that long explanation.

"I might recommend Solas. He is better at politics and observation than you would think. But honestly any of them would do just fine and I don't think anyone would enjoy it. Except maybe Vivienne"

He watched me as I spoke, honestly considering what I said. I folded my hands and stared down at them. _I could help._

 _Stupid, traitorous, guilt ridden emotions!_

"Ugh." I buried my face in my hands. "I will only go on one condition."

I peeked through my fingers to see Sean perk up, looking surprised.

"Anything." He nodded, already agreeing, just to get me to go. I smirked and shook my head. _Bad idea to agree before you know what you are getting into Sean._

"I will go on my terms only. I will dress how I want. I will not dance. I will not be given etiquette lessons, or other such nonsense. The Empress invited me. She will get me. I will not be an embarrassment to the Inquisition. But neither will I allow your advisors to try to train me how to act. I know enough about Orlais to be able to manage. And I will find a suitable outfit. But I will not," I pointed a finger in his face to emphasise my point, "let them try to turn me into an 'acceptable elf' for their party. Understood?"

Sean stared, then looked a little nervous.

"Ah… I don't know if Josephine or Leliana will approve of that. You see the Game is a matter of life…"

"I don't care, Sean. I am older than all of you put together. I will not be taught how to behave in court like some child. I have been in places you could never dream of." _Technically true._ "I will go on my terms, or you can have Josephine write a rejection letter to the Empress. I certainly won't write it. So I suppose it's up to you."

With that I stood up from the table and left the hall. Sean would let me know what they decided.

I wandered back to my room, changed back into my comfortable sleeping shirt, and collapsed in my bed, suddenly exhausted enough to fall right asleep.

* * *

 _Fire. Smoke. Blood on my hands. No! NO!_

I jerked up in the bed, and my eyes darted around the dark room, looking for whatever threat my brain had perceived. When I saw none, I moaned and flopped back down on the bed willing my racing heart to slow. That nightmare just wouldn't leave me alone. _At least this time there was no demon._

But the dream was different. This time I had watched the usual scene, the house burning before me, but then I had looked down and my hands were dripping with blood. It was running in rivulets down my arms. I was soaked. And in my hands were two black blades, the same blades I saw Lethanavir wield in the memory. I had felt an overwhelming sense of sorrow and rage at the sight of those blades. But I didn't know why.

I shuddered and rubbed my hands over my arms, trying to ease my sudden anxiety. I glanced at the window, noticing the early hour by the lack of light in the sky. I was wide awake though, I wouldn't be able to sleep after that.

I got up, and decided I would do some yoga in the open space on my floor. There wasn't much room, but I could make do. I spent about an hour going through the poses, working up from lighter stretches into more complex positions that made my muscles shake. Once there was a faint hint of light coming through my window, I stopped. I dressed quickly, and reached under my mattress to grab my journal. I would bring it with me. I had finished writing out every detail I could remember from the dream, except that I was watching from Lethanavir's eyes. That I would leave out, in case of others reading it.

I shoved the journal in my bag, and left the room. The chill still lingered outside, and the grass was frosted over beneath my bare feet. I stared down at them for a moment, wondering why that didn't bother me. I shrugged.

I walked over to the stables and saw the same very pale elf preparing Da'asha for travel. I smiled and walked over beside him.

"Good morning."

He jerked and whirled around, staring at me and turning bright red. I chuckled a little as Da'asha shoved past him to get to me, causing him to stumble as she snuffled at me, blowing air hotly in my face.

"Good morning to you too, Da'asha." I patted her neck.

The man continued to stare.

"I'm Shae."

He blinked and went even redder. I would have compared his color to a bright tomato. I was just about to speak again, maybe tell him it's ok or something, when he seemed to work through his daze.

"...I'm Telban."

His voice was quiet, and rough, like his throat was sore. I smiled at him.

"Pleased to meet you, Telban. Anyone who is a friend of Da'asha is a friend of mine."

He smiled shyly back at me and continued gathering tack and saddle, working around Da'asha's new position.

"What is it that you call her?"

"Hmmm? Da'asha? It means 'Little woman.'" I stroked down her nose and she lifted her head over my shoulder and rested there, like a hug. Telban smiled at that.

"I like that. We don't name 'em, usually. But it fits." He patted her flank, while he watched me.

"So, Telban. How long have you been with the Inquisition?"

"Ah, about a year. I joined when Master Dennett did."

"And where are you from?"

He looked a little wary at my questions, but shrugged and answered anyway.

"I'm originally from Kirkwall. Was there during the Qunari attack. I left when the stuff with the mages and templars was gettin' bad. I was lucky I got out early."

I nodded. _So a city elf from Kirkwall. Interesting._

We were silent for a moment as he worked.

"Are you really from Arlathan?" He spoke rushed, as though afraid to ask. His accent made his pronunciation a little off. I gave him a small smile.

"Yes. I am." I looked back to Da'asha, if only to avoid his staring.

"Wow. You must be really old." He said, and then immediately a look of horror dawned on his face as he realized what he said. I laughed aloud and he fidgeted.

"Yes, Telban. I am old." I was still smiling, but I sighed.

"I'm sorry, serah. I didn't mean it like that."

"I know. Don't worry about it. It's the truth." I shook my head, chuckling. He bowed awkwardly and mumbled something about preparing other horses, and trotted off into the stables.

I tied my pack to the saddle and led her over to the gate. I leaned against her side as I watched the sun rise over the mountain. Da'asha seemed content to graze on the light dusting of grass where we stood.

It wasn't too long before others started to join us. Bull turned up first, yawning and talking to Krem about instructions for while he was away. Varric trailed over shortly after, stuffing a stack of papers in his bag, and grumbling about authors traveling. Harding and her scouts were grouped together over a map, talking quietly amongst themselves as they pointed out paths and discussed travel. Solas wandered in a little later, looking tired. They were all preparing their mounts when Sean came trotting down the stairs and right up to me.

"I'm glad I caught you. I managed to talk Leliana and Josephine into letting you do this your way. They weren't pleased about it at all. But they'll live." He dropped a heavy coin purse in my hand.

"What's this for?" I eyed it, and him speculatively.

"Well, if you are going to dress yourself, Leliana said we should at least give you the funds to properly do it. This will pay for pretty much any tailor you can find."

"So she doesn't want me to be embarrassingly underdressed?"

Sean nodded and sighed.

"Also… I get the feeling you aren't going to like this part…" He glanced over his shoulder and I noticed two figures walking down the steps behind him. It was Tammen and Alamen. They were outfitted for a journey.

I glared at Sean.

"I know, I know. I didn't want to push this on you. But they were getting pushy too. And Josephine is pushing for an alliance with them. Everyone's pushy! It's just the two of them. They are most useful, and seem to be some of the nicer ones. And the Dalish are the best scouts. This was a compromise since you are avoiding them."

I scowled, as I glanced back at them. They were watching all of us as we prepared. _At least they are nicer than that last one I met._ I sighed heavily.

"I make no promises to talk to them, Sean."

He nodded.

"Of course."

He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed, smiling. And then he turned and walked over to talk to Harding and Solas together, since they were leading this expedition.

I grimaced and looked back to the twins. They had gone into the stable and led out two beautiful grey harts, and mounted them bareback.

 _Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Those two are nice. Or Alamen was nice, and Tammen wasn't rude. I can make this work. Of course, Solas is along too. And he hates the Dalish._

I looked at Solas and saw him looking at the Dalish twins with narrowed eyes. I sighed. This was going to be a much longer trip than Crestwood was. That was one long day of travel there and back. But it would take us seven days to get to the Forbidden Oasis. Not that any one else was calling it that yet.

I didn't notice I was still watching Solas as my thoughts sorted themselves, until he turned and noticed me watching him. He smiled. It was soft, and tired. But it had warmth fluttering in my chest. I smiled back at him, and turned, mounting Da'asha.

 _This is going to be a long trip._


	13. Chapter 13

Italics are internal thought

Bold is elven

Thank you to silentsum for editing! Also thank you for the support I have received for this! Its so encouraging to hear that people are enjoying what I write. :)

Im on tumblr as the-hidden-1

* * *

The first two days of travel were pretty uneventful. Just travel, make camp, cook something bland to eat, sleep, and in the morning repeat. I had for the most part kept to myself. Mostly because any time that I spoke, Tammen and Alamen listened to my words with rapt attention. It made me uncomfortable, so I withdrew from them.

Iron Bull and Varric often chatted with the other scouts in the party, and I gleaned some of their stories by eavesdropping. Other than Harding, there were four other scouts along with us.

"Hey Luc. You're from Orlais right? Orlesian?" Bull asked.

The man just grunted in reply. An Orlesian mercenary, Luc Urbain had joined the Inquisition at Haven, and was quite a skilled warrior. He was tall and slim, with dark hair that brushed his jawline, rough stubble constantly on his cheeks, and dark eyes that portrayed an unbearable sadness. For all their prying, neither Varric nor Bull could uncover the man's full story. Just half hints of a purpose he found with the Inquisition.

"What the hell is with the Orlesian masks?" Bull wasn't deterred by Luc's disdain for speaking.

When there was no response from Luc, Marden spoke up.

"Actually the Orlesian's use the masks as a way to show their status among the nobility or even the middle class. The noble houses have masks that are inherited through each generation, and they each have a specific design and style. It's all very interesting."

Marden Norris was a huge man, standing almost as tall as Bull, and half as wide, with cropped brown hair and a clean shaven face. But he had the temperament of a scholar and tended to ramble about his interests. He was curious about everything and had eagerly joined the Inquisition with the other mages from Redcliff. But he had approached Leliana, asking if he could help in some other way. He wanted to see the world that he had been denied in the circle. And Leliana had, of course, welcomed him into her scouts with little hesitation and some training.

"Oh, shut it, Marden! Nobody cares!" Lamaya yelled from her horse, where she was using a dagger to clean her nails.

"Hey, he asked!" Marden griped back at her, looking sullen.

Limaya was a city elf from Denerim's Alienage. She had a fiery temper belied her small stature. She was a rogue of great skill, carrying both daggers and a bow. Limaya had been recruited as a scout right when she walked through Skyhold's gate with a group of elves looking to join the Inquisition. Apparently Leliana saw something in her that she could use. She was very beautiful, with dark skin, long black hair that was always tied up in a bun, and pretty green eyes. I got the impression that she did not welcome any attention for it though.

The last member, and the one that Varric seemed to get along the most with, was Rhagrand Branarek, or Rand as he preferred. He was a surfacer dwarf from Starkhaven who also had ties with the Dwarven Merchants Guild, though not so highly connected as Varric. A younger son, he had simply been looking for an excuse to leave his house for a while, tired of the backwards politics of the Dwarven surfacers. So he joined the Inquisition. Rand was very serious, and proud. He didn't waste words on anything, but when he did get to talking, he was as opinionated as any dwarf. He had his hair cut very short, and a well trimmed goatee, and steely blue eyes.

I had listened to all I could with interest. I wish I could quiz these people on their stories, and why they joined, and who they were. But I wouldn't. I wouldn't be able to answer any of their returned questions myself. So I would not ask them to share when I would not.

But Varric was, of course, determined to involve everyone in conversation. Thankfully, when he did direct a question or comment to me, it was never pertaining to my past. Even so, with questions like 'What is my favorite ale?,' 'Who would win in a fight between Solas, Dorian, and Vivienne?,' and 'What do I think of Orlesian politics?,' which is how the current conversation was started. Tammen and Alamen would cease their talking and listen closely whenever I actually spoke. It was worse when I spoke to Solas, as we usually did so in elven.

By the third day of travel I was frustrated. We were going through the Exalted Plains, skirting around the problem areas where the civil war was focused. I was feeling a little lonely, to be honest. I wanted to talk to everyone. To just be a normal person, not some ancient elf from a time long gone.

We stopped at Verchiel for the night, and in the morning we would hire a ferry to cross the river and make our way to Velun. From there we would have to continue on foot, as we would not be able to carry the supplies needed to feed our horses in the desert. I didn't look forward to leaving Da'asha behind. She was a constant comfort and friend, but I also knew that the Western Approach would be very dangerous, and we were passing straight through it. She would be safe in Velun until we got back.

We rode into the city just as the sun was setting, and quickly found a inn, that was also a lively tavern. For an Orlesian establishment, it was surprisingly lacking in ornate finery, at least from the outside. It looked warm and welcoming after our long day of travel.

"Ah. This makes me miss the Hanged Man. Nothing like a shithole to make you think of home." Varric chuckled, smiling at Rand beside him, who nodded.

There was a large stable attached to the building, and at our stop, three young elves came scrambling out of it. They bowed politely and then rambled off in Orlesian. Luc conversed with them for a moment, before he gestured for them to take our mounts. Luc gave them a small handful of coins, and then said something in a threatening voice that had all three boys bowing again, looking nervous. Probably something like ' _Take good care of them, or else.'_

The smallest one ran over to me first, and I handed him the reigns. I smiled at him when I caught his eye and snuck a few extra coppers into his hand when no one was watching.

"Take extra care of her for me?" I whispered to him.

His eyes widened at the extra coin, and he nodded, pocketing it quickly. I had no doubt that they were normally not allowed to keep most of the coin for themselves. And as the smallest of the stable hands, he probably got the least of the day's earnings as it was. He grinned at me, and led Da'asha away.

I stood there for a moment, not ready to follow the others into the noisy din of the tavern. I looked around the street, seeing bustling people closing out their day as the sun was sinking below the horizon. I saw Solas standing still as well, seeming to take joy in the quiet as everyone else filtered inside. He stood tall and straight, confident. My eyes drifted over the lines of him, and I suddenly wanted to draw his face.

He turned and caught me staring and I offered him a small smile. I tilted my head towards the door, and he sighed and nodded. Our silent conversation betraying our reluctance to leave the moment of peace we had found in the fading light.

Solas pulled open the door for me, and I smiled at him in thanks as I walked inside. I was hit with the familiar stench of sour ale, sweat, and general body odor. I couldn't help but wrinkle my nose at it. Solas chuckled beside me, watching my face. I glared at him with no real anger, and shook my head.

Harding walked over to us, the rest of the group forming a loose circle so we could speak.

"I've made arrangements for rooms. They had three available rooms. So the women will share, and the men will split up four in each room. Any problems with that?"

Luc glared at the floor but that was pretty much just his normal face. The twins, Tammen and Alamen, looked at each other briefly, but nodded. _I bet they were considering camping outside the city for the night._

No one else even looked bothered by the idea. There was a short conversation among the men about sleeping arrangements. It was finally decided that Bull, Rand, Varric and Luc would be in one room, while Solas, Marden, Tammen and Alamen would be in the other.

We split up to settle and find our rooms. I followed Harding and Lamaya up the steps and down a narrow hallway with scattered doors on either side. It was a rather large inn. They had at least eight rooms from what I could see. Which was impressive considering I knew the one in Redcliff only had two rooms.

Harding opened one of the doors and slipped inside. There was one large bed pushed up against the wall, a dresser with a washbasin and mirror atop it, and a small couch by the window. I immediately went to the couch and dropped my bag on it.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have the bed Shae? I'm shorter than you, obviously, being a dwarf and all. I wouldn't mind sleeping there."

I smiled at her. Harding and I had become friends over the last few days. She gave me the relief of easy banter and even easier questions. She never asked about my past, just inquired about my interests or skills.

"I would prefer this actually. I am not really one to share a bed."

Lamaya snickered.

"Bet ya woulda if that bald mage was inviting ya, huh?"

I rolled my eyes and began sorting through my pack, ignoring her snickers behind me.

"Lamaya! Be polite!" She scolded gently, but then she grinned at me. "It's not nice to point out people's infatuations."

I shot a glare over my shoulder at her.

"What? I'm defending you!"

"Right." I chuckled and turned back to my bag. I began pulling out the blanket that I would use on the couch, and my journal. I had taken to writing in it often, thoughts and drawings to go along with my thoughts. _I may not write in it tonight though._

"Well, I'm gonna get some food. You paid fer dinner, right?" Lamaya sent a pleading look to Harding who laughed.

"Yes! You ungrateful… I paid for dinner for all of us already. Now Shae, that means you have to eat tonight." She cast another look my way and I tried to ignore the undertone of concern in her voice.

I had been skipping a few meals. It hadn't really been a plan. I just lost my appetite. Solas had been gently prodding me everyday to eat something. It just didn't settle well in my stomach. _I think it's stress. After all, I did just get guilt tripped into agreeing to the invite to Halamshiral._

Even thinking about it made my stomach twist, but I resolved to put it from my mind. I would enjoy the night, eating good food and sleeping on a couch. _Hopefully it's better than tasteless oatmeal and a tent._

Harding left the heavy room key with me, and followed Lamaya back out into the tavern. I checked the room. It was relatively clean. Clean enough, at least. I took my time, and poured a little water from a pitcher into the washbasin and splashed some of it on my face, cleaning off the dust from the road. Feeling much better, I left the room, and locked the door behind me. I wandered down into the tavern and stopped in the doorway.

Looking into the large room, I noticed most of my companions sitting at a large table in the center. They were eating the dinner the inn provided, some kind of stew and a thick slice of bread. They were loud, and already obnoxious. Probably due to Bull and Varric's presence. As I watched Varric whipped out a deck of well loved cards and convinced everyone to give him a chance to steal their money. I chuckled at their excitement, which I could feel even from over here.

As I was about to approach the bar and ask for my own stew, I saw Tammen and Alamen sitting by themselves in a corner. They were talking quietly to each other, eyeing the humans that overwhelmed the room. I liked them. I really did. Traveling with them had revealed that while they did have a tiny superiority complex, they were kind.

The man behind the bar looked me over while he passed my dinner over. It was a beef stew. Something warm and hearty. I took my stew and walked over to the twins table. I didn't hesitate or think about it. I just sat down beside Alamen.

Who looked very shocked. Tammen too.

I started eating without looking at them, just trying to enjoy my food. It still wasn't very appealing, but I knew I needed the sustenance.

"Ha'hren?" Alamen asked hesitantly.

My spoon froze about halfway to my mouth, and with a sigh I dropped it back in the bowl. I tiredly massaged my forehead.

"I wish you wouldn't call me that."

"But, it means…" Alamen started, but I held up a hand.

"I know what it means. I am not your teacher. I may be your elder but…" I shook my head. "Please, just call me Shae."

Picking up my spoon again, I continued eating. I knew they were staring at me, but I just ignored their baffled looks for now and just ate with them. Eventually they turned to their own meals as well. I finished only slightly more than half of the meal and then pushed the bowl away from me, leaning back in my chair.

Tammen and Alamen were both casting glances at me constantly, as though afraid I would be offended by their curious looks.

"So, where are you two from?"

They both faced me, and then glanced at each other. It almost made me laugh. They were so concerned about getting information from me that they weren't sure how to treat me if I actually spoke to them.

"We are from the Ralaferin Clan. We spent most of our time in Eastern Ferelden. Near the Brecelian Forest." Alamen answered smoothly after a moment. Tammen raised his eyebrows at his brother.

"And you hunt for the clan?"

Alamen nodded, but Tammen spoke up, his eyes a little uncomfortable.

"I apologize, ha'hren, but you won't tell us anything of your life, but now you are asking of ours?"

I felt my lips twitch in amusement. _Isn't that just the truth of it?_ Glancing at Alamen out of the corner of my eye showed that he winced at Tammen's statement and looked at his hands on the table.

"I understand your discomfort. I am often approached by strangers asking me to share the few precious memories of my life that I can remember, and they are not willing to share in return. I suppose getting to know one another in a mutual exchange of knowledge is too much to ask these days."

I stood from the table, and picked up my bowl. I wasn't angry at him, and my calm demeanor and easy tone showed that. As I said, I knew exactly where he was coming from. It was my entire life these days.

As I started to walk away from the table, I heard the chair scrape loudly behind me and Tammen darted around to block my path, a small amount of panic showing in his eyes.

"Ir abelas, ha'hren. I misspoke." He bowed his head low and waited for my reply. I sighed heavily. _These men should not be bowing to me, much less calling me teacher._

"Please, stop calling me ha'hren. And I won't push you to tell me anything you are uncomfortable with, Tammen. I just wanted to know you both a little better."

Tammen straightened and smiled at me. It made his normally serious face very handsome. He gestured back at the table with his eyebrows raised in silent invitation. I considered him for a moment before turning back to the table and settling back in my chair. _What am I doing?_

I didn't give myself time to regret my decision.

"So tell me of tell me of the Dalish. I have read a few things, but as evident by what the books say about Arlathan, I really have no doubts that they are mostly incorrect."

They blinked at me, and then glanced at each other. Alamen laughed.

"It's strange for you to ask us that, ha'h…" I narrowed my eyes slightly at him and he looked sheepish. "Shae."

I nodded my approval and he smiled.

"Yes, but I know very little about your culture and what I have heard is from others. No one can explain a culture as well as the one who lives it."

Tammen looked a lot more relaxed, and Alamen was smiling brightly. _They are probably happy I am finally talking to them. I suppose it's a start._

The brothers began telling me about the Dalish way of life, their stories, clans, and gods. I was fascinated, because even though I knew most of this information, it had not been told to me like this. With eyes that lit up when they talked of their gods, and the respect in their voices when speaking of the Keeper. They laughed about the young children they were training to be hunters, because the whole clan was involved in raising young ones. They grew solemn when they spoke of the clans hardship. As they warmed to their topic, they opened up more to me. Relaxing into their drink as they smiled and reminisced.

I spent hours with them at the table, until a lot of the room was emptied of the crowd. I noticed the rest of our companions were finishing up their game of Wicked Grace, and it appeared Scout Harding was the lucky one tonight. I chuckled at her smug expression, and the disgruntled faces of those who lost. When I turned my attention back to the brothers, I noticed that Alamen was yawning and Tammen's eyes were drooping. It had been a very long day.

"Why don't you both go get some sleep? You look tired."

Alamen nodded, and stood dragging his twin out of his chair and away toward the stairs. As they left Alamen threw a last comment over his shoulder at me.

"Sleep well, ha'hren." He had a cheeky grin on his face. I rolled my eyes at him and waved him away. They had been calling me Shae for most of the night, but slipped up a few times. They laughed at the irked expression on my face each time, until eventually I laughed with them. _Ok, so they're nice. And cute. I like them. Sigh._

 _What are you getting yourself into Shae? You know this is just going to make things more complicated._

I stood from the table and was about to go upstairs, but I noticed that Lamaya and Harding were just getting up as well, ready to stumble up to the bed. I flinched at that. I wasn't really in the mood for more drunken conversation. If anything I wanted to be alone. Harding walked over to me and I handed her the room key so that they could go to bed, telling her I would be a while longer. She gave me a scolding look but didn't say anything else as she teetered off to the room.

I quietly sank into the shadows and slipped out of the tavern. It was very dark out, but with my eyes and the moons and stars to light my path, I had no trouble. I walked around the building towards the stables and crept inside. The boys from earlier were gone, but there was a guard sleeping by the entrance. I padded silently past him and found Da'asha in a stall.

She leaned forward to reach me, shoving her head against my chest. I leaned into her, patting her neck and whispering to her in elven. It was a comfort to have the love of an animal so trusting. And she didn't ask questions.

She had been well taken care of, her coat shined from the brush, and she looked comfortable. I checked the other mounts from our party and noticed they all looked well. The three harts each sniffed at me curiously and looked at me with big watery black eyes. I smiled and murmured to them as well, stroking their noses. _Animals are so much easier than people._

I snuck back out past the snoring guard and continued my path around the stables. On the far side, I noticed a stack of crates. I eyed them with interest. Not because of the crates themselves, but because of the perfect steps they created up to the roof of the stable, and then progressively to the roof of the inn.

I glanced around me, and seeing no one, smoothly bounded up the crates to the roof. I crouched and walked along the ridge until I reached where the stable connected with the main building. This was a larger gap. The inn's roof at shoulder height to my small form. I hooked my arms and hauled my body up easily, throwing up first one leg then the other.

Once up, I looked around. _I don't want to fall into someone's bedroom._ But the roof looked very sturdy. There were moss and leaves in places, but otherwise the simple shingles looked solid. I walked to the center and sat down, looking up at the sky. It was peaceful. And soon my anxiety was soothed away by the quiet.

I had been agonizing over every word I said, every action I took, every smile I gave. It was exhausting. _For once I wish I could just be me._

 _But I can't._

 _I'm not even sure who I am anymore with all this mess._

I sighed heavily and shivered. I nudged my magic to make a small warm ball of light that danced around my fingers. I made sure it wasn't too bright, hoping to avoid attention. But it gave me just enough warmth to stay where I was, away from everything. Just for a moment.

I wasn't sure how long I just stared at my little dancing creation, but it felt like much later when I was jolted from my melancholy.

I heard footsteps on the roof. Very quiet, but too close to be coming from the ground or in the building. My hand automatically jerked to my blade as I turned. But it was just Solas.

 _Just Solas. Right._ I rolled my eyes at my own internal thoughts sarcasm.

 _Maybe I have multiple personalities. So shut up other me._

I watched as Solas picked his way over the stable roof, and climbed smoothly onto the inn. He quietly walked over and sat down beside me. I shivered when his arm brushed up against mine, and I leaned away slightly, pushing down the warm feeling that was rising in my chest..

 _No. Don't go there, Shae. You are already too close. Stop it with the feelings._

Solas didn't say anything for a while, just watching my little ball of warmth move around my hand.

" **It is dangerous to be out here alone. Orlais is not known for its kindness to elves."** He spoke quietly, as though afraid to break the peaceful silence we were wrapped in.

I chuckled to myself and shrugged. We both knew I could take care of myself. But I dimmed my light a little to show that I heard him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him smile.

" **I would also prefer we didn't get carted off to the circle."** There was a slight sarcastic tone to his voice.

I rolled my eyes but I snuffed out the little light. It was still cold though so I let a tiny bit of my magic warm the air around us. He chuckled as he felt me raise the temperature in a subtler way.

" **I see you prefer the warmth."**

" **I don't mind the cold so much. But I also don't need to put up with it. Why should I when I can just warm the air?"** I quirked an eyebrow at him with the slightly rhetorical question. He laughed quietly at that, and I couldn't help the wide smile that spread across my lips in response.

" **The fear of magic in this time is unfortunate. Especially, when it can be so beautiful."**

His voice lowered into a deeper tone when he said that, and I glanced at him. His blue eyes were focused on me. I felt a blush stain the tips of my ears and I hoped the darkness would be enough to cover it. Though I doubted it. I broke away from his steady gaze and looked back to the sky.

" **Yes. It's unfortunate."** I whispered.

We were silent for a long time after that, and I pointedly kept my eyes upward. _He is being very flirtatious. I always thought he wouldn't be because I'm not the Inquisitor. I mean, I am supposedly an ancient elf. I guess he would treat me differently because of that. But I never really expected him to buy it fully. Maybe some. But I thought he would have doubts. Why is he flirting? I'm not that great! I'm awkward, and emotionally all over the place. I sobbed on him! Oh god. I'm a mess._

 _But it is kind of nice._

 _No! You shut up!_

I sighed sharply through my nose as I stared at one of the moons.

" **Your thoughts are loud tonight. What is bothering you?"**

 _You._

" **Ah, nothing."** He raised an eyebrow at me, but didn't push. _That's the most unbelievable excuse. You need to come up with something better._

" **I'm… concerned that this won't work. With the rifts. I'm also concerned with what I will see."**

Solas nodded sagely. _He always looks so freaking confident, and wise. And smart. And..._

 _Stop it now, or you'll list all your favorite things._

I huffed at my own thoughts. _I really need to pull myself together._

" **I believe it will work. Even if it doesn't we have another purpose. To find the Temple and learn more about the shards. So it cannot be a wasted trip. As for what you will see…"** He studied me for a moment, his blue grey eyes steady in the dark. " **It will be better to know."**

I nodded, but also partly believed that if I hadn't had these strange things happening with rifts I would be able to act like a normal person. Or maybe wouldn't have come here at all. _But then I would be dead. Which is worse._

" **If you had been given the chance to forget your past, and start over, would you have taken it?"**

Solas blinked at me, and then looked to the sky. I waited patiently as he was considering his answer. With his eyes turned upward I couldn't help but take a moment to subtly examine his face. In the moonlight all his features were more pronounced. The line of his jaw, his nose, his ears, his mouth. I studied each feature until I came to his eyes which were looking back at me. I blinked for a moment. _I didn't even notice him turn. Damn it._

I cleared my throat gently and turned away.

" **I would always want to know who I am. Even if I do not like some of the choices I have made, I would not want to forget them. They were valuable lessons, if difficult to learn."**

I nodded, unsure if I agree with him or not. After a time he stood up and offered me a hand. I cautiously accepted it, pushing back my snarky inner voice that smirked at the contact. I brushed off my pants and followed him to the edge of the roof, gently dropping down to the stable and then climbing down the stacked crates to the ground.

" **Would you?"** He stopped by the crates, still in relative privacy as he asked me the question in return.

I stared at him for a moment and then looked to the ground. _Would I? I would have said no with my old life. But if this was really me? An ancient elf with a dark, half remembered past. Would I want to remember if I really was Lethanavir?_

I shivered against the cold wind that ruffled my hair and clothes.

 _She was important. She was strong and had a life, a lover, friends. I don't think she would want to be forgotten. But she's gone. I'm here. And for some reason I am receiving her memories. Maybe because we have so much in common. Maybe it's some kind of parallel universe thing? Ugh. I'm gonna give myself a headache if I do this. But would I want to forget?_

" **No."** I hesitated to elaborate, but the expectant look he had encouraged me to speak. " **I wouldn't want to forget. It is important to remember. To know."**

His eyes looked pleased as he gave me a tiny smile, and nodded. We turned and walked back around the building in silence. He held the door for me as I slipped inside. I noticed that there were only three people left in the main room when we entered. I had been on the roof longer than I thought. We walked up the stairs, and along the hallway until he stopped at the door to his room. I glanced back over my shoulder at him.

" **Good night, Solas."**

He smiled at me.

" **Sleep well, Shae."**

I snuck quietly into the room, slipping in the door and silently locking it behind me. Harding and Lamaya were curled around each other on the bed. I chuckled silently at them, unsure if they were simply cuddly sleepers or actually in a relationship. _Either way, it's cute._

I stripped off my armor and dropped heavily on the short couch. I curled up in my blanket and fell asleep almost immediately.

I woke to the sound of movement in the room and scowled. Not only was I dead tired, but I had been disturbed from the one dream I've had since coming here that wasn't a nightmare in one way or another. Though it was already slipping from my mind. I could only remember the moon, blue grey eyes, and a sense of joy. I threw an arm over my eyes as I tried to bring it back into my mind.

But it was gone.

I sighed and looked around the room. Harding was up and moving about. As the leader it made sense for her to be the first one to rise. She had to get all of us moving at an appropriate hour.

Lamaya was spread out all over the bed and snoring lightly. I wasn't sure how Harding had fit on there. Harding glanced at me and saw I was awake.

"Good morning!" She whispered. "I want to get an early start today, since we'll be crossing the river. You may want to start getting up."

I groaned quietly and she laughed. She turned and gently shook Lamaya's arm, trying to wake her. She looked wary and tense as she moved her though, and I wondered why. I found out quickly as Lamaya jerked awake and immediately took a swing at Harding. She jumped out of the way in time, but it was close. Lamaya was fast.

She blinked around the room, and spotted Harding standing nearby. She groaned much louder than I had and flopped back on the bed.

"Come on, Lace. One more hour." She whined as she turned her face into the pillow so her words were muffled.

"No way Maya. We gotta get a move on." She poked Lamaya in the ribs, and she squirmed and giggled away from her. I was starting to think their cuddling may not have been platonic.

I stood from the couch and stretched quickly, knowing that Harding would be pushing us all to move very soon. I packed my bag, and donned my armor quickly, making it to the door just as Harding was shoving Lamaya forcefully off the bed. I smiled and slipped out into the hallway.

There wasn't much activity this early in the morning. At the other end of the hall I saw a human with greasy hair watching me leave with eyes that made me shiver. I glared at him to deter him from trying to approach me. Nothing like that had happened to me yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Orlais was not kind to the elves.

I walked down the stairs into the main room and saw that I was the first one down, though not the only person in the room. A few humans lingered about, and of course the barkeep was behind the counter hiding a yawn. I picked a larger table, since I knew I would be joined by others shortly, and sat down. I could have probably asked the barkeep for breakfast, I was sure Harding had paid for that as well, but I just wasn't feeling it this morning. Breakfast was the meal I skipped most often. Eating right after waking just didn't sit well with me.

It wasn't too long until Harding dragged Lamaya into the room. She plopped Lamaya into a chair, and she promptly went back upstairs, presumably to bang on the doors the men were sleeping behind. As soon as Lamaya had been shoved into the chair she laid her head down on the table and fell right to sleep again. I chuckled at her ability to doze anywhere, even a sticky tavern table.

Soon Harding came back, grumbling about stubborn men under her breath. She laughed when she saw Lamaya sleeping on the table.

"You know, sometimes I feel like a mother to all these layabouts. I have to wake them, and feed them, and get them moving. Lazy nug lickers." Her words were harsh, but the smile on her face contradicted her tone.

She went over to the counter and told the barkeep to get enough breakfast served out for all eleven of us. The man grumbled and groaned until she slipped a few extra coins his way. Then he was more than happy to help. Harding came back and dropped down beside me at the table.

"So. I noticed you came in pretty late last night." She waggled her eyebrows at me.

I gave her a look that said ' _What are you talking about?'_

"Oh come on. I saw you go outside just as I was taking this one upstairs." She pointed at Lamaya's sleeping form on the table. "And then I came back down a while later to make sure the rest of the guys hadn't passed out drunk or anything. I was about to go outside to look for you but Solas _volunteered_." She said 'volunteered' with all the innuendo she could put into the innocuous word.

I just blinked.

"What's your point?"

She rolled her eyes like I was the thickest person she had ever talked to.

"He had been watching you the whole night you know. While you were talking to the Dalish? He was trying to be subtle about it. But nothing escapes these eyes." She tapped her finger against her temple knowingly.

I laughed. _There's no way._

"I think you must be mistaken, Harding. But I'll take your word for it."

She sighed again, but didn't continue the conversation as the men began to trickle into the room just as the barkeep was starting to bring breakfast to the table. I sat quietly as they began to eat and talk. Some of them were silent. Like Luc. But that's pretty normal behavior for him. _And me_. Marden prodded Lamaya awake, flinching away when she woke swinging again, and gestured to the food which she turned on with fervor. Rand went to the bar and bought a pint of the strongest ale. We all looked at him with incredulity.

"It helps the hangover." He mumbled, and the table chortled at his pained expression as he clutched his head and winced.

Solas came down last. Which was not unusual for him. He sat in the empty seat next to me, and I couldn't help but feel like maybe Harding had planned this. The sly smile on Varric's lips made me suspicious too.

 _If these idiots are trying to play matchmaker, I'm going to kill them._ I glared fiercely at Harding and Varric. And Bull for good measure, in case he was involved. They all looked unconvincingly innocent as they avoided my gaze.

" **You should eat."**

I glanced at Solas and then looked to the table, actually inspecting the food. _Oatmeal. Does Thedas have any breakfast other than oatmeal? Ugh._

There was a small bowl of apples that were a little wrinkled, but I took one of those and bit into it. I had learned that Solas was as persistent and stubborn as a mule. Fighting him on something as simple as breakfast was not worth it.

We always ate quickly, Harding pushing us to move out as soon as possible. When I finished my small breakfast before everyone else, I stood and headed for the door.

"See if you can get them working on our mounts, Shae!" Harding called out to me. I waved over my shoulder in acknowledgement.

Once outside I walked back into the stables. The three young boys were there again, but they hadn't noticed me yet. They were standing around the three harts, petting their noses and whispering in rapid Orlesian.

I walked up behind them and they jumped when they noticed me. All of them looked mortified, but I just smiled.

"We are going to be leaving soon. Can you help us get the horses ready?" I tossed a few extra coppers at each of them, and they all looked thrilled. Nodding and running to get things moving. I went to take care of Da'asha myself.

Soon enough, the group wandered out of the inn and started helping with the mounts, tying their packs, and getting mounted up.

As Solas walked past me to his hart, he stopped and pressed another small apple into my palm, looking into my eyes.

" **You don't eat enough."**

I scowled at him, but there was no real heat behind the look. I pocketed the apple and led Da'asha out of the stables. I mounted up and watched as everyone else scrambled to get things moving.

Soon enough we were heading out of Verchiel. We would be heading into The Heartlands and crossing at the river that fed into Lake Celestine, and then heading on to Velun. The group was chatting amongst themselves as we rode out, and it was at least five miles outside Verchiel before I noticed it.

A tug in my mind. A tiny spike of pain.

I waited another mile or two to make sure I was positive, not only of its presence, but it's direction. But it was there. It felt like the start of a headache, growing slowly as we moved, the same as what I had felt in Crestwood. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on it. It was definitely there. And I could sense a direction. I trained my eyes to where I felt the slight pull, but couldn't see anything in the landscape. We were probably still too far away.

I spurred Da'asha and caught up to where Solas was in the line. As I pulled up next to him, I hesitated to tell him. _Do I really want to have more of these memories?_

I remembered our conversation from last night. _I would not want to be forgotten._

I looked at Solas, and he was watching me curiously. I pointed in the direction I felt the pull.

" **I sense a rift."**


	14. Chapter 14

Thank you so much for all the support I have gotten for this story! I love hearing how people are enjoying it, or even suggestions or theories. Its great! This chapter gets into why this fic was rated mature. So be aware.

Italics are internal thought

Bold is elven

* * *

I flinched and looked away from the shimmering rift that was about a hundred feet from us. We had trekked the few miles out of the way to find the rift. Harding wasn't particularly pleased, but then again neither was I. _Why? Why does this have to happen to me?_ I flinched as metaphorical ball of needles in my brain shifted around a bit.

As we had approached my headache had grown significantly with each step. Now that I was looking right at it I had to fight the urge to throw up and curl into the fetal position. And based on the concerned looks I was getting, I looked about as well as I felt.

We had stopped at a good distance to avoid being spotted by the demons yet. Our illustrious leaders were discussing assault tactics while I leaned heavily against a large rock, covering my face and trying not to collapse. I was already seeing floating black spots in my vision and the pulsing spike through my temple got worse whenever I looked at the rift. So for now I looked the opposite direction when I was looking at anything at all.

"You alright, Echo? You aren't looking too good."

I moved the hand that had been covering my eyes and peeked at Varric through my fingers. He was holding Bianca ready, but his eyes watched me closely.

"I'm fine, Varric." My voice came out shaky and strained, with a nice undertone of annoyance. The skeptical quirk of his lips told me he didn't believe me for a second. But I wasn't going to argue that point with him while it felt like I was being stabbed in the brain repeatedly. I pulled up my hood and closed my eyes, pressing the heel of my palms into them. Varric shifted around on his feet, but remained close by and silent.

After a little time, Solas and Harding walked back to us, and I heard shuffling footsteps gather around them. I was only slightly outside the small circle, but really didn't care. I would be able to hear what was said, and I wasn't looking around anyways.

"Okay," Harding started, "so from what we can see there are two terrors, a despair, and a rage over there. Not to mention at least a few wraiths. So, here's the plan. Marden, first I want you laying down an area spell. Doesn't really matter which. Just something big and fast. Once that has cleared then Luc, Bull, and Rand will charge in. Lamaya and Tammen will follow them, using speed and stealth to take down who you can when you can. You'll want to focus on keeping them off Shae. Varric, Alamen, and I will give archer cover. And Marden, after your first attack, I want you focusing on dispelling and healing. Make sure as few demons come through this rift as possible."

There were some assenting noises and more shuffling of feet. Harding was really different when she took charge. None of the friendly, joking manner she normally had. It made it easy to see how such a small, friendly woman could command the loyalty of hardened soldiers like Luc and Rand. And all of the rest of us just fell into line behind her. It was pretty impressive.

I clutched at my face as a new wave of pain hit and my nails dug into the skin of my temples. The small distraction was not enough, but it did help, even if only for a moment. But it was like rain on the ocean. Ripples that couldn't affect the unimaginable depths of pain below. Solas started speaking, drawing my attention back.

"Shae and I will be focusing on the rift itself. Once the spirits that linger here have been eliminated, the rift will go into a dormant state until more approach from the Fade."

There was some more shuffling.

"No disrespect, but why are we even doing this? Don't we normally just map 'em and avoid 'em? We can't close it and she looks awful." Marden asked.

I peeked through my fingers again and saw him looking from me to Solas with confusion. We never had explained the whole memory thing I had going on with the rifts.

"It's an experiment." Harding said shortly. "I know this is different than what we are used to. This isn't our normal scouting expedition. But they," she gestured around at Solas, Bull, Varric, and I, "are on a different mission. And while we are together we will help them. You can ask more about this later, Marden. For now we need to move out."

I watched as Marden looked a little sheepish and nodded, and Harding threw him a tiny smile to show she wasn't upset. Everyone drew weapons and prepared for our assault. I pushed away from the rock, unable to keep myself from glancing out of the corner of my eye at the pulsing green window to the Fade.

When my gaze fell on it directly a new sharp spike of pain stabbed through my skull, and I stumbled, trying to hold my head together. I felt large hands catch me before I fell, holding me up and keeping me steady on my feet.

"You sure you're up for this, Shae?" Bull spoke quietly to me. He probably had noticed me flinching at every sound that was above a whisper, and compensated so as not to hurt me. For once I loved his whole ben-hassrath thing.

"I have no choice."

I looked up into his face, towering above me. He looked unhappy, and his eyes searched mine. I lowered my gaze, afraid he would see something I didn't want him to. I smiled.

"I'm fine Bull. This was my choice."

He chuckled at that.

"Well, I have to hand it to you. You're damn stubborn."

I opened my mouth to reply, but flinched as Lamaya started griping to Harding about how much she hated demons in a very loud manner. I glared in her direction and she completely ignored me, probably completely oblivious to my pain. I lost my irritation as Solas appeared by my side. With a brush of his fingers to my temple, I felt the tingling cold settle over me, numbing me for a moment and I almost melted into a puddle on the ground. Bull was still holding me steady though, and he chuckled again when he felt me go somewhat limp against him. Bull jostled me slightly, encouraging me to stand on my own. I grumbled slightly but regained my footing. He winked, patting me heavily on the shoulder before he walked away.

Solas eyed me carefully as I shielded my eyes from the sun again. His healing had taken the edge off the pain, and allowed me to focus again. I glanced at him, and noticed how closely he was standing to me. It almost felt like he was simply laying his hand against my face. _Focus! This is not the time!_

"Shae, the memory was triggered when you lost consciousness?"

I nodded at him as he considered. The movement caused his fingers to brush gently through some of my hair that was framing my face. To my shame, the feeling caused me to lean into his hand. I blushed and almost jerked away when I realized, but didn't want to give up the magic that was keeping my headache at bay. Solas' eyes flashed to mine, but he made no comment or movement in response to my behavior. I felt a blush spread up my ears. _I really need to have him teach me this. Or maybe I should just try to figure it out myself._

"You lost consciousness when the rift was at its weakest. We can only assume that it will be the same. However, there is a chance that your memory was only triggered by the actual act of closing the rift. If that is the case then we will rejoin the Inquisitor and try this at a later time."

I nodded, concern coloring my own thoughts at the danger I was putting everyone in just to get a few memories from Lethanavir. My expression must have shown my thoughts because Solas put a comforting hand on my shoulder, still pouring healing into me with the other hand. He gave me a small smile when I met his eyes.

I was nervous. The last memory had been brutal. Seeing the war and living it. Being shot and poisoned. The shock of experiencing someone else's thoughts. I had been shaken for days. Now I was willingly going to subject myself to this again? Solas saw through my trepidation and squeezed my shoulder gently.

"I will help you. If we can keep you conscious this time, then there should be no more concerns about your ability to assist the Inquisition."

I nodded and tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. The whole group had moved forward into position, hiding behind rock outcroppings and trees. I moved away from Solas, cringing at the loss of his magic, and crouched behind a bush near Harding. I drew my daggers, trying to ignore the pulsing ache that was spreading through my whole body. I watched, waiting for the signal as Solas crouched beside me, staff at the ready.

Harding held up a hand, and after a breath, swept her arm forward. Marden lit up the area with chain lightning and the bright arcs danced between the demons, sparking and burning their flesh. As soon as that cleared, the warriors charged, yelling challenges and drawing attention to themselves. The rogues took advantage of the distraction to dash in, cutting down demons from behind. Marden and the archers hung back and picked their shots, focusing on the wraiths that used the range to attach the warriors.

All of this had happened in a matter of maybe thirty seconds. I saw one of the terrors leap out from under Bull's feet and knock him to the ground. He yelled in its face, his rage already overwhelming him in the battle, and I dashed over and began hacking at the terror's exposed back. I stabbed hard into its shoulder and it wrenched around, jerking the dagger out of my grasp, and screamed in my face. The shrill noise and volume made me feel like my head was going to explode, my vision went dark for a moment and I staggered back, clutching my ears.

I blinked away the sudden darkness and shook my head. Bull had regained his feet while I distracted the terror, and now he returned the favor. He swung his huge hammer, catching the terror in the side and flinging it to the ground, where he pummelled it until it died. The rest of the demons were falling quickly with the number of skilled fighters we had with us.

I turned my attention to the rift and tensed. I knew that any moment now I would probably be taken over by a memory. _Lethanavir._

As each demons fell and disintegrated, nothing happened. Everyone looked around for a moment. I glanced again at the rift and saw it kind of shrink in on itself and shimmer.

And then my head split open.

I screamed as I fell to my knees, clutching my skull as I lost all coherent thought.

"Shae!"

My vision went dark and I struggled to breathe against the pain, but I would remain conscious. I curled in on myself, and tried to push back the darkness. It felt like I was being crushed under its weight. The pain grew and grew.

I was sure I would die.

I wanted to die.

And then.

 _I leaned against the table, supporting myself with my hands. The map laid out in front of me detailed all the information we needed for the upcoming battle. Troop positions, movements, support. I looked around at those gathered around the table with me. My lieutenants were waiting for me to finish. We had met to go over the plan, and now they were waiting to go tell their own people as well. I sighed. This was not going to be an easy fight. I was sure I would lose some of them. But that is war._

" _ **Come back here at dawn. We will go together to the field. Our enemies, and our allies, will see us as one united force."**_

 _The four of them bowed their heads and turned to go through the eluvian at the back of the room. Asha'ladin stopped when she was next to me and I turned to face her. She was my closest friend beside Banal'ras'iroth. I had trained her from a small child, and we grew to trust each other. I nodded to acknowledge her._

" _ **How did the rebellion react to you walking up to them?"**_ _Her eyes sparkled with mischief at the question. I knew she probably imagined a very dramatic entrance._

 _I chuckled._

" _ **I had no trouble slipping past their defenses straight to the leaders. I told them that I could have easily killed them and they should have better guards. There was much yelling and fear. But my formal attire and lack of weapons eventually put them at ease."**_

 _Asha'ladin grinned at me._

" _ **Little did they know what your best weapon is."**_

 _I grinned back at her and winked._

" _ **Maybe we won't tell them that just yet."**_

 _She put a hand on my shoulder and nodded her head once more, following the rest out of the eluvian. This safe house was our main base of operations for now. But there were many others, and each lieutenant and their people were positioned at a different one. Our reputation, and actions of late made it dangerous for all of us to rest our heads in one place. This was safer. If any of us were followed, or found, there would still be five other houses to deal with the problem._

 _This one was the smallest. It was essentially just a house that had been hidden in the forest atop a dangerous cliff where none could find it but by eluvian. And I held the key. It was my safe house. None could enter without my permission. And I was never happier that I had created this space for myself than I was right now._

 _I had betrayed a god. A false god maybe. But still a god. I never felt safe anymore._

 _I sighed and studied the map again. My tactics were sound. With the formation of our allies, our unit would be most useful at the front. Not only would we have the skill to fight any skilled warriors on the front line, but we also had our reputation, and the intimidation that came along with that. The reaction when the rebellion had seen me, seen the emblem on my clothing and the vallaslin on my face, had proven that there was still fear at the sight. Though I hated them._

 _This battle will be brutal. And of course the field had been chosen with aesthetics in mind. A beautiful backdrop of Arlathan standing over a field of blood. I rolled my eyes at that. I would have chosen to not face an army at all. I would have poisoned their food, haunted their dreams, and slit their throats while they slept. But I was not leading this rebellion. And I would not take charge._

 _I shifted as I heard the eluvian activate behind me, not able to stop the smile that twitched on my lips. I did not turn. Only one other had been given the key to this eluvian. I felt his arms wrap around my waist as he pulled me flush against his chest and buried his nose in my hair._

" _ **You are thinking too much, Lethanavir."**_

 _I chuckled a little breathlessly as he moved to kiss my neck and I moved my head to expose more of my skin to him. He hummed against me, making heat flutter in my stomach._

" _ **And you are here to stop me, Banal'ras'iroth?"**_

 _I felt his teeth scrape against my pulse and my breathing hitched. His lips whispered against me as he spoke._

" _ **Yes."**_

" _ **How?"**_

 _I shivered as his wide hands began to move over me. Smoothing the fabric over me ribs, fingers barely dancing over my breasts, cupping my throat, and brushing a thumb over my lips._

" _ **However I had to. But I do have a few ideas that we both might enjoy."**_

 _I hummed, pleased as I arched my back into him. I could feel his own excitement pressing against my back and I couldn't help but press against it, eliciting an enticing moan from him._

 _He grabbed my waist and turned me to face him. His lips met mine with a hunger that he only showed when we were alone. His calm exterior falling away in the face of his passion as he pressed against me. His hand twisted up in my hair and I felt him tug, forcing my head back to expose my throat to him again. He brushed his lips across my jaw and down my neck, pushing aside my collar to bite the tender muscle that met my shoulder, before kissing over the spot. I gasped and he hummed again._

" _ **I love the noises you make, ma'vhenan."**_

 _I felt his strong arms wrap around me and lift me up, holding me to him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed up his jaw before gently biting his ear, causing him to groan. He carried me into the back room and laid me gently on the bed. I couldn't help the radiant smile that I knew covered my features._

 _Nellas pulled back from me and began to slowly remove my clothing. Each inch of skin that he revealed was caressed and kissed. It was torture, and I writhed beneath him as he worked. When he finally removed the shirt altogether, he moved up again and took a nipple in his mouth. I cried out as his tongue flicked over the bud and a shock of pleasure shot down my spine. He chuckled, his breath ghosting across my wet flesh._

" _ **Patience, my love."**_

 _I bit my lip and gripped at the sheets. He explored my exposed body with his lips and tongue, lavishing me. He kissed down my stomach and I shivered again. He hooked his fingers in my leggings and began tugging them down. Kissing my hip bones, my thighs, coming unbearably close to where I wanted him to be, but pulling back each time and smiling at me, his eyes dancing. I threw my head back on the pillows and closed my eyes._

" _ **Hurry up or I'll kill you."**_ _I moaned out the words breathlessly, the words I had said a million times before._

 _He chuckled again, kissing my knee and caressing my calf._

" _ **You have been saying that to me for the last sixty years. Forgive me if I doubt your conviction."**_

 _I glared at him. I moved with all the speed I had and flipped him on his back. His eyes were wide and surprised as I turned the tables on him. He was stronger than me, but I was much faster. Once I had him on his back, I yanked down his pants and his erection sprang forth, already dripping with his pleasure. He hissed through his teeth at the sudden cold air, but it turned to a moan as I took his whole length in my mouth._

 _I kept my eyes on his as I moved, focusing on all the things I knew would make him shake with desire. I pushed forward so that my nose was pressed against him, and I swallowed, my throat clenching around his tip. I watched as he threw his head back at yelled, his hands pulling at my hair. Nellas was patient to a fault and I loved to push his limits. I continued until he began to lose control, thrusting up erratically into my mouth. I held his hips down as I slowed my movement, letting him come back from the edge. I pulled my mouth away from him and licked my lips. He watched me with half lidded eyes as he panted._

 _At that point I fully removed his pants, and then crawled up to straddle his hips. He smiled and his hands came up to caress my thighs. I tugged on his shirt until he sat up just enough that I could remove it. Once we were both naked he pulled me close and kissed me with the tenderness and love that I thought I would never experience in my long life._

 _This was why I longed for freedom._

 _Nellas._

 _My love._

 _He pulled back and smiled at me gently, his thumb rubbing over my cheek and I leaned into his hand. He turned with me and lowered me gently onto my back. He gave me a teasingly scolding look._

" _ **I wasn't done, ma'vhenan."**_

 _I huffed as though annoyed, but I couldn't remove the smile from my lips. He moved back down on the bed to my legs, kissing over each inch of skin he had missed before until he had fully worshiped my body. Then he lay down between my legs and looked up at me over my stomach. I shivered at the hunger I saw in his hooded eyes. He kept his eyes on mine as he slowly lowered himself to my sex. My eyes fell closed as I was overwhelmed by the sensation. I twisted my fingers into his silver braid as he moved and felt myself pushing him forward as I gasped._

 _I ached for him._

 _The coil of pleasure built up in me faster than I expected and I arched my back and moaned against him, clutching his hair as colors burst behind my eyelids. Panting, I came down from my orgasm slowly and when I opened my eyes, Nellas was holding himself up above me, his eyes held a sense of awe as he watched my face. I smiled at him and he leaned in to kiss me. I could taste myself on his lips._

 _He shifted between my legs without breaking the kiss and positioned himself. He always waited one moment before moving. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him in, gasping against his lips as his length filled me. He began to move. Slowly at first, but then speeding. After so many years with a partner, you knew what the other wanted. What they needed. It was a beautiful thing, to move together so smoothly._

 _Nellas took him time, not wanting this to end too soon. He moved and I clung to him. I moaned when I felt my body coming to orgasm again. The heat and pleasure building until it was unbearable, and I arched against him, chasing it, pulling him closer and deeper. His own movements became more erratic, his breathing harsh in my ear as he held me close. I wrapped my legs tighter around his waist and dug my heels into his back, his own groan echoing mine in pleasure._

 _We moved faster and more desperately as we came closer to the edge. He leaned his cheek against mine and whispered with a broken gasp in my ear._

" _ **I love you."**_

 _I gasped as my body arched and clenched around him, shaking with the pleasure, and he groaned at the feeling. His own orgasm followed mine and he collapsed against me, his face pressed against my neck._

 _I held him close as I waited for him to come back, running my hand through his long hair that had come undone. After a few moments I felt his lips brush my neck and I couldn't contain the contented hum that spilled from my lips._

" _ **Stay with me."**_ _He whispered._

 _I chuckled._

" _ **I'm not going anywhere."**_

" _ **No."**_ _He leaned up on his elbow and looked at me, his expression serious._ " _ **Stay with me forever. I want you to be mine. And I want to be yours. Forever."**_

 _I stared at him for a moment. We had only been together for sixty years and promises of forever were not something tossed around lightly among those who lived for thousands. It was normally a matter of interest. Stay with someone until it was over and then move on. That's what I had been comfortable with my whole life._

 _But… I also love him more than I ever thought possible. He knows everything about me. And I know everything about him. I trust him with my life. With the lives of my people. And he trusts me with his life everyday. I narrowed my eyes. Was he afraid for me?_

" _ **And you're not just saying this because of the battle tomorrow?"**_

 _He smirked slightly at my look and shook his head._

" _ **No. I have been wanting to ask you for a while. Before we left even. I just hadn't found the moment. And now I have."**_

 _His eyes were hopeful as he watched me. I reached up and touched his face, tracing his nose and lips, his eyebrows, the line of his ear. I loved everything about him._

" _ **Yes. I will stay, Nellas. For as long as you want me."**_

 _He smiled softly, but his eyes showed a joy beyond expressing._

" _ **I will want you forever."**_

 _I smiled at him, somehow confident in his words._

" _ **I love you."**_

" _ **I love you, Shaehari."**_

I blinked and saw grass. I was hunched over with my hands pressing into the ground, my fingers digging into the soft soil. I was panting, and nauseous, but also had a curl of pleasure in my stomach. I was apparently turned on from the major wet dream I just lived through. _Oh god._

 _ **I love you, Shaehari**_

 _Oh god. Oh god._

I raised my head slightly and saw that Solas was kneeling in front of me, waiting to help somehow. Blushing horribly, I covered my face with both hands and tried to focus on breathing. _I just had the best sex of my life in my head while sitting directly in front of Solas. Oh god._

I jolted to my feet as I was overwhelmed by everything, stumbling away from Solas, and ran to a bush to puke. I emptied all the contents of my stomach.

 _It's not that it wasn't nice. It was very nice. Too nice._ _Oh god. He called her Shaehari. She wasn't Lethanavir. That was a title. Oh god._

 _Why does she have my name!?_

I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate. I fell to my knees, making sure to avoid the vomit, and wrapped my arms tight around me. I stared at nothing for a moment, trying to control my breath, and felt a hand drop on my shoulder.

" **Shae?"**

I jolted at the elven and whipped my head around to look at him. I blinked. It was Solas, but for just a moment it had been Nellas, standing there, smiling at me. Asking if I was alright.

 _I loved him so much._

I gasped as that thought went through my head, shaking my head against it. _No. No. Stop it!_

" **Shae, it's alright."**

I stared at him for a moment, wondering why I couldn't see him very clearly. Then I felt tears spill over and run down my cheeks. I rubbed them away and stood shakily to my feet. Solas held onto my arm to make sure I didn't collapse. There was a flash of green past his shoulder and my gaze shifted to see it.

The rift.

Hanging dormant in the sky, but ready to spew out more demons at any moment. And then, I could have another memory.

 _No._

I turned and walked quickly away. I heard Solas calling out to me, but I couldn't deal with it now. I almost ran back to where we had the horses tethered. Da'asha seemed to sense my distress and snuffled at my clothes and hair as I untied her, making sure I was uninjured. A watery laugh slipped past my lips, and it quickly became a sob. I choked on it and pushed it back until later.

The tears still ran down my cheeks, but at least I wasn't being obvious about it. I pulled up my hood to hide my face and mounted. Da'asha and I rode a small distance away from the other horses but still within view, waiting for the others to catch up.

* * *

 _Is this some sort of reincarnation thing? Am I her from an alternate reality and got pulled through? What am I? What is she?_

I paced restlessly on the ferry as we crossed Lake Celestine. It was a short ride across the Lake, but going around would have added another four days to our journey.

Our mounts were tied securely to one end of the ferry, and the rest of us gathered at the other. I had not spoken a word to anyone since before the rift. Varric and Bull had tried a few times, joking with me or asking if I was alright, but I just ignored them for a while. After a time they all took the hint and kept their distance. Solas remained close though. He stayed beside me, but he never tried to get me to speak.

I was shaken.

Not by the sex. That had been amazing, in a way.

I was shaken by the overwhelming emotions.

I felt such love for Nellas, a man I had never met, and it stayed with me. I could feel it now.

But it also hurt just thinking about it. Nellas was gone. I don't know what happened to him, but he is gone. She never got her forever with him.

 _And how am I tied to her? We have the same name! We look the same. Have the same scars, the same mannerisms, the same voice. Who is she?_

 _Who am I?_

I shook my head hard. This was no time to be doubting myself. I raised my hands up in front of me and studied them for something to focus on. I noticed a faint scar across my palm. _I forgot I had that._

When I had been in elementary school, I had fallen from the monkey bars. As I fell I reached out to grab the post in front of me, but my palm was cut on something very sharp. I remember crying and having to get stitches and a tetanus shot because it had been a rusty nail that was poking through from the other side of the post.

The scar was very faded now, almost gone. But I rubbed my thumb over it. It was comforting. Something I knew was different. Something from my life that I knew exactly where it came from. It was old and familiar and I clung to it desperately.

I stood at the railing of the boat and looked out over the water, constantly rubbing the scar.

It was just over an hour on the boat for us to reach the other side. We untied the mounts and carefully led them ashore. They had been skittish on the boat so we had to be careful as we led them. Da'asha caused me no problems though, seeming more concerned for my apparent melancholy than anything.

It was a long silent ride to Velun. At least for me. The scouts chatted amongst themselves like usual, and the twins were in constant quiet discussion with each other. Bull and Varric socialized with everyone, drawing laughter and stories from each of them. Solas was the only other one who remained quiet.

The entire trip he was beside me, glancing out of the corner of his eye. But I kept my hood up and my mouth shut. I was not ready to speak about what I saw. For many reasons.

Because of the delay at the rift, we arrived in Velun much later than we planned. We met a small group of Inquisition forces stationed just outside the city. They had already set up tents for us, and they took our mounts immediately, leading them away for care and leaving us to find our rest. Based on what I overheard from the officer who spoke with Harding, they had been worried about us because we were so late. They had been about to send out scouts looking for us when they saw our approach.

"Ah, we had a little hold up." Harding glanced back at me as she spoke.

I winced and grabbed my pack, unable to handle the attention at the moment, even as inadvertent as it was. I stalked away and was pointed to one of the tents I could use. I slipped inside and threw my bag down. I dug around inside and pulled out my journal, flipping open to a new page. I grabbed the quill and stared at it.

 _I don't want to write._

"Ugh."

I slammed the journal shut in annoyance and tossed it to my bedroll. The walls of the tent felt stifling and close. Irritation made me twitchy. So I crawled back out and went to the edge of camp, staring out into the darkness.

It wasn't too long before I was pacing again.

I wanted to do something. Anything. Fight. Spar. _Run._

I heard footsteps behind me and saw Solas walk into my line of sight. I glanced at him, but didn't look right at him. I was busy scanning the landscape, wondering if I could…

" **Are you alright?"**

I looked at him, meeting his gaze. He was concerned, his eyes darting over my strained expression, catching the dark circles beneath my eyes, and the uncertainty written in every line of my face. I looked away.

" **No."**

He nodded and looked at the ground, his hands clasped behind him. I began pacing again. _I need to do something!_

I came to a halt and stared once again at the dark landscape.

 _Why not? I can take care of myself._ I glanced at Solas. _He won't be happy though._

 _Maybe if I tell him._

I fingered the hilt of my daggers, confident with them at my waist. I fidgeted for a moment and Solas eyed me curiously.

" **I'm going to run. But I'll be back."**

His eyes widened slightly and his brow started to come down in disapproval. But before he could say anything or stop me, I bolted.

I ran as fast as I could, pushing myself to my limit. The wind buffeting my hair and clothes back, my feet pounding almost silently against the ground. I immediately felt free. My troubles were left behind me for the moment.

Speaking of behind me, I heard the lightest of footfalls running swiftly behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Solas.

He was following me. _Of course he is._

He was keeping up rather well, taking advantage of his longer legs to compensate for my faster speed.

The only thing that worried me was the scowl on his face.

Ignoring the impending scolding I was inevitably going to get, I laughed, dashing around trees and rocks as I ran from the memories and emotions that didn't belong to me.


End file.
